


Read All About It

by Damntomlinson



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Harry Styles - Freeform, Louis Tomlinson - Freeform, M/M, Smut, larry - Freeform, larry stylinson - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-25
Updated: 2013-01-25
Packaged: 2017-11-26 21:15:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 54,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/654494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Damntomlinson/pseuds/Damntomlinson
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry thinks he may have feelings for Louis, but he is too afraid that Louis doesn’t feel the same, so he writes down everything he wishes he could say to him in letters. What happens, though, if Louis begins to feel the same way. Will it be too late?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Dear  _You_ ,

It isn’t easy, you know; trying to ignore you. You’re always around. I see you all the time, even when I don’t want to. I think the hard part, is that I want to see you. I know it’s wrong, but I can’t let it go. I just want things to go back to normal for us. You know it’s changed. I wish you would stop telling me and everyone that it hasn’t because you know damn well it has. You’re choosing to ignore the tension and the pain because you want to be happy. It’s funny; I bet you didn’t think that I wanted to be happy too…well, I do.

 I’m willing to put that aside though, because I care about you too much. I know what makes you happy, and I can see it when you are with other people. You aren’t completely happy though, are you? Something deep inside you knows that what you are doing isn’t right. You know you are meant to be doing something else. Maybe that’s just me. But, let me tell you, I hope and pray to Whoever is listening up there that you feel something too…that you hear something in the back of your mind that is telling you to listen to your heart and go for it.

I’ll always be here for you when you decide to listen. Until then, I’ll just wait here.

I love you.

- _Me_

_—————_

I printed out the letter, shut the laptop and sighed heavily as I rested my forehead on top of the case. I needed my best friend back. I could fix this is if I wanted to. I mean, I am the one who built up this wall between us in the first place. I was the one who was afraid of my feelings. I was scared. I put this distance between us because I knew he didn’t think the same way I did…I do. I was different and weird and I didn’t want him to run away. Truth is, if he would have run away, I would have broken down.

I felt that familiar ache I get when I think about him build up in my chest. I forced my chair out from the desk and snatched the letter up as I headed for the kitchen.

“Hey Harry.” His usual perky voice did nothing but irritate me. I grunted in near disgust, but he ignored it and went on talking. “Got any plans for the day?”

He sounded slightly timid. “Not really. I kind of just want to stay home and watch a film or something. Why?” I retorted with the same level of shyness.

“Oh. No reason. Eleanor just cancelled our plans for the night, so I’m gonna stay in too.” His sentence trailed off at the end.  I cringed at the mention of  _her_ name.

Sometimes I regret forcing him away from me. He has always been there for me. The thought of doing anything together was still a rough subject, just because I had rejected any type of plans with him since he made me feel like this.  _He made me feel like this._ I cursed under my breath as I realized just how easy it was to forget why I had distanced myself away from him the first place. When I remember, it always hits me like a ton of bricks, like someone pouring salt onto a fresh wound, and I get angry all over again.

“I might actually go out with Nick or something. You know, just to get out…” I suggested. I can’t be alone with him. As much as I want to be, I don’t know how much I fully trust myself to be. I headed for the cupboard and grabbed an envelope for the letter and started to head back to my room.

I felt a pang in my chest as I heard the slight disappointment in his voice as he responded with a quiet, “oh.” I tried to make the guilt disappear by telling myself that it was for the best. He recovered quickly with, “well, let me know. Maybe I can get some take away or something for us to eat later.” As I crossed into my room, I could have sworn I heard him finish the sentence with, “just like old times” but I pushed away the thought.

I grabbed my laptop and sat on the edge of the bed as I decided to start another letter.

—————

Dear  _You,_

It’s really difficult to hear that you want to hang out with me. I wish you could understand why I say no, and why I don’t want to. Everything would be so much easier if you knew. I can’t risk you leaving me, though. As rocky as our “whatever this is” relationship is right now, I need it. I can’t let it go. This is as close as I can get to what I want, and I’m honestly really trying to accept that, but you know how hard it is for me to accept defeat.

Sometimes, I feel like we are on two completely different paths. I see you, though. You are walking right next to me. You’re taking the higher road. You’re going places. You have amazing things ahead of you. I just want to be part of that…I won’t though. I never will be. 

I can dream though, right?

- _Me_

I printed this one out too and stuffed it into the envelope sitting next to me. This is a new thing I’m starting for myself in hopes of coming to an understanding with myself about all this change. I could never tell him what I actually want to, but writing it out makes me feel slightly better. I haven’t found the courage to actually address it to him either. For now, addressing it to  _you_ is close enough for me.  Maybe one day, I’ll be able to actually tell him all of this. One day being far far from today, when all of these stupid childish problems aren’t plaguing us; plaguing me.

My thoughts are interrupted by a loud crash of thunder outside of my window. I briskly walk over to look outside and feel a pang in my stomach when I see the weather. Dark and gloomy. There is no way I can go out this afternoon with anyone.

“Damn London weather.” I said under my breath.

There was a soft knock at the door and a skinny, tan hand wrapped around the side of the door to push it open.

“Any preferences on take away?” He said with a slight crooked smile that made my heart beat fast and my stomach cringe.

“Chinese, Boo.” I said without thinking.

His body stiffened a bit at the nickname. I hadn’t called him that since before we even left to America. In retrospect, I blame our trip to America for all of this now. Too many long nights, and too close of a living space. To my relief, he broke the silence with another faint smile and “alright, Haz.”

~*~

I sat on the couch wrapped up in a blanket surfing through channels while Louis busied himself with some house-keeping. There actually wasn’t anything that had to be done, with Louis being the OCD case that he is, but I assumed that this was his way of not damaging the first real friend moment we had had in several months. We had both been so engrossed in the silence that we both nearly jumped at the door when the bell rang.

I made my way off the couch to go get the door while he brought some napkins and water bottles over to the coffee table in the living room. I could hear the channel changing rapidly while I paid for the food. As I turned around, I nearly froze at what I saw on the screen; my favorite movie, Titanic. Louis knows that I love it, but never watch it because the boys always crack jokes about it.

“Do you mind? It’s the only thing on that has just started.” He asked casually.

I swallowed hard at the thought of sitting so close to him for over three hours. “Sure.” I managed to get out as I placed the food on the table and settled myself onto the couch a reasonable distance away from Louis.

I tried to eat as slowly as possible to delay any conversation. I caught a glimpse of him out of the corner of my eye. He was so intrigued with the movie. I catch myself pretending that I am the one holding his attention and feel a warm flutter building in my stomach.

“Shit.” I mumble and get off the couch in a hurry, disrupting his focus.

“What’s wrong?” he asks as he adjusts his body to face me.

“Bathroom. Be right back.” I manage to get out before running down the hall. After locking the door I let off a slew of curse words before I grabbed ahold of the sink to bring myself back to reality. I splashed cold water onto my face a few times. “Control yourself, Harry. Damnit.” I hated myself so much right now, but I wasn’t going to let it show. I took a few deep breaths and walked calmly back out into the living room.

Louis had changed into a navy blue long sleeved thermal and some gray sweats as well as his glasses. He had my blanket draped onto his lap and pulled up his chest slightly. He had a very peculiar pout on his face that brought out a bit of concern in me. I debated on whether or not I should ask him if he is okay. I sighed and puffed out my cheeks.

“Everything alright, Lou?” I said as I sat down into the corner of the couch.

“Uhm yeah.” He said, though the waver in his voice indicated otherwise.  _Don’t get involved, Harry. You aren’t strong enough._ In all reality, I’m not. My feelings are too strong and I don’t know what is right or not yet. He has always been there for me though… _Damnit._

“Come along; tell me what’s the matter.” I positioned my body slightly to face him, not moving any closer though.

He let out a choked sigh before responding. “I got into a fight with Eleanor this morning. That’s why she cancelled today. It’s eating me up inside, Harry. It was stupid, but you know how stubborn I can be. It’s just…” His words trailed off and he let out a heavy sigh and hung his head.

I hesitantly reached out a comforting hand to him and soothingly rubbed it. I could feel the shock of electricity course through my hand, but I ignored it to the best of my ability. I wanted us to be back to normal, so I am going to do everything in my ability to make it so, even if it hurts.

“Come here, Lou-bear.” I said as I moved my arm to the back of the couch, inviting him to come sit closer.

I could tell he really missed this. I felt a wave of guilt wash over me as I felt a small sob reverberate against the spot on my chest where Louis now had his head buried. I slid my arm down from the back of the couch to rest on his back and began to rub small circles onto his shoulder, not daring to go any lower. A part of me came to the conclusion that his crying could be from me and my distance, but I dismissed the idea. I already felt bad enough.

His breathing returned to a normal pace, and we continued to watch the movie. I forced myself not to tense up with him on me still. I wanted him to lay here, just not for the same reason he wanted to lay here.

I kept looking down at him resting his head in between my shoulder and stomach. He looked sort of beautiful. As I looked a bit longer, I felt the fire burning again in my stomach, but I did nothing to stop it. In my own fantasy, I want this. This is perfect.

I glanced at the screen and saw the credits start to roll. I glanced at the clock on the wall. 1:17 am. I nudged Louis’ side softly.

“Louis. Get up.” No reply. I traced my hand up and down the side of his arm and tried again. “Lou…Louis.”

He smiled softly and craned his neck up to look at me. “Hmm?” He said through his sleepiness.

It was an impulse, but I brought my head down and placed a small kiss right in the middle of his eye brows. “Wake up, Boo. The movie is over.”

In a half-hearted attempt, he swung his legs from the couch onto the floor, but cuddled back up into my side instead and put his head right into the crook of my neck.

I was buzzing.

He always was one for cuddling, and as much as I wanted to stay here, frozen like this, an ever-prominent warning from down below was alerting me to evacuate the situation.

I put a hand on the side of his cheek and turned his face up to look at me. “Come on.” I encouraged. In response, he stuck his tongue out and shook his head slightly. “Stop.” I said in a mock serious tone.  He scrunched up his nose as he detested my suggestion.

Another impulse- I kissed his nose right on the tip, and kept it there. I liked being that close to him.

“Harry, what are you doing?” He asked curiously. It was becoming very evident that he was waking up. I however, still hadn’t left my little dream world.

He pulled away much to my dismay, and set himself up straighter, but still facing me.

“Thank you, Haz. I’m not really good at this whole ‘not talking’ thing.” His words had a clear double meaning, but he let it roll on like it was nothing. He knew I caught it, and that’s all he wanted.

He leaned in for a hug. I didn’t have enough time to register what was going on, but I just let it happen. I pulled him in close to me, knowing just how much he needed this. I might have needed this just as much.

We pulled apart slightly, but kept are arms in the same place around each other. I could tell he was hurting by looking at his eyes. I want to be the one to make him stop hurting. I hate seeing him like this.

“Harry, what are you doing?” Now I was the one waking up.

“Nothing. Why?” I asked as we let go of each other.

“Were you about to kiss me?” He asked dreadfully slow.

“No. No. I wasn’t.” I fumbled over my words, not sure what order they came out in.

Louis looked at me with a twisted, confused face.

“Good night, Louis.” I pushed myself off the couch and stormed off to my bedroom. I turned my computer on and opened up a new document.

—————-

Dear  _You,_

I am an idiot.

- _Me_  


	2. Chapter 2

Dear  _You,_

Well, that went over like a lead balloon. I don’t know what happened. I said I didn’t trust myself, and I was right. Thank you for not bringing it up since then. I’ve decided that I am going to stop being mad at you. You haven’t done anything to warrant my anger, and it isn’t fair to you. The only person I should be angry at is me. So from now on, I’m going to actually try…try to make us seem as normal as I can. You’re doing a great job at it. You just go with the flow of everything, and I wish I could do that. My feelings just get in the way.

I think I’m stuck in some kind of ‘in between’ feeling. I mean, you are the only person who can make me feel like this. Not only that, you’re the only…well you know, that has ever held my attention the way you do. I wonder how well being in the ‘in between’ would go over for us.

_Would you like me then, because I would be ‘half’ normal?_

- _Me_

_—————_

It’s been three days since I awkwardly tried to kiss Louis. Of course, him being his usual flamboyant (probably a bad choice of word, but moving on) self, carried on the week like nothing had happened. I, however, had not been able to move past it so quickly. I was embarrassed. Mortified even. I needed someone to talk to about this. Someone that would actually talk back to me, not just stare back at me like the words on the pages of the letters. Louis would be my first choice, but that was pretty much out of the question.

“Hello?”

“Uh, hey Li. Can you talk?” He must have been able to hear the unleveled tone in my voice because he suddenly became very interested.

“Sure Harry, are you alright?”

“Well that’s the thing. I made a mistake and I feel rotten about it, but at the same time, I’m not exactly sorry for it.” I bit my lips as the truth came out of my mouth.

“Well, what did you do?” Liam sounded genuinely worried, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell him. Not like this.

“I uhm… I tried to kiss…I tried to kiss a girl who didn’t really want me to kiss her, and now I feel like shit.”

“A girl’s got you feeling like this? When have you ever let someone mess with your heart like this before? “If _only he knew_ I thought. “Well, I think I might have the perfect solution for you. Alright? You just need a little distraction.”

I could tell by his voice that he was genuinely excited about whatever he was scheming.

“Liiiiaammmm….” I groaned.

“Trust me, this will fix things up. Once I work out the details, I’ll talk to you later about it, alright?”

“Fine. Thanks Liam.” I said, though I wasn’t exactly sure just how thankful I really was.

“Love you Haz. Feel better!” With that, he hung up the phone and I plopped back down onto my bed.

I laid there staring up at the ceiling trying to figure out what Liam possibly could have planned. After a while, that got too tiring and I settled on taking a nap.

~*~

“Oh no, he’d never look good in that. Let’s try this.”

“Are you kidding? This one would be best, I promise.” 

The two familiar voices floated around my room, waking me up. I rolled over and saw Danielle and Liam rummaging through the clothes in my closet and scattering various outfits across the floor.

“Liam, please let me pick it. You only dress good half the time, and that’s when I pick out your outfits. Now step aside.” Her comment silenced him causing him to turn around and make his way to the chair by the desk.

“What the hell are you guys doing?” My voice was still deep and slightly rough from just waking up.

Liam jumped onto my bed and sat next to me. I pulled the duvet over my head to shield me from his exuberant energy.

“Picking out your outfit for tonight!” He said, dangerously excited. “You didn’t answer your phone so we decided to come over.”

“I said it was a bad idea, just for reference’s sake.” Danielle said, not turning away from my clothes in the closet.

“Where am I going?” I nearly groaned.

“On a date! I figured the best way to get your mind off this girl who doesn’t know what she is missing would be to set you up with someone else! Now get up! You’re leaving in an hour!”

I grabbed the notepad by the side of my bed and started a new letter.

————-

Dear  _Me,_

This is a terrible idea.

- _Me_

_~*~_

“You look sharp, Harry.” Louis cooed as I walked out of my room. Danielle settled on some brown slacks and a light blue button up shirt. She nearly threw a fit when I told her that I refuse to wear the sleeves long and made her roll them up to my elbows.

“Well, it’s as good as it’s gonna get.” Danielle said in a jokingly dead-panned voice.

“Thank you, love.” I said and kissed her slightly on the cheek.

“Go have fun, Harry.” He said as I walked out the door, with Louis trailing behind. I don’t have my car at the moment, so he’s driving.

I couldn’t help but to laugh on the way out.

“What’s funny?” Louis asked.

“Danielle and Liam were like proud parents sending me off to the prom.” I chuckled out.

For a majority of the ride over, I sat in the passenger seat thinking. I was actually pretty nervous for this date. Not because I wanted her to actually like me or anything, but because I was afraid it would be obvious that I didn’t really want to be there.

“Hey…Harry?” I felt his hand rest on top of mine. “You’re gonna be fine. Just relax.” He soothed my hand out of the fist that I had unknowingly made. The electricity from his touch shot from my hand straight through my body.

“She’s a really nice girl, you’ll love her.” Louis said as we walked up to the restaurant. It was one of my favorite places in London, 17Black.

“Where is she?” I asked, scanning the crowds of people standing outside of the restaurant.

Louis looked around for a second before finding her. “Oh! There she is. Right next to Eleanor. Come on.” He grabbed ahold of my elbow and led me over, but I tensed up.

“Eleanor?” I asked.

“Of course. I wouldn’t let you go on this date alone, Haz. Especially with one of Eleanor’s friends. I figured that us coming would make it more comfortable. Less awkward tension, you know?” He patted my elbow and continued pulling me along.

_Less awkward tension my ass._

“Hi, I’m Melanie!” She was overwhelmingly chipper. Just like Eleanor. She and Eleanor actually shared a lot of similarities.

Melanie had a very lean body, complete with long legs and a peculiarly posh-looking face. Her brown curls fell to about the middle of her back, and her big brown eyes seemed to be glued to my face. This was going to be a difficult meal.

“Uh, hey. I’m Harry.” I said after a significant delay.

“Well, come on! Let’s get inside!” Louis offered.

“Melanie is on the same track as me at Uni. Communications. Isn’t that cool?” Eleanor said as we waited for our salads to be brought out.

“Incredible.” I bit out, trying my best to keep the sarcasm out of my voice.

Eleanor and I felt the same about each other. She however, was much more courteous than I was. She’s at least civil to me. I can’t tolerate her under any circumstances.

“What would you be studying if you weren’t famous, Harry?” Melanie asked, a bit meeker than before dinner.

“Probably law, I guess. Or psychology? Not sure. It changes a lot.” I could feel Louis’ eyes burning a hole into the side of my face as my answers came out very short and frank.

Unfortunately, (I’m not sure who is the most unfortunate out of everyone at this meal) all of dinner went over like this. If I look past the fact that she reminds me so much of Eleanor, I can actually bring myself to feel a bit sorry for her. I wasn’t into this date. I didn’t want to be here, especially with Louis and Eleanor. By the time dessert came around, I had turned into the awkward fourth wheel for Melanie, Eleanor and Louis.

“Maybe we could do this again sometime? On our own, though?” Her question was full of hope.

“Yeah, babe. Maybe.” I gave her a quick peck near the corner of her mouth a wished her goodnight. Louis and I walked back to the car in silence.

He was mad. I could tell by how tight his grip was on the steering wheel. It wasn’t until we got onto the freeway, though that Louis started talking.

“What the hell was that?!”

“What are you talking about?” I lied.

“Harry, you know damn well what I am talking about. You ruined a perfectly good date. That poor girl was really excited to go out with you and you could barely give her the time of day.”

“I said goodnight and kissed her. I was a gentleman.” I knew just how much this was a lie, but I continued it.

“Yeah right!” He laughed, “You kissed her because you were glad it was over.”

“Arse.” I had nothing else to say because it was the truth.

We pulled into the driveway of the house. The car was still buzzing with tension. I reached for the handle, but Louis locked the car.

“Let me out.” I said through gritted teeth.

“No. Tell me why you acted like a douche to that girl. Tell me why you were a complete arsehole this whole night.”

“Let. Me. Out.” I said again, but I could feel my strength weakening.

He looked me straight in the eyes. The crisp blue orbs were practically glowing in the darkness of the night. I felt my heart stammer a bit in my chest. “Harry. Tell me.” His voice was much softer than moments earlier. He broke me down.

“I couldn’t do it.” It was barely audible, but he heard it. My gaze dropped down to the floor and silence consumed the car. I heard the soft click of the car unlocking and I got out and heading inside.

I was in my room before Louis had even come inside.

—————

Dear  _You,_

I couldn’t do it. It was too much. I didn’t want to be there. Maybe there isn’t an in between. Not for me. Please don’t ever put me on a date ever again. That is the lowest blow in the world for me. It’s like you just twisted the knife in me. I don’t need someone else. I only need one person. I wish you could understand that.

I’m not normal. I get it. There is something wrong with me. If there wasn’t, I wouldn’t constantly hate myself. I hate myself right now. Bet you didn’t know that. I’m stuck in this world where there is only one thing I need to survive, but that thing I need is nowhere around. Even worse, that one thing that I need is already in use by someone else.

It’s just sad, I guess. You know, me.

- _Me_

_—————_

I heard a soft knock on my door a little while later, but I decided not to answer.

It wasn’t until insomnia and boredom got the best of me that I decided to find something to distract me. I quietly headed out into the kitchen to retrieve the portable DVD player and a bag of crisps. As I made my way back to my room, I saw a florescent yellow square stuck to the middle of my door. I set the items in my hand down on the counter and retrieved the square.

“You’re there for me. I’m there for you. Always. X”

“Always.” I said aloud, even though I wasn’t sure of its full meaning just yet.


	3. Chapter 3

Dear You,

I’m still trying to understand what words mean. Just in general I guess. Some words are strange, you know? Like they have a different meaning to everyone. Always is a funny one. I mean, sometimes it actually means “forever”, but sometimes it means “always, until I decide that I don’t want to do that anymore and yeah.”

Which one are you?

Sincerely,

Me.

—————————————

I couldn’t exactly see the last few words of the letter because I sneezed all over the paper in front of me and my snot smeared the pen a bit.

“Maybe you should stick to typing.” A voice from the doorway said.

I quickly shoved the letter into the empty drawer of my desk and turned to look at my visitor. It was Louis of course. What else was I expecting?

“You feeling alright, mate? You look a bit-“

“Oh no, don’t you dare start on that. I am fine. Just a little tired is all.” I objected quickly. I always refuse to be sick. I don’t have time for it in my life, so I ignore it. Unfortunately, I ended my defense with a series of rather foul sounding coughs that countered my statement.

“Harry, don’t lie to yourself. You are sick and you know it. Maybe you should just-“

“Louis…stop. I am fine, honest.”

He gave a rather condescending laugh and rolled his eyes at my statement.

He smirked a bit before digressing. “Alright…If you are fine, would you mind helping me with some of the furniture in the living room? I want to change some things around.”

“Sure. Be right there.” I said. He turned around and laughed under his breath as he walked out of the room. I stood up and began to follow him out when I became completely overwhelmed with dizziness and my stomach flipped over itself. I had to steady myself on the corner of the desk. I ended up knocking off a few books from the edge.

“Everything alright in there?” He called out.

I gulped down a stabilizing breath. “Just fine.” I called back and headed for the living room. _I wasn’t going to let him win this. I’m not even that sick_ , I told myself.

“So, what do you want to change?” I asked as I leaned on the island in the kitchen. As casual as I looked, this thing was supporting my weight and keeping me standing upright.

“I want to spin the small sofa around to the other side, but I can’t do it. Bad back, you know? Can you switch it for me?” A faint smile was present on his face, but I ignored it and headed for the couch.

I spun it to face the nearest wall. “How’s that?” I asked.

He stared at it for a bit with pursed lips and his arms folded across his chest. “Mmmm, no. Let’s try that wall.” He pointed to the wall across the room and I spun the chair to face that direction instead. My stomach lurched over itself as I moved around in a circle.

“Here?” I asked, a little weaker than before.  _Come on, Harry. Just get this situated and you can go back to your room. Just make it through this._

“No, no, no. That isn’t right either.” Louis said, shaking a hand at the chair placement. “Can you put it back the way it was before?”

I gulped down my queasiness and spun the chair back around to its original position. That final spin did it. My stomach quickly made its way up to my throat. I made a mad dash to the bathroom and tried to prevent myself from being sick any of the other rooms in the house.

I felt awful. I felt like my insides decided to make an appearance in the restroom and couldn’t stop coming. After about ten minutes or so, I collapsed against the bathroom wall and rested my head on my knees. I was pretty sure if I stood up, my body would just collapse into a pile on the floor because all of my insides had just been purged out in the most unpleasant of ways.

“You okay?” Louis’ soft voice asked through the door.

“What do you think?” My feeble voice responded.

“Can you unlock the door? I’ll take you to your bed so you can lie down. You need some rest.” He said.

If I hated one thing more than being sick, it was being catered to. I hated the idea of someone having to do everything for me because I couldn’t.  I unlocked the door anyways because I didn’t feel like fighting back.

“Come on. To bed with you.” He picked me up and carried me off to my room. My body was slumped against his and my feet half dragged, half walked themselves next to him.

“You aren’t going to take care of me, Lou. I’m fine, really.” I offered, but to no avail.

“If you are fine, why are you being carried all the way to your room?” He asked with a slight laugh in his voice.

After a few moments of consideration, I finally worked out a logical response.

“Because I’m sick.” I said matter-of-factly.

“At last, the truth comes out! One of life’s greatest mysteries has been solved!” He announced to no one in particular. “Ladies and gentlemen, the invincible Harry Edward Styles has succumbed to being sick! What has the world come to?!”

“Oh, shut up, and make me feel better and less like rubbish? And maybe talk a bit lower while you are at it?” His voice was echoing through my ears and all I wanted was a warm bed to roll up in and forget the fact that I am asking for help.

“Anything for the ill princess of the flat,” he said as he helped me into my bed. “I’ll be right back with some tablets and soup. Chicken stock with pasta and no celery, right?”

I couldn’t help but smile at the fact that he was going out of his way to make me soup. If I didn’t feel like absolute death, I would probably be over the moon at the attention Louis was giving me right now, and the fact that I didn’t feel the slightest bit guilty for this. After all, he was the one initiating all this.

“Right. Thank you.”

He smiled and gave a slight nod before walking out into the kitchen and retrieving the items he needed and got to cooking.

I reached over to my dresser and grabbed a notepad and pen to jot down a quick letter in-between the waves of nausea that were still hitting me post-“The Great Purge.”

———

Dear You,

I’m going to hold onto this moment because as awful as I feel right now, I still have this elation coursing through me because you care. I know you always have cared, but this is a different side of you. Would you do this even if all the past circumstances hadn’t ever happened?

Probably. You are just that amazing of a person. You have a perfect, self-less heart, and here I am, taking advantage of all this by letting you cater to me while I am sick.

This letter didn’t go the way I was expecting it to. I think I’ll stop it now.

Me.

——-

I tore the letter off the pad and folded it up and stuffed it deep into my pocket. I won’t dare take it over to the drawer containing the rest of the letters right now. I probably wouldn’t make it that far anyways without spilling my guts all over the center of my room.

“I bring goodies!” Louis says as he walks into my room with a small tray containing soup, saltines, a glass of water and some flu tablets. “Take the tablets first and then eat your soup.” He instructs.

I don’t even bother to object, so I just follow what he says.

After I eat through about half of the bowl of soup, I start to feel the side effects of the medicine set in.

“What’s this medicine going to do anyhow?” I asked as my eyelids begin to feel much heavier than I remember them being.

“It’ll take care of those sniffles you have going on as well as your cough. The nausea will be suppressed a bit, but you might still feel it a little. There is also some slight drowsiness as a side effect, so don’t fight against it. It’ll do you some good anyways. You need it.” With that, Louis removed the tray from my lap and coaxed me to lie back down on the bed.

“Don’t let me sleep too long, or else I’ll be up all night long, and I don’t want to do that.” I urged, but he shushed me anyways.

“I’ll be in around dinner to check on you, alright? That’s a few hours of sleep that you could use.” He shut the blinds and headed for the door.

“Need anything else?” He asked before leaving.

“To stop being sick.”  I deadpanned as my eyes slid shut. I stopped fighting the sleep and let the darkness pull me into its clutches.

===================

I shut the door and headed into the kitchen to put away the rest of the soup for later. I stopped for a moment and smiled to myself as I heard the soft echo of Harry’s snores reverberate through the house. I’m really glad he loosened up to let me take care of him.

I’ve always felt especially close to him since we were formed as a band. Leaving my sisters was so hard. I was always the one who was taking care of them while my mum was at work. I guess I felt like I was suffering from that ‘Empty Nest’ syndrome because I didn’t have anyone to care for while I was one the show.

Harry changed that though. He let me take care of him. I care about him so much and I credit that to our times spent together during the live shows. Even though he was sixteen, he was  _so_ young. He grew up way to fast and now he’s stuck in this adult life where he doesn’t belong. I see it all the time and it breaks my heart.

I busied myself with some cleaning around the house. I wouldn’t normally do this…correction, I would NEVER do this, but since Harry is under the weather, I think it would probably be best. I don’t want the house to be another thing he is worried about.

I wish I knew what was really troubling him. I can see it in his face all the time that something is on his mind. He’s always thinking about something. It makes him very precautious as to what he does. It’s like he has to check with someone else before he does anything. It’s obvious that he feels like something is weighing down on him.

My thoughts were interrupted by some stirring and groans from Harry’s bedroom and I headed over to peek in.

“Harry?” I called quietly into the room, but no response. I decided to walk over to his bed to see if he was still asleep.

His face looked so worn and tired. Not what an eighteen year old boy should look like. Whatever was plaguing his thoughts during daylight was definitely invading his dreams as well. He had a slight frown on his face and his eyebrows were furrowed slightly. His forehead was glisteningly damp, causing his curls to matt down a bit. I reached out to brush them away but retracted as I remembered how odd Harry has been reacting to my touch. 

After a few moments of awkwardly looking down at Harry in his sleep, I decided I should head out of the room and take a nap until dinner.

“Loouuuuu…” Harry called out softly as I reached the door.

“Yes, love?”

“Come here.” His voice was low and rough and filled with sleep mixed with his sore throat.

“Do you need some more soup or something? Are you too hot? I could turn on the fan or something…” He had a much washed out look on his face and wasn’t offering any emotion or incite as to what he wanted.

After some silence and deliberation on his part, he let out a sigh and replied in between coughs, “I would just like a cuddle.”

“How about I get you some lozenges for you cough instead.”  I offered up.

“Lou. Do you want me to get better?” His words were slurred together slightly and I wasn’t sure how to respond. I couldn’t help but think of how he reacted a few nights ago when we were watching the movie. “Pweese Boo-bear? It’ll get me well right quick.”

I just laughed and nodded in compliance.

He quickly-to the best of his ability anyways- pulled the blanket off the left side of the bed to make room for me to join him. I propped myself up against the headboard and allowed him to lean his head against the right side of my ribcage.

He fumbled around a bit until he nuzzled himself into the entire right side of my body. “Comfy.” He said with partially closed eyes and a small smirk on his face once he finally settled in.

We sat there in that silence for a few minutes. Harry’s hand was idly resting on the section of skin between my hip and my knee cap.  _Probably the wrong day to wear shorts_  I thought to myself. I could feel his hand as if it were a fifty pound weight resting there. The entire spot of my leg was covered in goose bumps and any time his hand stirred or he decided to trace a small pattern there, chills went up my spine. The entire situation was making me feel uncomfortable and pleasantly relaxed all at the same time.

I finally broke through the obvious one-sided tension and proposed a question. “Harry, is everything alright?”

“Whydya ask?” He slurred out.

“Well, you’ve been acting rather strange lately and I think something is going on that you aren’t telling me. I mean, if it were two days ago, the thought of you asking for a cuddle with the state you’ve been in would be enough to get a good laugh out of both of us.” I wanted to just keep going but his green eyes looked up at me and made me finish there.

“I dunno. Can we just lay here annot do anything else?” His face looked so drastically young compared to how it has looked lately, even compared to when he was asleep twenty minutes before. Right now, he looked like a child who has been dragged around from place to place all day and is asking to finally go home and rest. All my questions dissipated from my mind except for one last one.

“This is all from the medicine, isn’t it?”

“Probably.” That was as honest as it would get today. That was also the only answer I needed for today, because in reality, it answered so many more.

There is still something wrong with him; troubling him. This open façade he has right now will soon disappear and fade away along with the effects of his tablets. Soon enough he will be well again and back to his closed-off self. For now, I’m okay with this, because I think I know. I think I finally know what it is about Harry that is making him like this. I know.

I decided to settle in and enjoy what little time I had left with this image of Harry that I hadn’t seen in so many months.

===============

I fell asleep under the soft touch of Louis stroking his hand across my curls. He knows how much I hate people touching my curls, but he also knows that he is basically the only person besides my mum who I allow to do it anyways. Right now, it was all the comfort I could have asked for and more. My body was completely electrified in every part that was in contact with Louis. I’m not sure if this was a result of the medicine or just the high that he gives me naturally. I decide not to think about it and let his movements lull me to sleep.

In my dream, I wrote him a letter. I remember sitting down at this huge, white desk that contained one single piece of paper and a pen. There was a sign hanging on the wall in front of the desk that read, “make it count.” So I did.

_Dear Louis,_

Using his actual name…well that’s a start I guess.

_Will you love me if I am actually me? I hope so._

_Love always,_

_Harry_

“I’ll still love you no matter what.” I heard his voice say as if he were answering my letter.

I turned around in the chair I was sitting in to look for him, but he was nowhere to be found.

“Where did you go?” I called out into the empty white room.   
“I didn’t go anywhere.” He said right back. “I’ll stay right here.” I still couldn’t see where his voice was coming from. I decided to hop off my chair and look for him.

The chair was so high up and the ground so far, that when I jumped, I fell for ages. I didn’t stop falling until I felt a hand on my shoulder, shaking me softly.

“Haz, it’s time for dinner. You need to eat something.” It was Louis. I felt myself breathe a sigh of relief at his face.

“I found you.” I said. I smiled through my daze of sleepiness at my victory.

“I told you, I didn’t go anywhere Hazza.” He said with a smile. “Now come and eat.” He left the room right after that.

I sat there for a moment, frozen at Louis’ words.  _I told you_ , _I didn’t go anywhere_ he said. Panic started to set in as I realized that Louis’ voice in my dream said the same thing this Louis said right now. I replayed him saying it a few seconds ago in my mind. It seemed so genuine.

The worst question possible creeped into my mind after that.  _What if I asked him where he went in my sleep?_ If I did, then what else did I say. After all, I also heard his voice say something else to me in my dream as well.

My stomach dropped as I remembered what I said in my ‘dream letter’ and what his response was.

_I’ll still love you no matter what._


	4. Chapter 4

“Do you think you are quite better now?” Louis asked as he walked into the living room.

I had woken up at about 7 this morning and went for a jog to try and get the rest of my sickness out of my system. I was now hanging upside down on the couch with my head resting on the floor while attempting to eat popcorn and watch TV. Both of which, I was failing miserably at. I did a quick analysis of myself and came to the conclusion that I was recovered.

“Quite so, Doctor Tomlinson.” I replied, heavily focused on making a popcorn kernel fall off my chin and into my mouth.

“Well that’s good, because I have an idea.” Louis said as he sat himself down in front of me, cross-legged. It took all of me to restrain myself from groaning aloud. Louis’ ideas have a history of being, well, awful. They never end well and I end up dealing with the aftermath.

“What is it, Lou?” I said, in the most condescending tone I could possibly muster up.

“…so I think we should have a party.” He said with extreme bated breath.

“No.” I said firmly. Sometimes, I feel like Louis is the younger one in our relationship…err…friendship? I don’t know what to call us.

 

“Please? Harry it would be so much fun!” He pulled himself up to his knees and hung his head upside-down to be at eye level with me.

“Louis, no. I don’t want to have a party.  That’s too much work. I just want to relax and not worry about cleaning up after you. Now if you don’t mind, I am trying to watch the telly.” I said, trying to be more uninterested then I really was.

“Harry. TOWIE is on. You hate TOWIE. Please let me have a party! We’re on break for Christ’s sake! We’re never gonna get the chance to have a house party again. Ever!” Leave it to him to over-exaggerate. My eyes were still glued to the TV until this very moment. I glanced over at Louis who had now thrown himself onto the floor in utter defeat and was sighing heavily into the carpet.

“Fine,” I said, “but I’m not planning it.”  _Caving as always, Styles. Way to hold your ground._ I thought to myself.

“No need! It’s this Saturday!” He bounced up quickly to his feet before making an attempt to pull me right side up on the couch.

“Tommorr-What are you doing?!” I asked as my body was currently being jerked around.

“Getting you up! We need to go shopping for all the necessities. God, Styles, It’s like you’ve never planned a party before.” He said with a rather melodramatic tone as he headed to the coat rack to grab his things.

“Haven’t planned one, but I sure as hell have cleaned up after one.” I muttered under my breath in mock-spite.

“Oh shut it, Haz. Live a little! C’mon let’s go!” And before I knew it, we were out the door headed to the lift.

—————

I knew I was going to be in for a long day when Louis went to Starbucks first and ordered two Venti Chai teas. He said I could have one if I wanted, but we both know very well that I hate Chai tea.

Somewhere between stocking up on “drunk people food” and debating which brand of Vodka was better, I found myself settling into a daydream about the party. As much as I hate it, there isn’t a single scenario of this party that can end well unless I avoid the alcohol. I can practically hear my liver thanking me in advance.

~*~

Dear  _you_ ,

 I’m not going to drink. I’d like to keep this party as ‘event-free’ as possible. Every good party needs that floater who keeps the whole thing going anyways, right? You’re kind of like my life floater. Even if I don’t show it sometimes, I really am thankful that you are the oil that keeps my gears running…what the hell? Okay that was a dumb metaphor, but you get what I am saying.

I’m just really glad to see you happy right now. You’ve been buzzing about this since we got in the car…maybe this can feel normal again. Us sharing exciting and stupid things together and not feeling the slightest bit awkward about it…To be fair, I think that awkwardness is probably just coming from me. If I ever make it a point to write down this little letter that I am mentally jotting down in my head, I will make it a point to state that this entire time, you have been rambling on about this party without taking a single breath. Impressive.

- _Me_

_~*~_

We’d been at it for hours when we finally got back into the car. Curse his town for having all the necessities in walking distance. “We headed home now?” I asked as Louis sipped through the last half of his second Chai tea.

“One last stop, then we’re home, but first…” He paused long enough to pay the toll fee, “we need to run to Topman…we can’t possibly wear our current clothes to the party. We  _are_ the hosts after all.” He followed with a cheeky wink that made me jab him in the side and let out a light laugh.

“Uh-uh,  _you, you_ are the host Louis. I…I’m just the… uh-“I struggled to find a description for my duties this Saturday.

“…my trusty house-maid!” Louis finished my sentence with a small amount of mock pride.

That earned him another jab which followed with both of us laughing this time. I smile to myself at how normal and comfortable this felt.

 _When had things changed?_  I asked myself.

——————-

Louis’ ideal guest list included a few handfuls of people from our complex, the boys, of course, Eleanor, and a few of our industry friends. Everyone showed up around 9pm, and nearly everyone was already slightly buzzed upon arrival.

“Not to worry,” Louis said to nobody in particular, “we have harder stuff in the back!” With that, however, everyone seemed quite excited. I made my way to the kitchen to grab the ‘hard stuff’ that Louis had referenced. I had a feeling someone would be nursing a terrible hang over in the morning, and for once, it wouldn’t be me.

Everyone started to get into their own comfortable niche around half 10, so I made my way to the kitchen to hang out in there. I hopped up onto the counter and pulled out my phone to occupy myself. From the next room, I could Zayn messing around with the sound system and making little remixes of the songs playing through the speakers.

For about twenty minutes or so, a steady stream of people were meandering through the kitchen searching for a drink or a snack. Nobody stopped to talk to me, which was fine. I scrolled through my Twitter mentions and entertained myself with that until someone finally interrupted.

“Well, aren’t you just the life of the party.” He said.

“I’ll inform you,” I said as I looked up to meet his gaze, “that the party is actually in the living room. Therefore, I am not involved with the party.” It came out just as sarcastic as his comment, which he then could only retort with a laugh.

“I’m Mikey.” He said as he extended a hand out.

Given the fact that I was still sitting on the counter and he was standing, I reached my hand down slightly to meet his. He held onto my hand much longer than expected, and I responded with an awkward laugh before pulling away.

“Right…I’m Harry. You live in the complex?” I asked in an effort to change the air.

“Why, you wanna go back to my place?” He said with a dark laugh. I wasn’t sure how I felt about it.

“Uhm, No. It was just a question. We live here. We, I mean, Louis and I…Like, this is our apartment…” I don’t know what it was, but my speech had become completely flustered.

Mikey looked at me for a second as if he was seriously taking in everything I had just said. “So what you are saying,” he said as he sarcastically stroked his chin,” is that it would be more logical for us to go back to your room instead of to my place a few floors down. Right, let’s get to it then…” He paused, waiting for me to tell him my name again.

“It’s Harry. And, I don’t go that way, man. Sorry.”

Mikey stared at me again, but seriously this time. It was a cross between him mentally undressing me and scolding me in his mind, and I didn’t like it. “I’d say otherwise, mate.” He said as he extended a hand and placed it on my knee.

His touch sent a chill up my spine. Unfortunately, it must have caused some sort of physical change to me as well, because Mikey smiled slyly right after. He slowly walked backwards until he was at the kitchen door. I was still seated on the counter, with my hands now tucked under my thighs. Mikey took my movement as an opportunity to shut the kitchen door before slowly walking back over to me on the counter.

“You sure you don’t go that way, Haz?” He asked as he stood back in front of me.

“It’s Harry, and yes.”

He walked forward until his hips were positioned right in between my knees. His hands slid their way up until they were about at the middle of my thighs. “You sure you’ve never been…curious?” He brought his face closer to mine. We were only about 6 inches apart.

“Nope.” My voice managed to crack slightly with that one word. I could barely keep myself together. _Why the hell was I becoming so undone all of a sudden?_

With that, Mikey gave my thighs a slight slap before removing them. “Fine, well call me if you ever change your mind.” He backed up slightly so his hip bones were now resting on my knee caps and held out his hand. “Phone, Harry. Let me see your phone, please.”

I thought about it for a second. Louis’ words from this morning popped into my mind at that exact moment. “Live a little!”

I handed him my phone.  _What’s the worst that could happen?_

“Right, well I’m saving you as the ‘Green-eyed life of the party’ in my phone.” He said as we traded back phones.

“Uhm…alright. I’m guessing just ‘Mikey’ wouldn’t work, right?” I asked.

“No. Be more original.” He shot back, slightly wounded by my boring question.

“Fine,” I said, “You are now officially ‘the guy who won’t take no’ in my phone. Will that suffice?” I wasn’t sure if I should be annoyed or laugh at the guy standing before me as he beamed with content at my answer.

“I  _guess_  that will do.” He replied and walked out the kitchen without another word. Now where have I heard an over-exaggeration like that before? My stomach sank low and I felt sick instantly as I thought of Louis.

“What did I just do?” I said to the empty kitchen.

I hopped off the counter and immediately felt like I needed to do something. My mind started racing over 100 different thoughts and I started searching for something to distract myself with. I started pacing back and forth across the kitchen until my legs felt like Jell-O. I grabbed onto the nearest counter to steady myself. Finally, I just stayed there and hung my head in defeat.

“Harry?” a meek voice from the kitchen door said.

I felt my arms give out and I started to slip down. My forearms caught me, luckily.

“Haz, are you alright? What’s wrong? You look absolutely dreadful!” Louis turned me around and looked me straight in the eyes. “Hey…Harry, what’s wrong? You look like you are in a right state. Tell me what’s going on? Did you get drugged or something? What the hell?” I just stared back at him. The more questions he asks, the worse I feel. Here he is, showing me once again, just how much he cares about me, and I go off and let some random guy hit on me and get my number.

“I feel like I’m going to be sick.” I finally say.

“Let’s get you to bed, Harry. I am so sorry about this party. If I would have known you were still feeling ill I would have cancelled the party. I’m really sorry.” He continued on a slew of apologies the entire way to my bedroom.

“Once everyone leaves, I’ll come and check on you, alright? Get some rest, love.” He switched off the light and shut the door.

 _Great,_ I thought,  _now I’m just stuck here with my thoughts._ I felt my stomach surge and I let out a groan.

I reached over to my bedside table and grabbed a notebook and the nearest pen.

~*~

Dear  _you_ ,

Sorry if this hurts you somehow along the way.

One of us is going to get hurt, but to be honest… I think I just need to do this.

I need to know.

- _Me_

_~*~_

My nerves calmed almost instantly after writing that down and I fell into a dreamless sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

Dear  _Y_ _ou_ ,

I swear on our entire friendship that if this living room isn’t clean when I walk out there, I will end you.

And have no remorse for it.

Yours Truly,

-Me

~*~

I held my breath and expected the absolute worst to meet my gaze, but instead, the living room was clean. No cups on the table, no bits of food laying around, no disheveled furniture. Everything was right where it belongs.

“Peculiar.” I say aloud as I scan the rest of the house. Everything else is this way also. I glance over to the clock to check the time. It’s nearly eleven in the morning and I haven’t seen any sign of Louis. He’s usually awake and making a racket by now.

I look over and see that his bedroom door is shut. That can only mean one of two things.

  1. ELEANOR STAYED OVER
  2. LOUIS DID  SOMETHING AWFUL



_Well this can’t possibly go over well_. I thought to myself as I headed for the door.

I knocked softly before reaching for the handle. No response and the door was locked. This was not like him at all.

“Louis are you in there?” I called to him followed by a louder knock.

“Uh, yeah. I’m here.” His voice sounded off.

“Open the door.” I encouraged.

“No thanks, Haz. Why don’t you go out and get a bite to eat. My treat. Card’s on the counter.” His voice cracked twice through that. If I knew Louis as well as I thought I did, I knew he wouldn’t be opening up this door until I left the house.

“Is Eleanor in there?” I questioned.

There wasn’t a reply.

“Lou?” I called as I heard some sort of muffled breathing from behind the door. Taking matters into my own hands, I grabbed the key from above my door that Louis could never reach and brought it down to open his door.

“Louis? What are you doing?” I asked as I walked into his bedroom. He was laying on his bed still dressed in his clothes from the night before, and his back to me.

His shoulders were shaking slightly and as I approached, he pulled his duvet over him tighter.

I walked around to stand in front of him and knelt down to be at eye level. “Louis, look at me.”

A broken sigh echoed from his body as he pulled the covers away from his face. His eyes were swollen and red and his face was splotchy and dotted with tear stains.

“What the hell has you a wreck like this, Lou? How long have you been crying?” A million different things started to run through my head, and all I wanted to do was to fix this problem as soon as possible.

“El and I…we broke up. She dumped me at the party last night. I don’t know what to do. She won’t listen to me. I tried to apologize, honest.” He speech escalated quickly and ended with a terribly guttural sob that made my eyes bug out of my head. I hadn’t ever seen him like this.  _She did this…Just another reason to dislike her_ I thought.

I reached a hand out and gently smoothed his hair down in an attempt to calm him down. He really was a wreck.

“Okay, tell me what happened.” I sat cross-legged on the floor and continued to graze his head while he began to talk.

“I did something terrible. It was an accident. You know how I get when I am drunk, Harry. I just don’t think straight.” Well, whatever he did, he really was feeling terrible about it.

“What is it that you did, Lou?” I was almost afraid to hear the answer.

“I cheated on her, Harry. I was with someone else at the party. Eleanor walked into my room and I was pinned up against the wall with my lips smashed on someone else!” He’s always been the dramatic type, and this episode was only channeling it to its full potential. His sobs came back again and I willed him up to a sitting position to get a better look at him.

“Hey, we can reason with her, alright? I’m sure she’d understand if you told her that it was just a drunken accident. She loves you too much to just say goodbye to all of that.” I didn’t like the idea…correction, I hated the idea of Eleanor in general, but I knew this was the only thing to make Louis feel better, and I was willing to do anything.

“No, she threw it all away, I know it. I can’t fix it.” He buried his head into the pillow sitting in his lap and hugged it tightly with his arms.

“And why is that?” I asked.

He looked up at me with his bloodshot eyes and tear-stained cheeks. “Because I told her I didn’t love her anymore, and went back to what I was doing. How could I be so stupid! It wasn’t me talking, it was the alcohol…it had to be.” His voice faltered at the end.

“Who were you with?” I asked, changing the subject slightly. I can’t think of a single person at that party last night that would make Louis be so engrossed into them that he would completely disregard Eleanor.

“It doesn’t matter who. The fact is, I’ve lost Eleanor for good, and I am absolutely crushed because I don’t know what to do.” He put his head back into his pillow again. This time, the tears were flowing more freely. I didn’t make any effort to stop him either. If he was upset, the best thing he could do was to just let it all out so he could get it out of his system. I stood up and sat next to him on the bed and rubbed his back soothingly.

“Hey, listen. You are going to be alright, okay? I’m not going to let you be upset over this. Sure, you made a mistake, who doesn’t. you’re human, Lou. If Eleanor doesn’t want to take you back because she can’t realize that, we will just find you someone new.”

“Great pep talk, Harry. Really turns the mood around.” Louis deadpanned as he looked up from the pillow in his lap.

“I thought it would help.” I said as I flashed my biggest, cheesiest grin possible.

A saw a sliver of a smile crack onto Louis face. “What a trying young man you are.”

“Alright, here’s the deal, I’m not gonna let you feel like shit over a girl. I’m gonna make you feel 110% better, at least for one day.”  I was completely serious about this and he could tell.

“Why is that?” He asked curiously.

“Because. You took care of me, and now it’s my turn to take care of you. So…what would you like to eat. I’ll make whatever you’d like.”

He looked over at me and smiled shyly. “Will you make me some alfredo pasta? You don’t have to, but if you’d li-“

“I’d love to, Boo. Why don’t you queue up Grease, and we can eat lunch in here and watch it. Sound good?” I asked.

Louis nodded his head in response and managed to get himself out of bed and make his way to the television.

I walked out to the kitchen with a smile on my face; completely elated that I was able to turn Louis’ mood around, if only for a little bit.  _I’ll make this last_ I thought to myself as I turned on the stove.

———————-

“Can I sing along without you getting annoyed?” Louis asked as he hit play on the remote.

“Yeah. I won’t say a single thing. Sing your heart out, Lou.” I offered with a smile.

He settled against the head board and ate his pasta while I did the same.

~*~

Dear  _You,_

Damn these mental letters. I never remember to commit them to paper.

Anyhow, I always manage to get us to a point where everything seems perfect and we seem normal, but I screw it up right after by doing something stupid.

This is nice right now, but please forgive me when I mess it up, because, let’s be honest. What don’t I screw up?

- _Me_

_~*~_

Louis pulled his knees up to his chest as Olivia Newton-John belt out “Hopelessly Devoted To You.”

“Everything alright, Lou?” He looked terribly sad again.

“Uhm yeah,” his voice slightly choked up, “it’s just that I used to sing this to Eleanor sometimes, and yeah…”

“Maybe we shouldn’t have watched Grease.”  _Good going Harry, you’ve screwed up again._

“No, no, no. It’s fine. Really.” He pulled himself together and continued to watch  the scene play out right until the bridge of the song came about.  That’s when it just went downhill.

He pulled his knees even closer to him and silent tears started to roll down his face. This song was tearing him apart.

“Louis Tomlinson, come here this instant.” I said, patting the area of the bed next to me. “You will not cry over a girl. I will not allow it.”

He scooted over willingly and leaned his head onto my shoulder. More tears. I guess that’s what happens after a year of dating.  _I wouldn’t know._

I pulled him closer and wrapped my arms around him in an attempt at a hug. We sat like that for a while. The movie was on mute, and the only noise in the room was the changing patterns of Louis’ breathing. First, fast and choppy, but soon digressing into smooth, slow breaths.

“I love you, you know…” He said after about twenty minutes of this. The statement came as a surprise, and I wasn’t quite sure how he wanted me to respond, so I just said the first thing that came to mind.

“Yeah, I know.”   _Yeah, I know?! No ‘I love you too’?! What kind of answer was that, Styles?!_

Sometimes, my mind is my own worst enemy.

“No honest. I wouldn’t know what to do if I didn’t have you in my life.” He managed to nuzzle his head into the crook of my neck as he said this. A warm feeling shot through my body as I listened to the sincerity of his words.

“Thanks, Lou…Really.” I didn’t know what else to say, so I just pulled him in tighter to me.

I could feel a small smile form on his face and it tickled across the skin of my neck.

The silence continued for a while longer. I wanted to know desperately what he was thinking. I wanted to avoid thinking as much as possible right now because thinking always has a funny way of screwing everything good up.

“Harry?” Louis asked as he moved his head back slightly to meet my eyes with his.

“Yeah Lou?”

His eyes scanned across my face for a moment and I could tell he was searching for the right words to say before he actually said them.”Promise you won’t ever leave me. Like, no matter what stupid and crazy things I do, promise that you won’t walk away from what we have?”

I stared down back him. This twenty year old man who looked more like a child at the moment was asking me to stay here. To not abandon him.

 _Don’t walk away from what we have?_ I repeated his last sentence in my head.  _What did we have?_  Well I sure as hell don’t know, but he seems to, and if one of us knows, that’s okay with me…for now.

“Promise” I say into his wavy brown hair.

He nodded in appreciation at my agreement and laid his head down on my chest. He reached over and unmuted the tv and we went back to watching the movie. I could have sworn I felt Lou place a small kiss just below the top of my shoulder.

All of the emotions mixed with the restless night before had Louis completely knackered. He fell asleep towards the end of the movie. No surprise there. I couldn’t bring myself to wake him. He deserved this rest and I wasn’t going to dare interrupt it.

I think this may be it. This is the time that everything is going to go back to normal. Louis would finally have the ‘old me’ back. I could feel myself slipping back into that comfort from before as each day passes by. I thought it would be a struggle, but I guess not. It was just me fighting against it. Now there is no more fighting. I’m just going to let it happen.

My phone buzzed from the nightstand signaling that I had a new text message.

 **[1] New Text Message** : ‘the guy who won’t take no’

Mixed emotions ran through me as I remembered all about Mikey from the night before.

“busy 2morrow? Wanna meet up?? x”

Before I had a chance to reply, another text message came in from Mikey.

“p.s. look at my contact name b4 you text me back ;) x”  

_Well, Harry, do you really have a choice here?_


	6. Chapter 6

I had the weirdest dream of my life. That is literally the last time I let Harry allow me to watch Grease and fall asleep. All I know is that Harry does not look appealing in any way when dressed in a poodle skirt and a high-collared blouse. I however, look ridiculously hot as a greaser. Slicked back hair is a good look for me. I’ll have to keep that in mind for our next shoot.

I managed to squirm an arm out of Harry’s embrace to check the time. It was four in the afternoon already.  _Way to waste an entire day, Louis._ I thought to myself. Then, I remembered everything that had happened this morning. Harry taking care of me, eating home cooked pasta, watching Grease. The ‘I love you.’

_Shit._

The ‘I love you’ really happened. Even worse, my promise came out too. I never intended to make that promise with him. I don’t know what came over me. I guess it was just a feeling of being scared.

I don’t have Eleanor anymore, and Harry was always the one I could go to with anything, even before Eleanor. Hell, that kid probably loved me more than she ever did. I just can’t risk losing him. Let’s face it, it’s only a matter of time before I do something stupid that I will regret. It will be the one time that Harry just can’t bring himself to forgive me because he’s just so damn sick of my screw ups that he just can’t take it anymore and he leaves.

Then I’d be all alone, and that…that cannot happen.

I shook myself out of the mental hole I just fell into and looked up slightly at Harry who was asleep too. How was he still sleeping even after a full night’s sleep? I smiled to myself as I noticed that the tired look was no longer washed across his face. He still looked quite frustrated though, and I can tell he has something weighing his mind down. Even in his sleep, there is a slight frown that seems to be plaguing him on his face.

I made an attempt to reach up and brush the curls out of his eyes, but his grip around me constricted my arms from doing much of anything. I settled on looking at his tattoos until he decided to wake up.

His wrist ones are probably the ones that make me laugh the most because they all have a quirky meaning. The zigzags representing the craziness of life and how it will always be going up and down, and how no matter what  _someone_ would be by his side to face it with him. I wish I knew who. The four-leafed clover represents how lucky he is to be where he is at today, although Niall swears up and down that it is actually about him. ‘Gome’ as he’d say.  I can’t forget the ‘99p’ one because it is absolutely hilarious. He says he got it because he wants to remember the times when the only things he could afford to buy on his own cost 99p. It’s a cute gesture, really.

My favorite one will always be one of the first tattoos he got. I manage to stretch my index finger up to his left bicep where I drew the word ‘hi’ in a sharpie so many months ago. We went to a tattoo parlor that night after a show and the tattoo artist drew right over it with his tattoo gun. I traced the letters over and over again with a soft touch so I wouldn’t wake him.

“What are you so damn giddy about?” Harry asked through a groggy haze. His eyes followed to where my finger was and he smiled stupidly. “Hi.” He said.

“Hi yourself. Sleep well?” I asked, not quite sure of what to say. Harry was now awake, but hadn’t let go of me. If anything, his grip had tightening since waking up.

He let out a tired moan in response. “What about you? Feeling any better?”

I hadn’t actually thought about my relationship status since waking up. How was I feeling?

Well, if I am being honest with myself, I feel fine. I’m happy at this very moment. Beyond content. I have a little bit of guilt building up in my stomach, but it has nothing to do with what I did to Eleanor and what I did last night. I have this guilt because I don’t feel bad, when I know I should. I feel guilty for  _not_  feeling guilty.

“Louis? Are you alright?” Harry’s question broke me out of my thought.

“Huh? Yeah. What was your question?” Clearly, I was completely lost in what was in my head.

“I asked if you were feeling any better. Are you?” His voice sounded very precautious, like he was expecting an answer that would cause an emotional break-down.

“Yep. I feel just fine. Thanks for asking.” He gave me a look that I knew meant he was questioning my sanity in his head.

I’m questioning it myself, too. I still am not sure how I am not feeling any remorse over this Eleanor thing.

Break-up. I need to call it a break-up because it isn’t just some ‘thing.’

Maybe I am still in a “Harry” haze. I think that’s why I enjoy being around him so often. He puts me into this trance where I want to do nothing but focus on his words and actions and just be engulfed by his presence. It makes me forget everything and not worry at all. I am not, however, forgetting the fact that this curly-haired boy underneath me still has his arms wrapped around me and now has his green eyes locked with mine, and shit, his mouth is moving but I haven’t the slightest idea as to what he is saying because I am thinking way to much again.

“Replay.”

“You can’t call replay on me when I have just basically recited an entire freaking novel to you with all I have said. That was basically the best damn pep talk you could have ever gotten.” Harry said with mock frustration.

“I know. I called replay because it was just so lovely I wanted to hear it again.” I tried to give him a cheeky smile, but he knew me to well.

“No, you called replay because you weren’t listening, you twat. Now come on and get up so we can grab some dinner.” His words were harsh, but the smile on his face and the way he said it indicated his intentions were good.

“Alright, alright, but I get to pick. No more of this Chinese take-away. I literally might die of MSG.” I said over dramatically to hopefully dissolve the worried look Harry still had on his face in regards to me.

“Madison Square Garden?” The fact that his confusion was so sincere made me literally laugh at him.

“No, no Hazza. Let’s get some food, come on.” Moments like this made me smile. The times when Harry falls into the category of a child and I am the adult and he just needs to be coddled into doing something or learning something. It makes me remember just how sweet and innocent this poor boy really is. I wave the thoughts aside as we grab our things and head for the door before I start to feel bad for him.

——————-

It’s always a funny thing when someone you know comes onto the radio. In this case it was Olly. His new single Troublemaker started coming out of the speakers of Harry’s Range Rover. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a class tune, but I’ve never really been one to sing along to the music of my friends. Harry on the other hand…

“Why does it feel so good but hurt so bad OH OH OH!”  He belted out as we drove back from the pizza parlor after picking up our dinner.

“Harry do you mind?” I asked with a mock tone of annoyance.

“Not at all!” With that, he proceeded to turn the song up and sing even louder, if that was possible. He flashed a cheeky grin at me that stirred something in the pit of my stomach. I rolled my eyes and succumbed to the song.

“I swear you’re giving me a heart attack, TROUBLEMAKER!” we nearly screamed as we pulled into the parking garage of our complex. It was nice being able to laugh all the way up the elevator and into the flat. It made me forget about my guilt of non-guilt dilemma.

“Let’s eat on the floor, Haz.” He looked up from the pizza sitting on the counter with slight confusion. “I wanna just do something different, that’s all.”

He shrugged in agreement and brought the box of pizza to the center of the living room while I pushed aside the coffee table and ottoman.  He then went and plugged in his iPod and just put it on shuffle and joined me on the floor.

We sat there for a moment getting our food situated in silence until Harry broke the silence.

“Mushrooms are pointless.” He said as he plucked them off his pizza.

“I thought you liked mushrooms?”

“I do. I just think they are a pointless addition to a pizza. They do absolutely nothing to add to the taste. If anything they are slimy and feel like a slug in your mouth.” His gaze never once broke from the pizza and I had to hold in my laughter because he seemed genuinely serious.

“Well,” I started, “you know what makes a slug better?” I proposed as I got up from the floor and headed to the kitchen.

“Hmm?”

“Salt of course.” I said matter-of-factly as I handed him the shaker of salt and sat back down. He then proceeded to smother the plate of freshly picked off mushrooms with salt.

“Bottoms up, then.” He said as he scooped up a handful and tossed them into his mouth. My mouth started watering and cringing at the thought of having that much salt in my mouth. Apparently his was doing the same because seconds later the floor and the entire box of pizza was covered in salty mushrooms and spit.

He looked up at me with his green eyes large and alarmed before his face contorted into crinkles as he laughed hysterically at what had become of the living room. He fell backwards and was now rolling on the floor holding onto his stomach because he was laughing so hard.

I couldn’t help but join him because seeing him in that state was enough to make even the grumpiest of people break out into a fit of giggles. His booming laughter echoed through the house accompanied with my constant stream of ‘ha-ha’s for several minutes until both of us were literally gasping for breath and crying from laughter.

Once our laughter was reduced to small chuckles here and there, I looked over at Harry who was laying on his back staring up at the ceiling fan watching it’s oscillations above us. His cheeks were completely flushed and a small vein on his temple was pulsing slightly from the amount of laughter that had just occurred.

“Thank you, Harry. I really needed this.” I told him, even though I needed it for a reason different than what he was thinking.

His head lazily turned over to meet my gaze. His face was stained with tears of laughter and his eyes were so bright from happiness. I felt that warm feeling in the pit of my stomach and a rush spread from my head to the very tips of my toes.  _I made him this happy._ I thought to myself. I could feel a stupid grin spread across my face, but I wasn’t even going to try and hold it back.

“Anything for you, Lou. I hate seeing you upset over something stupid like a girl. You deserve great things in your life and I won’t let anything stay in the way of that.” He said as his willed himself to stand up. “Come here and give me a hug before I go to sleep.” He said with open arms.

“You’ve slept for nearly the whole day, Harry!” I said jokingly as I stood up.

“Just get over here and hug me!” He turned his face up in pretend frustration while I got up and walked over to his arms.

It was a sweet embrace. It reminded me of all the hugs we would share during the X-Factor when we would find out we moved on to the next week. It reminded me of the hugs that we would give each other when we were so terribly homesick, but couldn’t go home. It reminded me of happiness and unconditional care and adoration and love.

I kissed him sweetly on the cheek and squeezed tighter around his shoulders. I could feel his cheeks growing warmer as a red tint spread across them. “Good night, Haz. I’ll see you in the morning.”

He stumbled over his words, but managed to bid me the same. I just smiled and dismissed myself to my bedroom and fell asleep, not once dreaming about Grease, or Eleanor, or the party. Just about Harry…and mushrooms. Oh boy.

————-

“Going out, Hazza?” I asked as Harry from the couch as searched frantically for his car keys in the kitchen.

“Yeah, I should have left five minutes ago, but I can’t find my damn keys!”  He said rather frustrated as he storming into the dining room, basically tearing it apart in his search.

I looked over at the far end of the sofa and next to his pizza plate last night sat his keys. I reached over and gave them a quick jingle. “Oh Harry! Look what I found.”

His head peaked out from the doorway of the dining room and his eyes lit up with relief. “Thank you!” He said as he charged forward to grab the keys swiftly and headed for the door. “I’ll be back after dinner, alright? See you then!” The door shut before I could say any word of agreement. I looked at my watch to check the time. It was only 3pm.

_Well, Lou, you’ve got about 5 hours to kill. What to do…_

I scanned around me for something to do, but the literal clutter of the house was distracting my thoughts. 

 _Oh no, I’m not going to clean the house twice in one week._ I thought as I tried to argue with the thought in my head to actually clean the house. Unfortunately, I couldn’t come up with a single thing to do that I could do instead of cleaning.

 I headed over to the sound system and turned on Harry’s iPod which was still sitting there from the night before and turned the volume all the way up while Candy Girl by Robbie Williams shook the house through the £2000 sound system that Zayn insist we purchase because our flat is the best for parties in comparison to the other three lads.

I cleaned through all of the dishes, the dining room, and even managed to get the grease stains out of the carpet from last night’s mushroom explosion.

“Surely that had to of killed some time.” I said aloud as I looked at the clock hanging above the television. It read 4:27pm. A wave of frustration rolled over me. It’s too late to make any plans before Harry comes home, so I am virtually stuck here. I’m most certainly not in the mood to go out and wander the streets because that would require me to wash up and get dressed and look presentable and that is just way too much hassle for me.

“To the bedrooms.” I sigh in defeat as I make my way to clean up the bedrooms. Mine was literally beyond repair. God bless Harry for cleaning up after me every week, because there is no way I would be able to put up with myself. Thus the reason why I generally tend to leave it in the state that it is in. I’m just too lazy to clean it. I flop onto my bed and decide what I should do for the next few hours.

I can hear Harry’s voice in the back of my mind beckoning the phrase that he always says to me, even though it has virtually no effect on me. “Clean your room Louis.”

“Ugh.” I sighed in defeat yet again and rolled myself off my bed until I landed on the floor…well, a pile of clothes that are where the floor should be. From there, I got to work.

—————

3 loads of laundry and two hours later, my room was finally cleaner than it had probably ever been. Harry would be impressed, though he probably won’t believe that I did it myself.

 _It would only be nice to clean Harry’s room as well, since he always does mine._  I pushed open his door only to find it virtually spotless.

_Why am I not surprised?_

In the corner of his room, there was a bunch of scattered pieces of paper as well as a shoe box and several empty envelopes. I began organizing all the papers and set them on the nightstand next to the small shoebox. One of the papers happened to catch my eye.

Written on the top of the paper in Harry’s scribbled hand writing were the words “Dear You.” I couldn’t help myself and my eyes scanned down the paper, briefly looking over the contents of this letter. It was rather short and just stated that the living room better be clean when he came out there or else the person who it was addressed to would be in harm. The letter was dated the day after the party.

_Was this to me?_

It must have been. I just laughed at it because I could literally hear him saying it to me. I shuffled to the next piece of paper. This one wasn’t as light.

This one was dated the day Harry went on the date with Eleanor’s friend, Melanie. It had to have been written after, though because I could feel how upset he was when he wrote this and I could see the stains where his tears had dried up on the paper. The last line of this letter sent a jolt of pain straight to my chest when I read it.

_It’s just sad, I guess. You know, me._

The line repeated itself over and over in my head, and I didn’t know what to do. How could he have been feeling like this and I not know? I felt terrible, but I continued through the letters to the next one. Everything in my head was screaming telling me to stop reading. These were obviously not meant for my eyes, but I couldn’t bring myself to stop. I put them in order and read them from the oldest to the most recent, which was dated today.

~*~

Dear You,

I can’t help what is going on. I want to feel bad and get you on another date to help you get over Eleanor, but I just can’t. I know it’s selfish, but I feel like you need me right now. Even if you don’t, I want you to need me.

I want to be the one who takes care of you and who makes you feel better. Last night, I looked at you and you were smiling like I hadn’t seen you smile in such a long time. I was ecstatic. Then I felt awful. I was ecstatic because I realized that I was the reason for that smile. I was the one making you happy. Then the guilt settled in because I was happier that I was making you happy instead of being happy that you were not being depressed about Eleanor.

The best kind of friend will be there to help you forget your problems…not being the cause of them.

Since I am the cause, that doesn’t make us friends. But if we aren’t friends, what are we?

-Me

~*~

“Louis, I’m back!” Harry yelled from the doorway. “I brought you something to eat, but please come eat it in the kitchen. I don’t want any more messes.”

I quickly shoved the letters back onto the floor and tried to make it look like I hadn’t touched them at all.

“Right, like the mushrooms were  _my_ fault.” I called back, tried to sound as inconspicuous as possible as I headed to the kitchen.

There was some Wagamama’s on the table counter and Harry was leaning up against the pantry texting furiously into his phone.

“What did you do all day?” He asked, slightly distracted.

“I cleaned the house.” I knew that would get a reaction from him.

“Bullshit.” He said with a grin on his face.

“I swear! Every single room. Cleaned to perfection. You’d be impressed.”

“How was your trip out?” I asked as I dove into the food, trying to forget the letter that I had just read.

“It was literally the worst. Wanna watch a movie or something? I just want to take my mind off of it and hang out with a normal best friend.” He said, turning his attention back to his phone.

“Sure thing, Harry. That’s what we do.” I said as I hopped up onto the counter and began eating.

There was a long silence before Harry looked up from his phone and spoke. “I’m sorry, can you say that again? I wasn’t paying attention.”

“I said, that’s what we do. Best friends help each other forget their problems.” The words came out before I could stop them and panic set in right after I said it.

“What did you say?” Harry’s eyes grew big as he recognized the words that I had just said.

I could feel the fear setting into my stomach and the guilt was washing over me and I didn’t know what to do. Maybe if I wasn’t so obvious, he wouldn’t have noticed it. Those letters were still running through my head and I couldn’t get my mind off them. I couldn’t even concentrate long enough to come up with an acceptable excuse to get myself out of the hole I’ve fallen in.

“I’m sorry ,” was all I could manage to say. I was literally frozen in shock that I had quoted one of his letters to him.

Harry didn’t say a single word to me for a long time. He just stared. His pink lips were pressed into a fine line and his jaw was clenched tighter than I had ever seen it. His body was standing ridged and stiff and I knew what was coming would be something I’d deserve.

“Well,” He finally said in a harsh tone that I had never heard before directed to me, “you’ve really outdone yourself this time, Louis.”

“What do you mean?” I asked as I slid off the counter to stand up in front of him.

“You. You’ve really screwed up this time. Good luck getting out of this one, because I promise you are going to have one hell of a time doing that.” With that, he walked calmly and silently to his bedroom. The silence was broken when he slammed his door shut.

I didn’t know what else to do. I felt myself crumble onto the floor and bring my knees close to my chest and I hugged them like Harry and I hugged last night, knowing that I wouldn’t get to feel that kind of embrace from him for a long, long time. 


	7. Chapter 7

I had to focus long and hard on the ceiling fan above me before I could finally calm down. I couldn’t even collect my thoughts and my stomach hurt so badly. Please don’t get me started on my head. It was pounding.

“Thank you, Harry. I really needed this.” Louis said. I could feel his gaze on the right side of my face. I willed myself to turn having used literally all my energy laughing at the fact that I had just sprayed him and our meal with a shower of mushrooms.

I smiled softly at him. I hadn’t felt this happy in such a long time. The buzz was coursing through me as I reciprocated the thanks and stood up, trying to regain some strength.

“Come here and give me a hug before I go to sleep.” I said after stabilizing myself. He stood there tentatively, and for a moment the back of my mind was screaming all the cowardly thoughts that I had managed to vanquish this night.

_That’s too much._

_He doesn’t want to hug you._

_He didn’t enjoy this at all._

_You aren’t strong enough for that._

“You’ve slept for nearly the whole day, Harry!” He said jokingly. The fears in my mind kept coming strong and fast.

_He’s making an excuse._

_Leave now._

“Just get over here and hug me!” I said in a mock frustrated tone in an effort to dismiss the thoughts in my head and to maintain the joking atmosphere.

The hug was different. It felt sickly familiar and it churned something low in my stomach. Not in the usual way contact does from him. It was nice. It reminded me of home and comfort. I felt like he had so much to say in his mind, but managed to translate it all through body language, and I understood every bit of it.

I hugged him back even more for all it was worth.

I felt his head move back slightly until his lips were parallel to my cheek. His hot breath was radiating over the expanse of skin and it took every ounce of me not to tense up. His lips pressed softly and briefly onto my cheek.

 _Pleasedontblushpleasedontblushpleasedontblush_ I chanted over and over in my head, but the smirk on Louis’ face said that my mantra wasn’t working.

 “Good night, Haz. I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Right, uh night to you too, Lou Lou.” I managed to stammer out.

To make matters worse, I walked straight into the dining room only to realize it wasn’t my bedroom, then having to awkwardly turn around and go into my room. I could feel Louis beaming from behind the door. That smirking bastard. God, I loved that kid.

I had a feeling it wouldn’t take me long to fall asleep. I could feel my eyelids already drooping as I brushed my teeth. By the time I got to my bed, I nearly collapsed into the comfort.

_If being exhausted from laughing with Louis felt this good, I can only imagine what it would feel like being exhausted from having hot-_

“UGH.” I groaned out loud at how far I had just let my mind wander.

——————————-

This was the first night in a while that I had gotten a peaceful night’s sleep. Sure, having a dream about getting one of your best mates off isn’t exactly ideal, but I was feeling quite numb and sort of in a happy lull of calmness that I didn’t feel like ruining. I rolled over and looked at my clock.

“SHIT!”  _Feeling ruined._

I scrambled out of bed realizing I only have an hour before I told Mikey I would meet him for coffee.

I quickly gathered my things and jumped into the shower. While in there, I made a mental note of what would be happening tonight. I just wanted to talk to him. I mean, he seemed nice, and I’m not one to say no to people in general.  _How bad can it be?_

I looked at my watch and realized I had some time to spare. I needed to get all these thoughts out of my head and onto paper. Not about Mikey, but about last night.

~*~

Dear You,

I can’t help what is going on. I want to feel bad and get you on another date to help you get over Eleanor, but I just can’t. I know it’s selfish, but I feel like you need me right now. Even if you don’t, I want you to need me.

I want to be the one who takes care of you and who makes you feel better. Last night, I looked at you and you were smiling like I hadn’t seen you smile in such a long time. I was ecstatic. Then I felt awful. I was ecstatic because I realized that I was the reason for that smile. I was the one making you happy. Then the guilt settled in because I was happier that I was making you happy instead of being happy that you were not being depressed about Eleanor.

The best kind of friend will be there to help you forget your problems…not being the cause of them.

Since I am the cause, that doesn’t make us friends. But if we aren’t friends, what are we?

-Me

~*~

I sighed in discontent, wishing I could just go back to sleep again and forget everything going on…actually, scratch that, sleeping means dreams of me and Louis getting…yeah, not going to go there…

I looked briefly at my watch to check how much time I had left.

_I seriously need to start planning more accordingly._

 “Going out, Hazza?” I heard Louis ask from the living room. I however, was running around the kitchen like a chicken with my head cut off looking for my car keys.

“Yeah, I should have left five minutes ago, but I can’t find my damn keys!” I managed to say amidst all the craziness. I’ll regret this mess I am making later, but I really had no time to spare.

_Mental pause: why was I in such a hurry to make it on time? Was this…thing….that important?_

 “Oh Harry! Look what I found.” Louis said, successfully pulling me from my thoughts. I heard a slight jingle of metal from the next room over. I poked my head through the doorway to look at him. Sure enough, he was dangling the keys nonchalantly in his hand while he continued to read something on his phone.

I charged at him full speed and grabbed the keys with a swift swing of my arm. “Thank you! I’ll be back after dinner, alright? See you then!”

——-

We were supposed to meet at 3:30pm at the coffee shop on the other side of town. It was already 3:35, but I couldn’t bring myself to get out of the car. Not until I could sort out my intentions of agreeing to this damned ‘date that wasn’t a date.’

“Alright,” I said, hoping by voicing my thoughts, I’d understand better, “you are just here to talk to him. Just talk about what ever. Nothing specific. This isn’t a date. This ISN’T A DATE.” I reiterated.

“You need advice. Maybe he can give you advice.” I proposed to myself.

I heard the clicking of metal to glass and was startled to see Mikey standing there with his own car keys to my window.

“Do you always talk to yourself, or is it just a onetime thing?” He asked with a smug grin.

“Oh shut it. Let’s go in, yeah?” I suggested, trying to keep as level headed as I could, but I was already sweating like a sinner in church.

We quickly ordered some drinks- tea for him, coffee for me- and sat down. Mikey stared at me from the other end of the small table with a wicked grin that had me twisting in my seat.

“Someone looks a bit fidgety. Calm down, will ya? You act like I’m gonna have sex with you on this very table.” He said as he blew the steam off his tea before drinking a bit.

I nearly choked on my coffee as he said his words. My chest burned from the coffee and I finally cleared my throat of the scalding coffee with several gruesome sounding coughs that could have rightfully outdone a Tuberculosis clinic.

“Kidding, mate. Calm down. Really. We’re just hanging out.” He said, smiling more sincere this time.

I took in a deep breath and willed myself to relax. “Okay. I can handle that. So…tell me about you?”

He set his tea down before beginning. “Well, I’m Mikey. I’m 19 years old, and I’m gay. That’s about it.”

“Obviously, you prick. What else.”  I guess I hadn’t relaxed all the way.

“Feisty, aren’t we? Alright. I live about a block and a half north of here. I work at the ASOS down the road about 5 kilometers that way. I like a good cup of tea and love watching ‘Love, Actually.’ I can literally sleep for days, but I love to rough about with my mates back home in Sheffield. Oh, and please don’t get offended if I take the mick. I can’t help it sometimes. It’s just in my nature. No harm intended.” Mikey stared at me for a bit longer as I took in everything he said.

I was taking it in alright. It was seeping deep, too. I’m hoping and praying that this is just me over reacting and being the over-analytical person that I am, but we had literally everything in common with the exception of working at ASOS.

_And being gay. I was definitely NOT that._

“What about you, hotshot? Please tell me who I am having the extreme pleasure of spending the afternoon with.” He batted his unnaturally long eyelashes at me and waved a hand encouraging me to begin.

“Okay…well I’m Harry from around Cheshire. I’m in a band. I kip with Louis who’s in the band also. I like being social, but it takes me awhile to come around to certain people. Those are generally the ones that I know will be a close mate in the future. I like that move too.” As I said all this, my volume started to decrease, as did my confidence as I started thinking about all the similarities between Mikey and I.

”What are you thinking about?” He asked, breaking the silence and my train of thought.

Slightly caught off-guard I responded with a quick “nothing.” Unfortunately, it came out more defensive than anything.

“Alright, and I am as straight as Joe fucking McElderry. Now what’s going on in that curly brain of yours?” He seemed genuinely sincere about it.

_It couldn’t hurt to tell him what’s going on. I mean, we barely know each other, so he wouldn’t judge me. Just to be safe, I’ll change it up a bit. Gender neutral. No names._

“Alright so, I think…I think I may be developing feelings for someone, but I don’t think they feel the same way. Even more so, I keep, like, pushing the boundaries with them and I always end up feeling awful about it after because I don’t think it’s what they want.” I sighed after I said it and dropped my chin into the palm of my hand. I wasn’t lying because that’s exactly what is going on. I just didn’t mention any names.

He pondered what I said for a moment before responding. “Why don’t you just tell him how you feel?”

_Himhimhimhimhimhimhimhimhimhim_

“Excuse me?” I managed to get out, nearly choking for the second time since I have been here. I had to have been hearing things. He didn’t say that, did he?

“I said, why don’t you just tell them how you feel? What’d you think I said?” He asked curiously. _Almost_  completely hiding the smirk on his face.

_He did say it, the little prick._

I disregarded the tag question and answered the first one. “Because I don’t think I should like them. I know I shouldn’t. It wouldn’t be a healthy relationship. I’d just be pining over them, but never have the feelings returned. Plus, if I am being honest, I don’t think I want to hear the answer if I tell them how I feel.”

“Hmm,” Mikey said, stroking his chin in a pseudo-philosophical way, “seems logical…you know, if you are planning on being single for the rest of your life.”

“You asked. I didn’t ask for anything in return.” I said, annoyed with his response.

“Okay, well for what it’s worth, I’m pretty sure they would feel the same about you. You just haven’t gotten to know that side yet.” His words engaged me slightly.

“What do you mean?” I said, leaning forward slightly with interest.

“I mean, you don’t know everything about a person. You know as much as they let on. Even if you think you know all about them, I promise there is still something more to learn. So, with this…person… you are talking about, you just haven’t seen the side of them that may be interested in you because you haven’t put yourself into a situation long enough to trigger it. Get what I mean?”

_I did. I got it completely. Was yesterday enough to trigger it? I mean, he did act different last night after we had pizza. It was a side of him that I hadn’t seen before. More carefree and open and vulnerable, but in a good way._

“You’re doing it again.” Mikey said as he tossed a sugar packet at my head to focus me on what was going on.

“Doing what?” I demanded.

“Thinking. You do that far too much. Stress and worry will ruin that pretty little boy band face of yours, Curly.” He said as he extended a hand and rubbed it under my chin pretentiously.

In that moment, I felt a surge of emotion wash over me. It was anger, and it was all directed towards Mikey for some reason. Just the thought that he felt he knew me well enough to decide that I think too much and to think he could jokingly be condescending towards me  made me beyond irritated. It was the nickname that did it.  _Curly._ That was something that only Louis called me, and he hadn’t in such a long time. Not since Eleanor came into the picture. Mikey had no right to call me that. We’ve known each other two days.

“I don’t know who you think you are, Mikey, but let me get something straight with yo-“

“Can’t be that straight, mate.” He interrupted.

“Fuck off. I’m done. Thanks for coffee.” I grabbed up my coat and coffee, but Mikey’s hand latched onto mine to keep me at the table.

“I was just leaving.” He said as he got up and headed for the door.

“Oh  _Curly,_ ” Mikey called back to me as he was about to walk out, emphasizing the nickname. I cringed and met his gaze.

“What?”

“He feels the same. So don’t sweat it too much.” He followed it with a small wink and headed out the door.

I was too stunned to do anything. Mikey had no idea what he was talking about. He knew neither of us. What the hell was he going on about? I knew this was a bad idea. I should have just stayed home.

—————-

My grip hadn’t loosened on the steering wheel as I drove over to Wagamama’s to pick up the take away order I had placed to bring back home.

All I wanted to do was forget about this awful evening and get rid of the thought that Mikey had placed in my head.

I sat in the parking garage of our complex just staring at the cement pillar in front of my car. I didn’t want to get out yet. Not until I was fully calmed down from the coffee shop disaster. To be honest, I don’t know why it’s nagging at me so much. My brain was racing and I couldn’t get it to stop. Was there any truth to what Mikey said? Did he really think Louis felt the same way? Why did he think that I was referring to Louis in the first place?

“Give yourself a fucking break, Styles.” I said as a slammed my forehead down to my steering wheel. This was all too much.

I grabbed the Wagamama’s receipt and searched around in the glove compartment for a pen.

~*~

Dear You,

I don’t know what to believe right now. Every time I think of Mikey’s advice, I feel sick. The fear of rejection is like a flashing light warning me to get away as quickly as possible. I feel like that would undoubtedly be the result if I were to say anything.

On the other hand, hearing Mikey say that you feel the same literally sends my head in a complete tizzy. I get that warm feeling in the pit of my stomach and my nerves calm at once.

I don’t even know this guy and I’m letting his words settle my anxiety. Why did it seem so damn convincing coming from him?

I wish I knew what to do, right now. I hate feeling like this.

I’m not supposed to…swing that way… I know there is already a lot wrong with me, and that would just be the proverbial icing on the fucking “Harry screws things up” cake.

I’m not gay. I just love you.

-Me

~*~

I had to cut the letter short because the receipt wasn’t long enough for a proper letter. The last sentence was probably more blunt than it needed to be, but it encompassed my thoughts well enough for me to be satisfied with the letter and get out of the car.

——-

By the time I got to the door, I had managed to work up enough happiness to seem convincing. “Louis, I’m back and I brought you something to eat! But please come eat it in the kitchen. I don’t want any more messes.”

Louis strolled out from the hallway and into the kitchen. “Right, like the mushrooms were  _my_ fault.”

 **My phone buzzed several times. [4] New Text Messages** : ‘the guy who won’t take no’

I groaned internally as I willed myself to read them.

“Text me back when u get this so I know u haven’t gone mad & murdered Ur poor kip mate because u realized that we looked alike and all Ur anger 4 me just exploded onto him xx”

“Harry Potter, I solemnly swear not to call u Curly anymore :)”

“Sorry, I told u ahead of time that I can be a bit crude sometimes.”

“Hey, don’t be man, mate. It was just good fun.”

I opened up a new text message and started replying back.

“Harry Potter…haven’t heard that one before. I haven’t killed him, he’s just fine. You look nothing like him , twat.”

I heard Louis walk in sometime during my angry text composition.

 “What did you do all day?” I asked as I tried to type at the same time.

“I cleaned the house,” he said very matter-of-factly.

“Bullshit.” I said in slight disbelief, with a grin on my face.

“I swear! Every single room. Cleaned to perfection. You’d be impressed…How was your trip out?” Louis managed to ask in between shoveling noodles into his mouth.

“It was literally the worst. Wanna watch a movie or something? I just want to take my mind off of it and hang out with a normal best friend.” My phone buzzed again, from Mikey.

“I might just call u hothead from now on. Shit that is some temper you got there. Denial is always the first step…or was it acceptance? We’re talking cuz ur an alcoholic right?”

I rolled my eyes at the text message. I really was not up for playing his pissing game anymore.

I looked up and saw that Louis was now sitting on the counter and staring at me expectantly. “I’m sorry, can you say that again? I wasn’t paying attention.”

He looked down at his food and became slightly pre-occupied with scooping up his next bite while he talked. “I said, that’s what we do. Best friends help each other forget their problems.”

The moment he said it, I felt my chest start to pound. I knew those words. They were all too familiar. “What did you say?”

I could feel fear sinking into my stomach. It was the gut-wrenching, anxiety type of fear that mixed potently with dread. I stared at Louis waiting for him to repeat what he said and hoping in the back of my mind that I had just imagined him saying that.

 “I’m sorry.” Was all he said to me.

He said an exact line from this morning’s letter. He cleaned the house today. He even emphasized it was the whole house.

A sick feeling hit my stomach and I felt like the wind had just been knocked out of me. I felt like I had just watched someone kick a puppy. I was afraid and shocked, but most of all hurt. I didn’t know what to do.

All the anger came back. Everything that I had directed at Mikey today was now about to hit Louis straight in the face, and I wasn’t even sorry for it. He deserved what was coming.

I straightened myself out against the counter and started, “well, you’ve really outdone yourself this time, Louis.” He flinched slightly at the harshness of my words.

He was now standing before me with a slight quiver in his lip. “What do you mean?”

I was biting back hot, angry tears as the words came out of my mouth. “You. You’ve really screwed up this time. Good luck getting out of this one, because I promise you are going to have one hell of a time doing that.” I could barely keep it together any longer, so I left straight to my room and slammed the door.

I wouldn’t call the tears coming from my face ‘crying’ because that wasn’t what I was doing. At least, it didn’t feel like it. I had never felt this way in the few number of times that I had ever cried. There was a sickening feeling in my stomach that made me feel like I would be sick. I found myself pacing back and forth across my room trying to sort out what had just happened. My hands were knotted deeply into my curls when the shoebox in the corner caught my eye.

I walked over and sat with my back against the bed and reached for the shoebox containing all of my letters. I heard a slight crunch of paper in my pocket and went to fish it out. It was the Wagamama’s receipt with the new letter on it. The only thing I saw were my words at the very bottom of the page.

_I’m not gay. I just love you._

I crumpled the receipt and threw it as hard as I could away from me. That sentence was as far from the truth as it could possibly be now.

I heard a choked sob from the kitchen and I dropped my head in between my knees.

Droplets began falling onto the floor between my feet which I had pulled up as close as I could to me.

 _These are crying tears_ I thought to myself as I made no effort to stop them, but instead let them come out even harder.


	8. Chapter 8

“I really need to talk to you.” I said with urgency. I was desperate.

“No. Louis, please just leave me alone.”

“Just give me five minutes and I can explain.” I hated to beg, but I needed the truth to be heard.

“Fine, what? What do you have to say for yourself? If It’s an apology, just please don’t. I don’t want to hear it. I can’t take it anymore, Louis. So please, just spare me that much.” The voice on the other end of the line shook with pain and emotion. I did this. This is my entire fault.

“Then I won’t apologize. I do need to explain. I owe you at least that much.” I took in a deep breath as I listened to the silence on the other end of the phone. “Alright. That night, I…I was drunk, and you know that. I wasn’t drunk enough to mean what I said to you. I don’t know why I did. You know how I feel about you. Eleanor, I have loved you from the moment I saw you.” I could feel my voice cracking. My heart was breaking.

“Then why did you do it Louis. Why did you cheat? With one of my friends no less?” Her voice was shattered. My chest hurt.

 I look up and stare at the ceiling of the wardrobe in my room trying to keep back the tears that I knew would come.  I haven’t seen Harry since last night. He hasn’t left his room. So I am here…In my wardrobe because I am ashamed of what I did. My stomach ached with pain and anger.

_How could I have been so stupid?_

“Louis? Why?” Eleanor’s voice broke my heart even more.

“I…I don’t know. I couldn’t help myself. I’m not as strong as you think I am. I’m different, Eleanor.” I could feel the tears burning down my face, but I ignored it. I wanted to keep talking and explaining, but Eleanor stopped me.

“Louis, honey. I know. You are very different.  It’s a good different. I understand. I really do.” I heard her sigh heavily, “Which is why I am not mad at you. I’m not going to question why you told me what you did. You have your reasons and I will continue to believe that it was the alcohol that made you say that. You need help though, Louis. Not the kind of help I can give to you. You need to work this out yourself. Talk to him, Louis. Please.” Her voice wasn’t mean or upset. It was actually filled with care. She knows what she is telling me. She means it all.

“Eleanor. I love you. More than you will ever know. I am so sorry for everything.”

“I love you too Louis, more than you will allow. Just call him and talk to him. He’ll want to help. Just…promise me you won’t be afraid anymore?” She was pleading now.

I let out a heartbroken sigh mixed with a soft sob of my realization. “Alright. I promise. Goodbye Eleanor. Thank you.” It was a solemn goodbye and very bittersweet.

I rested my head against the back of the wardrobe for a solid twenty minutes trying to work up the courage to scroll through my contacts. My head was reeling and I could still feel the tears coming down my face.

_How did I get myself into this mess? All I wanted was a party. Now I’ve lost Harry and Eleanor._

If I call him, there is a chance we can fix things and things could be better…but there is also a chance that I may be stuck knowing something that I don’t want to know and have nobody to help me with it.

“This is exactly why I can’t be alone.” I said aloud, slamming my head against the wall again in defeat. I reached a shaky hand into my pocket and pulled my cell phone. So much of my life and future was relying on this phone call. I think much more then I actually realize is depending on this.

I scroll down the letters until my phone highlights the name that I am searching for.

 _Here goes nothing._ I think to myself as I press the green button that serves as my literal gateway to my future.

After a few rings, my party answers.

“Louis ‘the Tommo’ Tomlinson! Fancy you calling me. What are you doing, mate?” The voice made me cringe and smile all at the same time. Mixed emotions to the maximum.

“I need to talk to you. I really need some help. Can we go meet somewhere? Please?” I felt almost embarrassed to be talking about this, but I needed some answers and a little bit of guidance.

“Anything for you. I know a great coffee shop we can meet at not too far from where I live. I’ll meet you there when I get off work, alright?” There was something almost soothing in their tone. It relaxed me a little from all the stress that had been loaded onto me over the past few days.

“Alright. I’ll see you then, Mikey.”

————-

_Dear You,_

_How could you do this to me? I trusted you._

_-Me_

_~*~_

_Dear You,_

_The feelings I’d get in my stomach are gone._

_Hate is a strong word to use, but I feel it inside now._

_-Me_

_~*~_

_Dear You,_

_Well, you’ve cured me. I’m not lovesick anymore._

_Unfortunately, I can’t feel anything at all, either._

_-Me_

_~*~_

Pages and pages of letters were scattered all over my desk and floor. I had gone through an entire legal pad writing letter after letter to Louis.

I’m not sure what time I fell asleep. I know I woke up around 9 this morning. I apparently hadn’t made much of an effort to move from the ground. I was still there, surrounded by shreds of some of the letters.

When I woke up and saw them in scraps, I started to panic and made an effort to tape them all back together. They were the only things that knew of my true feelings, after-all. That’s when I found the Wagamama’s receipt. Then I remembered exactly why I was on the floor and exactly why the letters were torn up in the first place.

I think feeling the pain a second time around is better than the first. It’s more of a dull, throbbing jolt instead of the initial ‘slam you into a brick wall’ impact from last night.

I can’t quite bring myself to kick the letter habit, though. I’m alone now. I really don’t have anyone to talk to. Anyone who knows the whole story anyways. I wouldn’t want to share it. It’s my burden to bear, and I plan on keeping it that way…at least I had planned to.

So, now I am here, lying on my bedroom floor, staring up at the ceiling fan as it slowly spins above my head.

Maybe, if I am lucky enough, the fan will just fall down and crush my brains in. I won’t be stuck with this feeling anymore.

I don’t even know what to call this feeling. Is it shame? I mean, I am terribly ashamed that I feel the way I do. I wasn’t ashamed until last night. I knew it was wrong for me to think it was okay to like Louis.

There is definitely a heavy dose of embarrassment in this cesspit of feelings.

I think most of all, it’s just hurt. I hurt all over.

Physically, my chest hurts from the situation as a whole. My throat and eyes hurt from crying last night. My hand hurts from writing so many damn letters. My stomach hurts from the feeling of constantly wanting to throw up at the thought of Louis reading my letters.

_If he thought there was something wrong with me before, it’s pretty much confirmed now._

I’m tired. All I want to do is sleep. I just want to escape all of these feelings I have so I don’t have to think about them anymore.

 _Spin, spin, spin, spin, spin._ My eyes follow the fan blades around in a continuous cycle.

I roll over on to my side and grab the last sheet off the legal pad and start a new letter.

~*~

Dear You,

We’re like a fan, aren’t we?

It’s like I am sitting on the edge of one and you are on the edge of the blade in front of me. No matter how many times we go around, I’ll never get any closer.

I’d like to think that if we’d go faster, I’d be able to catch up, but that proved me wrong also. I’ve just fallen off, and you are there, looking down at me while I fall. You are unsure if you should do something to help me, or if you should just let me go.

Do me a favor, Louis. Fall with me. Please.

-Me

~*~

I didn’t want to see him, and so I waited until I heard the front door shut for me to leave the privacy (well, not so private anymore) comfort of my bedroom.

I walked, quite hesitantly, to his bedroom door across the hall. I peeked in to make sure he really was gone.

For a brief moment, I found myself grinning stupidly to myself as I saw that his room was somehow a complete mess again. Then I glanced up at his big, empty and unmade bed. The place where we had been lying only two days ago. I shook the smile and thought off of my body and went into the room. I folded the letter in half and placed it on his nightstand.

I sat down on the side of his bed and stared at the letter for a while. I’m not sure why I wrote it, but I just want him to read it. It’s something he needs to hear. The side of me that isn’t feeling some array of negative emotion towards him (that is a small fraction of me) still loves him and is silently happy that he found the notes and letters. It means I can stop hiding. Everything is out there now and I don’t have to pretend anymore.

Unfortunately, good things do not happen to me and I always just end up on the wrong side of happiness.

To be honest, he probably won’t notice the letter is even there for a few days.

————-

I walked into the coffee shop a little after 4pm, knowing Mikey would already be there. His entire life functions within a block or two of this place anyways…or so Eleanor told me.

After a couple of seconds, I spot him sitting in the very back corner of the room. I mentally thank him for the privacy his secluded spot has granted us.

“Take a seat, Louis. How are you?” He was genuinely curious as to how I was, so I felt I owed him a genuine answer.

_As a side note, I seem to feel in-debt to a lot people lately…_

“Well, that is just the reason I came to see you. I…uh…I need your help.”

He gave me a curious smile and tilted his head slightly before gesturing me to go on.

“Alright, well I need to know something about the party the other night.” My gaze had fallen to the sugar packet he was toying with in his hands. I couldn’t bring myself to make eye contact with him because this entire subject was too much for me to handle.

“I’ll tell you what ever you’d like to know.” He offered.

“Okay…why did I kiss you that night?” There was no response after I asked. After a few moments, I looked up to him and opened my eyes, unsure of when I had even closed them, and met his eyes waiting for an answer.

Very seriously, he settled his chin in both of his hands and sighed loudly before giving me a response, “that isn’t something I can answer.”

“Can you say you came onto me? That you pressured me into it? That I was drugged and didn’t know what I was doing?” I restrained myself from sounding too pleading.

“I can, but there would be no point in that.” His matter-of-fact tone was disheartening to say the least.

“It would relieve my conscience. I wouldn’t feel like there is something…something…” I struggled to find the proper word, but Mikey obviously knew what I meant.

“Wrong,” he finished, “wrong with you. Right? Well, it may take away some of the stress, but you’d be lying to yourself, and there is no use in that. Trust me. I’ve gone down that road, Louis. You can’t live your life like that. It isn’t healthy.”

“But I’d be happy!” I shot back quickly. I may have slammed my hands down onto the table and it may have been a little louder than intended.

“Would you be?” His collected tone ended my thoughts full-stop. Would I really be happy if I lied to myself constantly?

“Your silence and that look on your face is all the answer I needed.” Mikey said, relaxing back into the chair he was sitting in. “So let me ask you one question. It’s nothing invading, I promise.”

I nodded in acceptance for him to continue.

“What are you so afraid of? Why are you running from it?” He wasn’t asking in a critical way, but more of a friendly way. I hardly thought of him as a friend given the fact that our past extended over the last 72 hours. It was a trying gesture, though.

“Rejection. Denial. Hurt. Disappointment. Anger. Opinions…I mean, the list could really go on. I don’t want to be considered as anything. Why can’t I just be me?” I sighed in discontent.

Mikey stared for a moment, reflecting over all I had just said. “Opinions? Why opinions?”

“I’m seen by a lot of people. I don’t want to know what they make think about me.”

“Louis, I’ve been in your shoes. I’m going to tell you all about a guy in the span of two minutes. Are you ready?” He didn’t give me any time to object or agree, he just pushed on the moment I made eye contact with him.

“He is outgoing, and adventurous and spontaneous and is never afraid to speak his mind. He is the life of the party and the best source of fun no matter what he is doing…still with me?” I gave him a slight nod that was mixed with confusion.

“Alright, so underneath all that, is this poor guy who is just really confused about everything. He isn’t sure what he wants in life. He’s just going with whatever is happening. Worst of all, he is a basically a human puppet. He does what he told to do, act the way he is instructed to, wears the clothes people give to him. He doesn’t want to object to any of this. Why? Because he is scared. He is scared because at one point during all of this, he had a moment where he tried to figure out who he is in life. And truth be told he did it. He figured out who he is. It scared the hell out of him though. The person he saw was nothing like everyone had designed him to be. It was different and unique and so far from cookie cutter. He was always taught to fear different. So that is what he did. And that is where he is now. He knows who he is, and he is afraid of it, when he should be embracing it. There is nothing wrong with who you are.”

I stared at him in complete shock. I have never felt so vulnerable in my entire life to a virtual stranger.

“H-h-how do you know all that about me?” I managed to get out after my initial shock subsided.

“Who said this story was about you?” He gave a small wink and smiled at me.

I felt the blood rush up to my cheeks in pure embarrassment. “Oh, right. Sorry.”

“It’s fine. I’m gonna go, but just try and figure out who you are before you get anyone else involved. They could get hurt in the process, and I’d hate to see that happen to him.” Mikey said as he moved to stand up from the table.

I swallowed heavily at his words. “To who?” I felt that panicky feeling in my stomach and my throat felt like it was closing in.

He looked up at me with a coy smile similar to the one before. “Hmm? Oh, nobody. Just promise me that alright?”

He extended his hand out as he offered a promissory handshake. I met it with a shaky hand. He held onto it and brought my attention from our hands to each other’s face.

“Word of advice. Don’t ever make a promise with someone who may not keep it. You need to keep this, alright? Trust me.” Mikey shook our hands up and down a few times before releasing my hand.

As we walked out to my car, Mikey bid his farewell. “It was really great seeing you. No hard feelings about that night, right?”

I had completely forgotten the entire pretense of our acquaintance in the first place, and his comment took me by surprise.

“Hey, just do me a favor and don’t beat yourself up over Eleanor. I know my girl. She’s strong and will make it through this. I’ll get her happy again; just focus on yourself, alright? She isn’t mad; though I am sure you know that.” The fact that he truly knew so much amazed me.

“Alright. Just take care of her. Please…”There was more pleading in my tone than I intended, but it was truly how it should be said.

“I will. Go on home.” I got into the car and waved to him in adieu.  He knocked quickly on the glass next to me. “Oh, and Louis?”

I rolled down my window for him to speak. “Yeah?”

“Think about what I said, alright? Let me know if you need any more help. Take care.” He reached a hand through the open window and ruffled my hair a bit. I smiled curtly and got situated in the car…Harry’s car, actually.

I decided to take the long route home so I could think about everything that had transpired today. I replayed everything he said at least a dozen times. The more I said it in my head, the more I began to understand what he meant. Even more so, the more I began to accept it as the truth of me.

My mind drifted to one of the last things he said. I couldn’t shake it out of my brain no matter how many times I tried.

“Don’t ever make a promise with someone who may not keep it.” I said aloud, trying to mimic Mikey’s voice as best as I possibly could.

You know that moment in a cartoon when the little mouse is running away from the cat and the cat gets to the point where he has no plan what-so-ever on how to catch the mouse, but then suddenly a little light bulb goes off above his head and you see the inside of his brain and all the gears in there start working and turning and everything just makes sense? That’s what just happened.

It may have been two nights ago and I may have been half asleep, but I remember the exchange as clear as anything.

_Promise you won’t ever leave me. Like, no matter what stupid and crazy things I do, promise that you won’t walk away from what we have?_

_I Promise, Lou._


	9. Chapter 9

It’s been almost a week since I cleaned the house, and in addition, read the letters…I guess the ‘cleaning the house’ part doesn’t serve any relevance, but it’s a major milestone that I am proud of, so It’s being duly noted.

It’s also been almost a week since I came home from talking to Mikey and found a yellow sheet of legal paper folded in half on my night stand. In the last week, I must have read that letter nearly a thousand times just trying to wrap my head around it.

The first time I read it, my chest physically hurt and I thought I might throw up. It pained me to read it because, aside from the elusive dried tear droplets smudging the blue lines, there were obvious amounts of emotion and his own pain put into this letter. He’s been struggling so much and I hadn’t even given it much thought…not in the way I should have been.

I can’t sleep most nights, though I know he can’t either. Though, for him, I don’t think it’s a case of _can’t_ but more that he  _won’t._  He’s been out so late every single night. He just doesn’t come home until the early hours of the morning. I wouldn’t even know that if it weren’t for this damn case of insomnia I have contracted from the letter that was  _actually_  meant to be seen by me. The simple lines of it plague my thoughts during all hours of the day, and I don’t sleep until I have virtually driven myself to the point of exhaustion from fretting so much.

 _Fall with me, fall with me, fall with me, fall with me, fall with me._ It’s like a fucking merry-go-round in my head that I can’t get off of. It just keeps going around over and over again reminding me of how difficult these things that Harry’s feeling—that I am feeling too…possibly…maybe?—and how he can’t—we can’t?—cope with them properly until we address the situation ourselves first and then with each other. I still want to help him, but I can’t help until I solve my own problems first, and that won’t happen unless it’s accompanied by some serious forms of liquid encouragements…and maybe a pair of balls.

 _Paradise_ by Coldplay started playing from my phone and broke me out of my thoughts.

“Hello?” My voice cracked slightly from having not talked to anyone in several hours.

“Hey, it’s Liam. Is everything alright over there?” Here he goes playing his ‘mollycoddle’ card on us.

“Yeah, yeah it’s fine. Why do you ask?” I hated lying to Liam, but there are certain things that I can take care of on my own.

“Uhm, well because I currently have a completely wasted and passed out Harry on my couch…like this puts the phrase ‘shit-faced’ to shame. Now, he only drinks like this for two reasons. One, he’s buzzing over some crazy good news or two…”

I swallowed because I knew what was coming. I knew for a fact we hadn’t had anything worth seriously celebrating in weeks, especially not to the extent of his current alcohol level.

“…he’s trying to forget something. Seeing as how he walked in here at half four this morning and is still asleep at half three in the afternoon, combined with the fact that his sleep/passed out face looks more like a troubling grimace than anything, I am going to assume it was the second option that did him in. Now tell me, Louis, is everything alright over there?” Liam’s voice stayed level and even the entire time, but his paternal instincts were causing a slight waver of concern to plague his voice that wouldn’t have been noticed by someone who wasn’t basically a brother to him.

I let out a heavy sigh before I told him everything that had been going on…with a few voids here and there. I didn’t mention the part about what his letters had said and why the actual content has me more worried than the current state of our friendship. I didn’t mention anything about the letter on my nightstand either. Again, I want to tell Liam the truth, but I want to fight my battles on my own, no matter how difficult it will be.

There was a long silence that started to fester into anxiety for me. It wasn’t until what seemed like an hour before Liam said anything at all. “Wow.”

“Are you fucking kidding me, Liam? I just told you so much and all you have to say is ‘wow’?!” Alright, so I may have escalated my reaction slightly, but I want some actual thought.

“Alright, it’s just…okay, don’t overestimate Harry’s strength. Don’t over estimate yours either. You are both strong, but from experience, not as strong as you think you are. You need each other. You can’t do this on your own, Louis, and he can’t either.”

I let out a slight ‘humph’ of disagreement. Stubbornness comes second nature to me, especially when my ability to do something is in discussion. Harry’s name flashed into my mind and I realized that this isn’t just me. He’s stubborn too, and I can’t let him fall.

_Fall with me, fall with me, fall with me, fall wit-_

“Ugh!”

“Okay, okay, listen,” Liam said, “this can go one of two ways.  I need you to talk to him. He’s not right, at the moment, mate. He’s headed south fast. By the looks of him right now, this is not the only time this has happened this week. He needs someone. He needs you. Don’t be selfish about this…for his sake.” He threw in that last bit at the end as almost an afterthought, but he meant it nevertheless.

We disconnected and I went into the living room to figure out what I was going to do. Liam was right. I needed to do something. I have been being rather selfish about this whole…thing….whatever it may be. I’ve seen what has been going on for weeks, but I am just now taking the time to piece it all together. I’ve been so focused on my own troubles and fears—mostly fears—that I haven’t even thought twice about what my younger counterpart is dealing with. If it’s anything similar, he’s got to be so lost up there in that curly head of his.

I was lying in my bed when I heard the front door open.

“Go take a shower and relax. No going out tonight, Harry. You need to sleep.” Typical Liam.

“Yeah, alright. Thanks for the ride, Li. I appreciate it a lot.”  Harry’s voice sounded tired and raspy no doubt from the copious amounts of alcohol he’s been indulging upon, but the gratitude was very much present.

He shuffled through the house, feet dragging heavily to his bedroom to grab his belongings and head to the bathroom. This one was going to be a long shot, and I know I am going to get hell for it after, but it’s going to have to work.

I heard the bathroom door shut and the water start to run. I waited a few minutes to make sure he was settled in the shower when I made my escape from my bedroom to enact my “Operation: String Repair” plan.

_Note to self: don’t watch 007 movies anymore. Your imagination is already wild enough as it is._

The bathroom door sat at the end of the hall of our bedrooms. I walked over with the key component of my plan and began setting up. Lucky for me, the bathroom door swings inward, so by tying a string to his door and then to my door on the perpendicular wall, he’ll be stuck in there, even if he unlocks the door. I went into the kitchen and grabbed a chair for me to sit in outside of the door.

_Sure, it was a terrible idea, and sure, I feel a tad creepy sitting outside of the bathroom door while Harry is on the other side, completely naked  taking a shower; water running over his wonderfully toned bod-_

“Oh for fuck’s sake Louis!” I cursed at myself as I tried to picture anything and everything that could make the slight tent in my pants disappear and the ever-prominent rose tint dissipate from my cheeks.

Thank God for adrenaline and nerves. The water shut off and I immediately snapped out of it. There was some shuffling around in the bathroom as Harry made some attempt at getting dressed from what I assume.

The click of the lock un-did itself and the door pulled open. Only it didn’t, much to Harry’s dismay. He continued to pull on it, but he could not get it open. I smiled slightly to myself at the picture of him on the other side, trying to get the door to open to no avail.

———-

 _Okay, don’t call Louis. You can do this. It’s just a jammed door._ I tried to convince myself of these things as I pulled harder and harder on the door that was blocking me.

 _How much does a door cost?_ I thought briefly as I lined myself to bust it down. I took a few steps back and then go towards it with a considerable amount of force, slamming into it with my left shoulder and side. Nothing happened.

 _One more time_ I thought to myself as I repeated the exact same action.

“You’re gonna break it.” Louis’ voice said from the outside of the door. For a moment, I toyed with the idea of that actually being worth it instead of asking for his help, but thought against it and gave in.

“Can you open the door, Louis?” I asked, biting back any additional comments that were deadest on making an appearance. None of which would have made any woman faint at such language.

“No.” He said calmly. He must be joking.

“Excuse me?”

“I said no. Not until you listen to what I have to say.” I had never heard Louis so serious in my life. I would have taken more time to relish in the anomaly, but at the current moment, I was cold, wet and angry as a bat out of hell.

“Are you fucking kidding me?!” My fists made contact with the door, sending an unsettling rumble through both the bathroom and the hall way.

“Just hear me out.” His voice shifted to a slightly pleading tone, but he fought to keep his composure.

“Do I really have a choice?” I spit out sharply.

“No.” He stated simply.

“Just know that when I get out of here, I fully plan on killing you myself with no remorse.” I slid down the wall until I could sit with my back and head resting against the door.

“I’m listening.” I offered up.

———

_Shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit I finally have him in a position to listen and I don’t know what to do._

I let out a shaky breath in hopes of calming my nerves. I wasn’t exactly sure what I was going to say, and I had absolutely no clue as to where this conversation would go. I guess there is only one way to find out…

“Alright, let me just start off with telling you that I get what you’re feeling; the pressure, the confusion…I get it.”  _Well that’s a great way to start off, I think?_

I could have sworn I heard him say “do you?” so I addressed it anyways.

“I do. It’s a lot to handle, and I know you are really overwhelmed with all of this…this, emotion, or feeling or whatever the fuck it is, but I’m not going to let you face it alone.” I ran a slightly trembling hand through my wisp-y hair which now felt like a ton of bricks weighing down my head. I rested my forehead in the palm of one of my hands and balanced that on my knee. My other hand nervously tapped my middle finger and thumb together. It was a terrible and annoying habit that I developed when I was much younger and has unfortunately followed me into my adult years. It always serves as a reminder that a part of me is still a child, and that just does  _loads_ for my self-esteem.

I had been so consumed in my thoughts that I realized that I missed something that Harry had said.

“What?” I shot my head up to look at the door as if he were standing there.

“I said, why not?” It was a simple question. There weren’t any inflections with his voice that showed any negative insinuations. It was a purely innocent question.

Why couldn’t I figure out an answer then? I bounced back and forth between a hundred different answers, but not of which would do the question justice.

Harry’s head banged against the door in obvious annoyance at my lack of an answer.

“Because I am overwhelmed too. I need you, Harry. I can’t tackle all of this…change—if I can call it that—on my own. Please don’t make me.” I tried to ignore the fact that the end of that statement came out as a whimpered plea than anything.

Soon after, all the words that I was holding in, even some I didn’t realize I was holding in came tumbling out with no intentions of stopping. “I’m done trying.  I can’t do this anymore. It isn’t fair to anyone. It isn’t fair to me. I keep hiding and pushing things away and living in a shadow of fear and I just can’t do that anymore, Harry. It’s too much work and I’m tired of it. I’m just…done.” I rested my head back down into the palm of my hands and held it down into my lap.

I did it. I said everything that had been clouding my mind over the last week. I felt strangely happy, but sickeningly vulnerable. I had never thought much of the expression “the ball is in their court” until right at this moment. The ball is in Harry’s court. I opened up and gave him everything I had to offer.

I almost had to laugh at the fact that for once, I wasn’t doing something that was selfish. I’m putting myself out there solely for the benefit of Harry. I don’t want any help solving my (cringe) sexual identity issue, but I want to help him solve his. Liam was right; Harry can’t keep subjecting himself to any and all outlets of pain relief. It’d only be a matter of time before that escalated into something deeper. I can’t let him do that.

I sat there in that dumb wooden chair for over an hour in pure silence. Harry never said one thing back to me and I didn’t try and further explain myself. There wasn’t anything left to say now. The silence was tearing me up to shreds and I needed to put a stop to it.

“I’m sorry I locked you in the bathroom. I untied the string so you can come out now. I’m going to sleep. I’ll see you in the morning I guess.” I hesitantly shuffled off the chair and towards my room.  I grabbed my door handle and paused for a moment. “I’m gonna fall with you. You won’t be alone on this.” It was all I had left to offer up to him.

I heard the small click of the door behind me, but I ignored it and continued walking into my bedroom. If I would have turned around I would have seen the shiny glint of emerald green eyes that peaked through the small crack in the door. If I would have seen the tear-stained face that was staring back and forth at the chair that I had been seated in for nearly two hours and the door way where I should have been standing. If I would have looked back, I would have seen Harry quietly utter a ‘thank you’ as he wrapped his long arms around his waist in an attempt to hold himself together as he made his way to his bedroom.

Now both of us were lying in our respective beds, being suffocated by the words that were swarming the air and being tormented by the thoughts that were dragging us down into whatever abyss we were now falling in.

Even though we hadn’t said it aloud, we both knew now that we were falling.

Together.


	10. Chapter 10

Dear  _You,_

_~*~_

I sat there staring at the blank paper trying to put my thoughts out into a more comfortable form. I just couldn’t do it. Part of me couldn’t because I honestly had no idea what to say at the moment, but the other part of me had just given up…given up writing letters, that is. I mean, what’s the point anymore? If I want to say something, I can just tell him now. The other letters were obviously far worse and he still wants to be around me and isn’t treating me any different, so that’s a good sign.

_You’re not gonna be alone in this._

What does that mean? Is he seriously saying that he feels the same? Not towards me, but in general. He did say he gets it. He  _gets_ it. The struggle, the confusion, the pain and frustration. All of it, I hope. This thought gives me a glimmer of hope that maybe there isn’t something wrong with me. If it’s happening to Louis, it can’t be wrong, it just can’t be.

As good as it makes me feel to know that he understands to some extent what is going on, I can’t get over the fact that none of this would be happening if he hadn’t read my letters. A part of me wants to forgive him, but I don’t know if I should.

He invaded my privacy. I know that living in the same house and practically in each other’s back pocket does blur the lines between things that are private, but it’s still personal to me. On the other hand, things have a chance to get better now. He can help me. I mean, he always has. And I’ve always helped him, it’s what we do.

~*~

Dear  _You_ ,

Louis Tomlinson, consider yourself officially forgiven. I’m Sorry as well.

_-Me_

_~*~_

It wasn’t much, and I don’t have any intentions of giving it to him, but writing it out helps me to understand better.

I looked over at my clock to see what time it was. I hadn’t slept the entire night for the pure reason of not being able to. My thoughts were constantly changing and analyzing everything that had just happened and what could potentially happen next.

Finally, my alarm clock went off signaling it was 6am, and an acceptable time to wake up and make noise around the house without being deemed a nuisance.

I grabbed out the carton of eggs and some strips of bacon from the fridge and set myself up to cook enough for the two of us. I had some underlying guilt  for the way I reacted last week when I found out about the letters and I think I secretly want to try and make up for it in little bits for my own sake.

Louis’ a late sleeper so I just assumed he’d mosey into the kitchen once he smelt the food cooking on the stove. I plated everything and to my surprise, he still wasn’t up and out.

I quietly walked over to his bedroom door and pushed it open to see his sprawled out across his bed. He had lost his undershirt in the middle of the night like he usually does and was now only clad in his blue Topman boxers. The house has been so cold lately, that neither of us have been bold enough (or on proper terms with each other) to walk around with as little as possible, so the look was quite…different to see.

I walked over hesitantly to wake him up. I nudged his arm slightly which made him stir and roll onto his back. His entire torso was exposed now and no longer shielded by the duvet. I felt my breath hitch a bit in the back of my throat and I swallowed with great difficulty as my eyes roamed over his body, taking him all in.

“L-Lou…Louis, you should probably get up now…Louis…” I finally averted my eyes and woke him up.

“Hmm?” His morning haze kept his eyes shut, but he was starting to come to.

“I uh…I made some breakfast, so come out to the kitchen, alright?” I wasn’t sure how an exchange between the two of us would go over given the events of the past week and the last 24 hours.

He opened his eyes when he recognized my voice. He gave me a puzzled look which I can only interpret as confusion for me talking to him, but I willed the discomfort his look was giving me away.

He nodded and rolled out of bed. I headed out of the room with him in tow behind me.

We were sitting at the table and he smiled curtly at the food on the plate before eating. My stomach fluttered a little at his obvious appreciation.

 _I should say something…I need to say something…We should talk about something…Fuck, this is awkward…I want to explain the letters…What should I do?_  My mind was streaming thoughts as I searched for what to say.

 “Look, I-”

“Harry. Just…” Louis let out a small sigh before continuing, “Let’s not try and figure anything out right now. Just let it happen, okay?” He followed this with a small, but sincere smile.

_Well, there goes that effort. Maybe later._

After some more tooth-pulling silence, I spoke up again. “Are we okay?”

Between bites of food, Louis looked up at me and let out a reassuring “mmhhmm” before going back to his food. As nonchalant as it was, he really meant it though. I could just tell.

We finished our food in silence. This time, it was more of a content atmosphere and not awkward. I got up to put the plates in the sink, and asked “Are you ready to go?”

“It’s only 6:30 and I haven’t had a shower yet, Harry.” He said matter-of-factly.

“Oh, right. Okay, well, yeah. I just…okay.” I couldn’t stop awkwardly rambling and I could feel the heat rushing to my cheeks as I kept talking.

Louis let out a light chuckle and stood up. “Go watch some TV or something while I get ready. Be out soon.”

—————-

We walked out to the car as it pulled up to the curb around 8:40. It’d been over a week since we’ve seen the boys all together so they hopped out quickly and exchanged hugs with us. We piled into the van and Louis sat in the seat across from me. The van was small and the tips of our knees touched the entire ride into London. Not once did we try and move to break the contact.

Liam caught my eye on the ride over and he gave me a questioning look. For as long as I have known him, I’ve been able to read what he’s feeling like a book. His look was filled with question and general inquisition. He must still be fretting over my encounter at his house last week. I just gave him a subtle smile and nod which digressed his slight worry.

Today was to be filled with interviews until the late afternoon. Luckily, we were given the questions in advanced so it was nothing new. I had already formulated the answer to all the questions that I would be answering a few days ago and reviewed them in the car.

The first interview of the day started and we were seated around a huge oak table. I made the mistake of resting my elbow on there and my head on top of that, which, I found, was extremely comfortable and the perfect position for day dreaming.

I know I am supposed to be focused during these interviews, but I couldn’t help my mind from persistently sauntering over to the memory of last night. I finally gave in and just let myself become engrossed in the thoughts.

It was mostly just thinking about how Louis felt the same, or he understood at least. I was amazed, really. He gathered all of that from my letters and just me in general. I mean, they were just words on a piece of paper, and he took them and understood everything I was feeling…I am feeling.

I felt a thump on my head followed by an “earth to Harry?! What’s going on in there mate?”   
  


I gave my curls a quick shake and tried to think of some excuse for my lack of answer. Luckily, Louis of all people swooped in to save the day.

“Harry’s got his head in the clouds. Can’t seem to focus on anything these days, can you!” He ruffled my curls playfully which earned a laugh from the audience and crew. I couldn’t tell if the act was sincere or just for the sake of the show, but it was a nice gesture nonetheless.

The interview wrapped shortly after and we were ushered into the studio cafeteria for our lunch. About three quarters through the food queue, the food ran out and we had to wait for more to be prepared. Louis and I had ended up at the end of the line and as a result, were also left to wait. The rest of the boys were already seated and eating their meal. By the time we got ours, they were finishing up and heading into makeup for the next interview in the next lot over.

“Just eat up quick and meet us over there, yeah?” Zayn said as he pushed in his chair, getting ready to leave.

Both Louis and I gave a nod as the other three left. We spent a few minutes completely engrossed in our pasta and not on making conversation, which was completely okay. It didn’t feel awkward, which is more than I can ask for right now.

I glanced at Louis out of the corner of my eye and couldn’t help but smile. He has such as childish quality about him. Not in a bad or condescending way, but he just enjoys things in life the way a child would. Even in the aspect of eating. He had little splotches of tomato sauce of his mouth just outside of his lips.

“You’ve got something on your face.” I nudged him with my elbow as I said it.

He shoveled another big bite of food into his mouth and nodded in acknowledgment as he went to wipe his face. Unfortunately, he wiped the wrong side.

“No Lou, other side.” I said with a small laugh.

Again, he managed to miss. He really was like a child sometimes.

“No, right here.” Without thinking, my hand jutted out to his cheek. I grabbed ahold of the side of his face and swept the sauce off with the stroke of my thumb. Louis was frozen under my touch, but his eyes were trained on mine. The longer I kept my hand on his skin, the darker his cerulean eyes turned. Something else was turning, too. In the pit of my stomach, I could feel something warm churning around and I continued to hold Louis’ gaze, but only for a moment longer.

I glanced at the sauce on my thumb and then back to him. This could potentially be an awful idea, but I wasn’t in the mood to turn back now.

I slowly took my hand off his cheek and brought it to my mouth. I took the finger that had sauce and brought it up to my mouth before sucking off the sauce that I had just taken from him. Not once did I break eye contact with him.

We were in our own little bubble, and it was pure silence. I heard him gulp heavily and his Adam’s apple bobbed in time.

“Harry, uh…yeah that…is it gone…like, uhm, this lunch is…great, yeah-“Louis rambled through his obvious fluster. Luckily, I put him out of his misery (and my amusement) and interrupted.

“Listen, tonight, I want to talk to you. I want to explain the letters, okay?” I offered. I’m still not sure what came over me moments ago, but I had a new energy coursing through me that I wasn’t about to let go to waste. I to my finger and put it back into my mouth. I sucked on it for a moment before pulling it out with a prominent  _pop_  that made Louis’ jaw nearly fall to the floor. I took a small amount of guilty pride as I noticed Louis shifting his legs uncomfortably. “Does that sound good with you?”

He shook himself out of his dazed stupor and managed to get out “Uh, yeah…yeah. Sure, no problem.”

I let out a sigh of relief at his acceptance and smiled at his ever-reddening cheeks.  “Come on, let’s go meet up with the other lads, yeah?”

_Tonight we’ll figure things out._

As we walked, I pulled out my iPhone and opened up a new note.

~*~

Dear  _Me,_

Friendly reminder, YOU AREN’T GAY.

It’s just fun to flirt to make light of situations.

- _Me_

~*~

As we walked to the next studio lot, I couldn’t help but to take notice of the giddy feeling I had running through me and the fluttering in my stomach that hadn’t stopped since I put my hand on Louis’ cheek. I pulled out my phone one more time and decided to tack a post script onto my letter.

~*~

_P.S. considering that stunt right now, is it even worth trying to lie to yourself? It’s a good thing you are a singer and not an actor, because you sure as hell aren’t fooling anyone with that comment._


	11. Chapter 11

Okay, so my bravery had definitely worn off as the day progressed. We were steadily approaching our complex and I was trying my best to hide the fact that I was visibly shaking from pure anxiety and nervousness. I wanted to talk to Louis about everything, I really did, but this was scary as hell and I had no idea what would come from this. I just need clarity, I guess. I hate not knowing what is going on, or letting things just hang out in the open.

I need underlined statements and highlighted sections, not fine print.

Louis thankfully reached the door before I did. My hands were shoved in my pockets to keep them from trembling.

“Let me go change into my pajamas and then we can talk, alright?” Louis said as he scuttled to his bedroom. I decided to preoccupy myself for the few minutes he would be away with putting the kettle on. Maybe some tea would calm my nerves. 

Calm the fuck down, Harry. It’s just Louis. You can do this. At least there was some small part of my brain that was actually rational and levelheaded. 

I prepped the two cups of tea- Louis just sugar and mine with two sugars and a little milk- and brought them out into the living room where I sat and waited not so patiently for Louis to be ready.

“Alright,” he said as he pulled his bedroom door shut and walked towards me, “let’s talk.” He seemed happy, but there was a tinge of seriousness that was deluding his overall boisterous persona.

“Okay, so first off, I want to apologize for how I acted with the letter situation. I shouldn’t have snapped like that. What I said was harsh, and I realized that later.” I gripped the tea cup to steady my hands. Not once did my eyes stray from the liquid in my cup.

“Harry, don’t apologize for that. It was warranted. I felt like shit for reading them. It wasn’t my business, and I invaded your privacy. I deserved everything that you said. It was curiosity, you know? I promise not to look through your things again, alright?” His answer seemed slightly rehearsed, so he must have been expecting this conversation. His question was rhetorical, though because he quickly continued talking, not giving me a chance to answer. “I want to know, are you alright though? I know I shouldn’t say anything, but the letters you wrote have some worry festering inside me that I can’t exactly push aside and-“

“Louis.” I said cutting him off.

“Yeah?”

“I want to lead this conversation, alright?” I didn’t want him worrying over me. Everyone has the rights to their own thoughts, and everyone thinks of things they aren’t proud of. What I wrote isn’t anything that should be looked in to and cause worry. 

“Oh, okay.” My response seemed to have halted his worrisome rant that he was fully prepared on spilling.

I, however, wasn’t as prepared as he seemed to be. “So, uh…how are you feeling?” 

He looked at me for a little bit and down at the ground, seriously considering what and how he should answer. “Honestly? Scared. Confused as fuck. I don’t understand a single thing of what is happening right now.” His answer sent a wave of calmness over me and I had never been so grateful until that moment.

I let out a soft chuckle. “Me too.”

The room filled with silence shortly after. Both of us were searching for what to say next, but weren’t exactly sure how to follow the mutual confession.

Louis was focused on his cup and dilegently stirring his tea when he finally broke the silence. “Can I ask you a question about the letters?”

“Yes.” I’m vulnerable enough as it is, so why not.

“Is that how you feel about me?” His question was accompanied by the small clinking of his spoon with the sides of his cup. 

“What do you mean?”

“That, uh…” he sounded like he was going to say more, but his voice trailed off. I looked up to meet his gaze for the first time in since we sat down. He paused a moment and continued. “…that you didn’t think i’d accept you if you were…you know…”

I willed myself not to be embarrassed by what we were discussing. In the aspects of personal, this is as deep as it gets. “Yeah, I know…uh, I think it’s just the fear. I could happen. People change and then they leave. You’ve always been there for me and I can’t lose you.” There’s a new level of vulnerability. Congratulations on being even more emotionally brittle.

Louis’ smaller hand grabbed mine and pulled it from my tea mug. “I won’t ever walk away from you and leave. I promise.” He looked down at our hands fondly for a moment. “I have another question.”

Confused, I looked at his face and saw that he seemed to be contemplating whether or not he should actually ask. 

“What is it, Louis?” I urged, the anxiety still biting at me.

He sighed heavily before starting. “Is that…is that how you, uh,” his Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed deeply, “how you feel about me? What you wrote in the letters?” He enunciated his words very specifically, but I was still confused.

“Didn’t we just go over this?” I asked.

He shook the fringe out of his eyes in response. “No, like how you feel about me.” The way he stressed the word feel made me want to be sick. 

shitshitshitabortabortabort

“Be honest, please.” His tone was laced with plead.

“I am under the impression that you and I are in the same boat with all the confusion and stuff, right?” Get out now. You can still avoid this conversation!

Louis nodded in agreement.

“Okay, then,” are you really going to do this?! What the hell is wrong with you, Styles! Shut your damn mouth! “yes.” 

Louis’ hand went limp around mine. Panic set in. This reaction was inevitable. They always say that if you put your neck out there, you’ll get it chopped. I was definitely getting chopped.

The best thing I could do was to just pull my hand away. I tried to formulate an apology of sorts, but, to my surprise, Louis tightened his grip on my hand. He pulled it closer to him “Come here.” He wrapped his arms around me and held me in a comforting hug. 

“Don’t apologize, Harry. Never apologize.” His hand was petting soothing stripes down my back. His hand started to slow after a minute or so and it lingered at the base of my back. We pulled away from our hug, our hands still connected. 

“This isn’t going to change anything, right?” I was practically sitting on Louis’ lap because I didn’t really move back after our hug, I just sat up straight. In our cold flat, I could feel his body heat emanating off him. 

The cerulean eyes of Louis started to grow darker, much like they had at lunch. I watched his eyes flicker down to my lips and jaw while he answered. “No.” He said. His voice sounding slightly distracted.

My heart was beating sporadically in my chest and I felt the familiar burst of heat rise in my stomach that I had trained myself to be ashamed of. “Because if it did change anything, we’d keep it a secret, right?”

I was using all my energy to focus on what I was saying, but that went out the window when Louis took my hand and placed it on his upper thigh. 

“Right.” His voice was deep and breathy, giving a whole new appearance to him. 

I hesitantly took my free hand (which was currently resting on my crotch in case anything unexpected came up…pun intended) and placed it on his other thigh. I felt him shudder slightly and I sucked in a breath at the realization of what was happening.

“Harry.” The change in his voice was noticeable. It was different. It was filled with emotion and feeling and huskiness.

He moved even closer to me. Our faces were now only inches apart and my mind was going a mile a minute. How I managed to even formulate a “yes?” is truly a mystery.

“I’m saying this in advance,” his breath was firm but very breathy ” do not apologize for what is about to happen, because I am not going to be the least bit sorry for it.” His eyes looked straight into mine when he said it. The full realization came over me and I gave him approval by moving my hands even higher up his thighs.

It changed something in Louis. His pupils were blown wide and dark. I only saw them like that for a brief few seconds before I felt the most ambivalent sensation on my lips. 

It was warm, slightly chapped and moved at an almost rampant pace. I matched the force of Louis kiss with as much intensity as he was executing. Louis’ hands moved from my lower back where they had previously been resting to cup my jaw and run through the sides of my curls. His fingernails scratched softly at my scalp, sending a rush of endorphins through my body. He pushed himself forward to close the space between us. I obliged willingly. I needed more from him. I needed more of him. 

His push landed me on my back with him on top of me. The adrenaline from falling backwards only made us more hungry. I put my hands behind his neck and pulled him down even closer to me if that’s possible. It wasn’t long before I felt the intrusion of his tongue in my mouth and felt it scrape against the inside of my cheek. I sucked in a breath through my nose at the realization of what was going on.

I’m making out with my best friend. I’m making out with a guy. I’m making out with Louis FUCKING Tomlinson.

I reached my hand out to feel for the floor. I put and hand down on it and rolled us off the couch onto the floor so I was now on top of Louis. The impact accidentally made my crotch grind into his slightly. Louis’ back arched up slightly at the senation. 

“D-do that again.” He said, breaking out kiss momentarily. 

I was buzzing from not only the sound of pleasure but the actual verbal appraisal I had gotten from that. I did that. I made him feel like that. 

I deepened our kiss as much as I could, my hips slowly rocking into his, experimentally. 

Occasionally, a moan would slip from one of us, only bringing the energy in the room to an incredibly high level. 

“H-harry..” Louis stuttered out. The way his voice was mixed with a moan only urged me on more and I ground down a little harder while running a hand through his whisp-y brown hair that was now slightly damp from sweat. 

“s-stop Harry.” His words echoed into my mouth, making them unitellagible.

“hmm?” I questioned back, keeping our lips together as much as I possibly could.

“Shit. Harry stop.” I felt Louis hand push my shoulder upward.

I felt a pang of fear move through my body as I sat up. My legs were resting on either side of Louis, and by sitting up, I ground down even harder onto Louis’ crotch.

“Oh God, fuckfuckfuckfuc-ugh!” Louis’ back arched off the ground and his face twisted into an emotion that I didn’t recognize at first. It wasn’t until I felt his hands grappling around my thighs for some kind of purchase that I realized what had just happened.

“Oh my God…did you just…” I asked with wide eyes, hoping his answer would be no.

“I- I don’t even- oh my God, I didn’t mean- it was an accide-” he fumbled over his words in search of an answer.

“Louis.” I said in an effort to halt his rambling.

He was quiet for a second. His thoughts were obviously recapping everything that had just happened. “That was really fucking good.”

“Did I do that?” I asked in disbelief as I felt the warmth seeping through Louis pajama pants beneath me. 

He laughed lightly and a little out of breath. “Uh, yeah, you did.”

“Wow.” I was stunned and surprisingly turned on by what Louis’ body had just done while he was lying beneath me. 

“Come down here.” He encouraged. I brought myself back down, careful not tore-stimulate anything. I rested a forearm on either side of his head and looked straight into his eyes.

We stayed like that for awhile before I asked the question that was undoubtedly on both of our minds. “What just happened?” 

“I don’t really know.” He said in a matter-of-fact tone.

I nodded in acceptance.

“Are you okay with that?” he asked.

“With what?” My nose was hovering over his.

“Not knowing.”

I thought about it for a second. 

I think I actually am okay with not knowing. I think this will be the one thing that I will just skip past all the fine print on. We can learn later.

“More than okay.” I responded as I placed a soft kiss onto his slightly chapped and redden lips. This one was done with intention and I felt a tingling shock run across my lips and my head swirled with excitement and curiosity and happiness.

Louis smiled against my lips before pulling back slightly and patting his hands on my back. “Good. Now if you don’t mind getting off me, I’m going to go take a shower and wash off this mess that has absolutely soiled my pajama bottoms.”

I got up and sat on the floor next to where we were laying and I watched as Louis got up to head to the bathroom. Just before he reached his door, he turned and looked at me over his shoulder. “Goodnight, Curly.” He followed it with a wink and I felt my hand grip the edge of the coffee table tightly. 

I laid in bed for a few moments waiting for Louis’ shower water to turn on. After, I palmed myself through my pants as I recalled every last detail of the last 20 minutes.

I may or may not have pictured my hand as Louis’ when things started to get a little heated by myself.

I bit the edge of the pillow next to me to keep myself from being vocal as I fell off into the point of no return. 

After a couple minutes, I faced the same problem as Louis and got up in search of a new pair of pants to sleep in. After everything was said and done, I settled back into bed with my head still reeling from the fact that tonight actually happened.

I grabbed the small Legal Pad from my dresser and opted for a new letter to write.

~*~

Dear You,

What the fuck just happened?

This road is dangerous, but you know what?

I like it.

-Me

~*~


	12. Chapter 12

Dear You,

If I weren’t completely in shock that last night was real, I would wholeheartedly be making fun of you for ruining your pajama pants from a little touch and grind from yours truly. If that isn’t an ego boost to me, I don’t know what is.

Here’s me apologizing in advance for how cocky I may be today. 

p.s. In all reality, I don’t know what is going to happen today. Are we back to normal? Because last night was far from normal. I wouldn’t mind doing that over again though, to be fair.

I’m gonna go check on you now. 

- _Me_

~*~

I knocked quickly on Louis’ bedroom door hoping it was loud enough for him to hear.

“It’s open!” Louis yelled around a full mouth. I walked in and saw him walking around his room brushing his teeth in nothing but his pajama pants, tan body on full display. 

“Just coming to see if you were awake.” I said as I made myself comfortable on the edge of his bed.

He walked into the bathroom and rinsed his mouth before responding. “Didn’t sleep much, to be honest.”

“Oh.” Was the only response I could muster up. I thought about myself last night. I didn’t sleep much either. I did a lot of tossing and turning trying to will my energetic mind to finally calm down and get some rest. I assured myself countless times last night that I would have plenty of time to think about last night’s festivities in the morning.

“What are you thinking?” Louis asked, breaking me out of my thought. 

“What makes you think I was thinking something?” I shook my curls and pushed them to the side to get rid of my bed hair.

“Because. I know when you are thinking about something…that and your eyebrows were furrowed and your eyes were focused intently on the carpet, and I know for a fact it isn’t that interesting. What’s going on in that curly head of yours?” He said down on the bed on the opposite side of me, leaving plenty of space between us.

“Right…well I was just thinking that I didn’t sleep much either.” A smirk was beginning to spread on his face. 

“And why is that, Harry?” He said as he scooted slightly closer to me on the bed.

The biggest fault I have is that I get easily embarrassed. I try to not let it show, but it happens so often. I hate talking about anything remotely inappropriate because I start thinking about what ever that thing is and then I get really flustered and red in the face. 

Louis knows this flaw.

“Just couldn’t sleep, you know.” In my mind, I begged him to change the subject and lose interest. This, however, was not the case.

“Was something on your mind? That could have caused a-” his hand plopped down on my upper thigh before continuing “distraction for you?”

I felt my face burning as Louis’ hand wandered higher on my thigh.

“Oh what’s wrong, Harry? You look a little feverish…or maybe embarrassed?” His smile was brilliant now and he gave my thigh a light squeeze.

I smacked his hand out of the way. “Oh stop it, Louis. I’m not the one who should be embarrassed. Did you manage to get the stain out of your pants?” His face turned bright red also. “That’s what I thought.” I smiled at his obvious embarrassment.

“Fair. So, can we talk about last night?” He swung his legs up onto the bed and crossed them so he was facing me. I turned to do the same.

We stared at each other for a moment not really sure what to say.

I cleared my throat in an attempt to break through the tension in the air. “I say we establish some basics first. That way we are on the same page with everything.” 

Louis nodded in agreement. I went to my bedroom across the hall and grabbed my legal pad and a pen and made my way back to the edge of the bed.

Louis glanced down at the paper and turned his head to his night stand where a note written on the same paper was sitting before arching an eyebrow at the pad of paper and smiling slightly.

His recognition send a wave of emotions through me that made me shiver slightly. I handed the legal pad over to him. “Here, you write. Your hand is better than mine.” Which was true. It was way more legible. Plus, I liked it. It was quirky like him. This was the main reason why he penned my ‘Hi’ tattoo as well as the ‘oops!’ tattoo for himself. It properly encompasses him.

At the top of the page he wrote “ _The Basics About Harry and Louis: a list”_ and, as an afterthought, added a smiley face to the end of the title. I rolled my eyes and laughed softly at the addition.

“Alright, number 1. Let’s start out simple. We’re both single. Yeah?” I proposed.

“Right. Booothh siingleeeee.” He drew out the words as he wrote them down. “Next?”

“This is a serious list, right?” I asked before adding a new item to the list.

“Completely.”

“We both like girls.” I said matter-of-factly.

Louis looked up at me and made a face that basically deemed that acceptable for the list before writing it down.

“Your turn.” I said, nudging his arm slightly. He stared at the paper for a moment before writing something down quickly. 

“Alright, number four?” He said, placing a hand on top of the pad to cover up his addition. 

“What did you write?” I asked, scooting closer to see. He turned his shoulder slightly to obstruct my view.

“Just a basic. That’s all. Number four please.” He pulled the pad to his chest and held to it tightly.

“Louis let me see it.” I said with an even tone, extending my hand. 

“No.”

“Louis. Give me the pad or else.” I tried my best to hid the grin that was breaking onto my lips. I was now standing in front of him with my hands on my hips waiting mock-impatiently.

He looked at me with a devilish smirk and tucked the notepad under his thighs before placing his hands firmly on the edge of the bed. “What are you gonna do about it, Styles?” His eyebrow arched again as a welcome for what was to come. 

I swallowed down a deep breath before taking a step closer to him. His knees were now touching my legs. I was still very hesitant about engaging in anything that had to do with coming in contact with Louis in  _that_ way, but I tried to channel the same confidence I was feeling yesterday as I ran my hand from his knee up to the hem of his shirt. Louis’ eyes followed my hand all the way, his lip tucked slightly between his teeth.

My hand dragged up even slower up his stomach and his chest until I made contact with the skin of his neck. His eyes fluttered for a moment as he made the mental decision if he should let them close or keep them open to watch this play out. His blue eyes followed up from my hand to the crook of my elbow to my shoulder and then finally my eyes. 

I let my thumb settle just in front of his ear on his jawline and smoothed over the slightly stubbled skin. His jaw clenched under my hand. I bent down so my face was level with his.

“Do I  _really_ need to show you, Louis?”

———————————

In my head, I was like  _showmeshowmeshowmeshowme_ and physically, I’m pretty sure I wasn’t resisting in the slightest, but in the very back part of my mind, you know that part that fears everything and doubts your every waking moment’s actions, I could hear a faint screaming telling me to _stop_  and that this  _was wrong._

Harry’s lips were moving closer and closer to mine and I finally willed my mind to tell the other half to shut up and reached out to pull his face to connect to mine. 

It was a weird sensation kissing Harry. His lips were a lot bigger than mine, but weren’t exactly pout-y like a girls would be. And they felt  _comfortable_. It was nothing like anyone else I had ever kissed. He was skilled, much more than I was. His face was clean shaven as always and it felt soft under my hand. My hands wrapped around the back of him. Out of habit, I let my fingers wander around in search of hair to play with, but there wasn’t any to be found at that length. Harry’s hair was much shorter than any of the girls I had ever been with. 

I couldn’t decide if the buzz I was feeling was a result of me enjoying kissing Harry or me just wanting some kind of physical attention in general and finally getting it. Part of me was hoping for the first option, but that damn back part of my brain was dead set on believing the second option.

I let Harry take control of what we were doing and let him guide me instead of vice versa in hopes of some clarity as to what I was feeling at this moment.

Harry now had both his hands on either side of my face and let himself fall on top of me. That was strange also. It was nice, though. It was different having a flat chest on top of mine. I could literally feel his heart beat on my chest. The space that would normally be filled with breasts was now completely non-existent because our chests were flush against each other. This thought crossed my mind quickly last night, but it seems to be lingering now. 

There were so many comparisons that I could make between kissing Harry and kissing a girl, and as much as I wanted to continue thinking about them, Harry’s mouth on the edge of my jaw pushed those thoughts away and brought me back into the present.

I had never been on the receiving end of a love bite, save the ones given to me by  Liam and Harry that were actual bites instead of kisses. This felt outrageously amazing.

“God, you are so perfect Louis.” Harry’s breath was now breathing heavily on my neck as he said it. I had to grab onto the bed sheets to restrain myself from not reenacting last night right this very second. 

Harry started sucking on a part of my neck now. The part of my neck that was just on the inside of where my shoulder met with my neck. I didn’t know I had a ‘sweet spot’ of sorts, but if I do, that spot was definitely it. My mind completely went blank when the small nip of Harry’s teeth made contact with my skin. 

His hand was travelling lower and my mind was completely amazed that he could multitask so well. He skimmed down my hips, only inches away from what was now turning into a ‘semi’ and let his hand rest there for a moment while he went back to giving my neck his undivided attention.

Styles has a plan though. He always has a plan.

His tongue pressed flatly on the spot he was sucking on and licked a small stripe up causing me to let out a rather embarrassing moan of pleasure. His lips sucked for a moment on the spot before returning to mine. He skillfully took my bottom lip into his mouth and squeezed gently on the area of my thigh his hand had been resting on.

Before I knew it, I felt a small piece of cardboard slip out from under my legs and Harry rolled off me onto the other side of the bed. His hands now held the legal pad I was hiding from him. I sat up in shock and my jaw fell at the realization of the situation.

“Y-you just…just…seduced me!!” I said in complete surprise.

“If that’s what you’d like to call it, then yes. I do suppose I did ‘seduce’ you.” His hand made air quotes as he said ‘seduced.’

“Number three,” he read aloud in an imitation of my voice, “we like to kiss each other.” He looked up at me for a second before erupting into laughter. 

“What?!” I said as I punched his arm. “I thought we were being honest!”

My seriousness only made him laugh even harder. He tried to say something, but every time his mouth opened, more laughter spilled out. To retaliate, I shoved him off the bed.

I got up and walked around to the other side and stood above his body which was rolling on the floor trying to contain his laughter. He finally gathered up enough air to apologize, but I wasn’t having any of it. I’m obviously not really mad at him, but I figure if he can string me along then I can do the same.

I got down onto the floor and successfully pinned his arms down on either side of him. “Do you wanna try laughing again, Harry? Do you really?”

He was biting his bottom lip in an effort to keep his laughter in. He nodded his head  to say that he wasn’t quite finished. 

I brought my face down closer to his so we were now only inches apart. “How about now?” I asked. My voice was a little bit deeper than before, but he still nodded. Some confidence had dissapated from his response this time around. I brought my head down even further so my mouth was right against his ear. Our cheeks were pressed against one another’s and Harry’s body tensed slightly.

“How,” I kissed right next to his ear, “about” this time, right below his ear lobe “now?” finally, I placed one underneath his jaw. 

He made an effort to roll us over so he could be on top, but I kept him down. “Feisty one, aren’t we?” 

The restriction was no where near as amusing to Harry as it was to me and it was present on his face. He turned his head so my lips could come in contact with his instead of his jaw. He mumbled a ‘thank you’ against my lips and I reciprocated with a smile and a dip of my tongue into his mouth. 

“Harry? Lou? Are you guys home?” The front door shut and both of us jumped off each other like we had just touched fire. We sat up, Harry on my right, and peered over the edge of the bed out through the open bedroom door to see Liam wandering around the kitchen and living room looking for us.

We both looked at each other to decide what to do. Harry made a motion to stand up and go talk to him, but I pulled him back down. His lips were red and slightly puffy and very noticeable. I stood up instead and walked out to meet him.

“Glad your key works.” I said as causal as possible.

“Wouldn’t have to use it if one of you two would actually answer your phone.” He retorted and hopped up onto the kitchen counter.

“Want something to drink?” I asked.

“Fizzy please.” 

“Any plans for today, Li?” I asked as I turned back to hand him the pop.

“That’s why I ca- Louis turn your head.” He said, interrupting himself.

“Uh okay?” I went to turn, but realized a moment later what Liam could have possibly been staring at.

“Is that a hickey, Louis?”

“No!” I said just as he finished asking. 

_Had it really developed that fast?_

“Mmhhmm.” He answered skeptically. “And what exactly is it then, Tomlinson?”

“I fell off the couch yesterday and hit my neck on the corner of the coffee table.” I mean, part of that _is_ true. I did fall off the couch last night…

“It’s true. He made quite a ruckus about it last night. That fall off the couch completely  _creamed_  him.” Harry said as he walked out of the room to join us in the kitchen. My eyes nearly bulged out of my head and I blushed fiercely at the split meaning of the word. Thankfully, Liam took it as the ‘beat up’ definition instead. Bless him.

“Oh. Well be more careful, Louis! We can’t have any of us getting hurt. Anyways, the reason I came over here was to see if you two wanted to do something today.” Liam’s paternal instincts kicked in and in the process, changed the subject.

Harry and I both exchanged a glance of approval. “We aren’t busy.” I said speaking for the both of us.

“Good. Meet me over at Zayn’s downstairs in 20 for a match of FIFA! Two on two. Bring some food too? Niall and I pretty much cleared out Zayn’s food last night with  our cooking experiments from that Jaime Oliver book he’s so obsessed with.” He chuckled lightly as he recalled his expeditions that we weren’t aware of.

“Alright. We’ll be there soon.” Harry said. With that, Liam hopped off the counter and headed out the door and down the hall to the lift, not bothering to close the door on his way out. Harry walked over and shut it and then headed into my room to retrieve the notepad.

He grabbed a marker from the first drawer by the dish washer and uncapped it to write on the list.

“NUMBER FOUR,” he wrote in his block-y uppercase handwriting, “WE WANT TO KEEP THIS A SECRET.”

He hesitantly looked up at me to see if we were on the same page, and I nodded whole-heartedly.

This will most definitely be a secret.


	13. Chapter 13

Dear You,  
  
Keeping this a secret is turning out to be the best damn decision of my life…well, second to telling you how I feel. It’s cheesy, but to be honest, I feel like i’m not hiding anything anymore…well, with the exception of us hiding the fact that we make out with each other…hmmm…  
  
You get the point.   
  
I don’t regret telling you. Not the least bit. If I have to keep a secret, I’m glad I get to keep it with you.  
  
-Me  
  
~*~  
  
“Okay, since you guys seriously suck at the concept of ‘bringing over food,’ will one of you please go get something of actual substance besides crisps from the kitchen?” Zayn said as he set himself up in front of his new tv, trying to figure out how to work it.  
  
“Last I checked, we are starving artists who live off crisps and soup thank you very much!” Louis dramatically pushed himself off the couch and stood up. “But, I suppose I can whip something up for us so we don’t all have to suffer.”  
  
“You guys figure out the tv, and I’ll go help in the kitchen.” I followed behind Louis, who hopped up on the counter.  
  
“You know I don’t plan on making anything, right?” Louis swung his legs off the counter as he pulled out his iPhone and read through some tweets.  
  
“Why do you think I came in here.” I rolled my eyes and dug through the fridge for something I could heat up. My fingers hit a chinese takeaway left overs box that would be big enough for the four of us to share. I emptied the contents into a bowl and stuck it into the microwave. My eyes wandered over to Louis who was suppressing a smile as he stared down at his phone.  
  
“What are you looking at?” I asked as I curiously made my way closer to him, resting my hands on his thighs.   
“Just some naughty tweets from the fans. The things they want to do with us. It’s too entertaining.” He said as he finally freed the laugh he was keeping in in the most adorable (I can call my best guy friend adorable, right?) way possible.  
  
“Well,” I walked closer to him and settled myself between his legs which were dangling off the kitchen counter, “you know what I want to do with you right now?” I channeled my best smolder face and I could literally see Louis melting under my gaze.  
  
He fought to keep his composure, but he lost miserably. “W-what’s that?” His voice broke slightly as he replied.  
  
“I want to kiss you all over and put a huge love bite in that one spot you love the most on your neck.” I took my finger and placed it on the area I was talking about and ran my finger over the skin slightly, making him shutter.  
  
I moved my face close to his so we were only inches apart, but I kept my finger on his neck. “This spot right here? That’s where you like it, right?”  
  
“More than anything.” Louis said in a rough, low voice.  
  
“What the hell are you guys doing?!” Zayn asked as he walked into the kitchen and saw us. From his point of view, all he could see was me standing between Louis’ legs with his legs very loosely wrapped around the sides of mine and our faces separated by at most 3 inches of space.  
“Staring contest, Zayn. Don’t ruin it.” Louis said with a smirk as he widened his eyes and met my gaze again.  
Zayn shook his head and walked out of the room mumbling something along the lines of “weird fucks. I just want some food.”  
  
Louis kissed me quickly and hopped off the counter, taking the food out of the microwave and bringing it out to the rest of the lads.  
  
I smiled in content and followed.  
  
———

 _“God,_ can you guys  _not_  awkwardly stare at each other for 5 minutes? It’s creeping the rest of us out in here.” Niall said as he pulled the hood of his sweatshirt down so it could cover his eyes.

It wasn’t like we were doing anything, really. Louis’ eyes just happened to catch mine and we hadn’t really broken the gaze. It’s not like we had to do much talking either. Louis was completely aware of what I was saying to him, even if it only came in the form of me biting my bottom lip and occasionally running my tongue across it. 

We were headed over to Birmingham to start off our day full of interviews and some how, we are going to end back up in London tonight when everything is done.

I had slowly, but surely begun to dread this day as it approached. Louis and I had been off from work for over a week since we broke into our new ‘situation’ and we haven’t really done much of anything except for test out the waters and see what we could and couldn’t do before things started to get weird comfort-wise for either of us.

It’s been really good for us to try and define what we are in the comfort of our own flat instead of juggling it with our work schedule. At least now we have a pretty good understanding of how we can satisfy our attraction…for now, anyways.

Back to dreading today. With a press day, there is virtually down time. We have an interview and then we are carted off to our next location. The lack of privacy would no doubt become the the proverbial bane of my existence by the end of the day. I had grown quite accustomed to being able to kiss Louis whenever I damn well pleased and not care about it over the last week because nobody could see us in our flat. Now that we are actually working, however, every time we breathe is practically written down in some records document. To be honest, I will be surprised if I can contain myself through the first interview.

——————-

“The sweet tweets to each other, the frequent late-night outings together, and even the fact that you two are still flatmates. This all poses a lot of questions for the fans out there, but there is one that I think we are all dying to know the answer to…” Katie Derham asked us. The question was obviously directed towards myself and Harry, who was currently draping his left leg over my right one and reclining slightly into his own chair.

“Go on.” I offered with a friendly smile, helping to build up the anticipation of the question lying ahead.

This interview was only meant to last seven minutes and we were working our way to minute fifteen by now, which had undoubtedly thrown off what ever schedule management had set to a tee. We were already into interview number four and as happy and exuberant as my exterior was looking, my brain was on the verge of a meltdown. I’m exhausted. Harry keeps me up literally every night. Not in the physical sense, but more of the mental sense. I can’t stop thinking about him and us. I like this, and it makes me exceptionally happy to see him light up every time I place a kiss on his nose or hug him around his waist, or the way he melts under my touch when I suck on the soft spot under his jaw. Each day that goes by, it bugs me less and less, but there is still a fraction of a part of me that thinks something about all of this is wrong and that I need to put an end to this. I just can’t bring myself to. In this case, the Pros are definitely out-weighing the Cons. 

“Is our favorite One Direction bromance finally making a triumphant return?” She leaned forward in her seat slightly and I could tell that part of her was genuinely eager to hear the answer. I turned to Harry and let him take this one.

“Larry Stylinson is back. Full force.” He said with a thousand watt grin that could have outshined the sun itself. The screams and cheers in the studio nearly blew the roof off there was that much excitement. The other two lads smiled and cheered a bit also, while Liam’s face showed more of a sigh of relief than anything. I think he takes his nurturing role far to serious sometimes.

As the interview came to a close, I threw an arm around Harry for good measure and he reciprocated by leaning in to whisper something in my ear. My reaction, however, was completely uncontrolled.

“Wanna make out behind the studio?” Were the words that carried into my ear. 

“Excuse me?” I said back with indefinite amounts of confusion as we un-mic’d ourselves and headed off the studio set. 

The rest of the boys were buzzing around in search of something to munch on or drink in the few spare minutes we had. 

“You heard me. Let’s go. Not much time before we leave.” He took a firm hold of my elbow and guided me to the nearest exit. This kid was on a mission I can already tell he won’t stop until he succeeds, which both scares and excites me at this point. He pushed through the door and after quickly shutting it, he spun me around and pinned me up against the concrete wall of what seemed to be an alleyway separating two of the studio lots. 

 _Definitely NOT the most secluded place._  I thought to myself, but I tried hard to ignore the negative thoughts.

Harry’s eyes turned a deep green as he growled into my ear about how much he had been waiting for this all afternoon. To be fair, we had grown quite dependent on the attention from each other at extreme amounts. Stopping cold turkey today has been a slight challenge.

“Well, quit talking then and do something about it.” I suggested, realizing that I, too was missing the attention.

Harry looped his index fingers through my belt loops and pulled his hips close to mine so they slammed against each other causing instant gratification on both sides.

Harry’s lips found mine in an almost hungry way. I felt myself falling into the same trance he was in instantly and gratefulness washed over me as the last of my negative, fear-ridden thoughts dissipated with a wipe of Harry’s tongue over mine. I groaned in appreciation and felt Harry grind even harder into my hips as my fingers knotted into his hair. 

I’m not sure what it was- instinct maybe- but I felt the uncontrollable urge to open my eyes. I’m not even sure when they had shut to begin with, but my eyes were now snapping open to see what was going on. I didn’t stop making out with Harry, but I took a moment to glance around me, and thank God I did. The alley connects studio B with studio C and there is a narrow walkway that carries pedestrian traffic. I looked over just as the man who was to be interviewing us next, Phil Jones, walked past the alley’s opening. Even worse, he was looking this way. I pushed Harry off and adjusted myself quickly. Phil kept walking, but I know he saw something.

“What are you-“

“Just start talking about something. Trust me.” I urged, hoping my suspicions were right. Thankfully, they were.

Just as Harry began talking about the FIFA match from last night, Phil walked back down the mouth of the alley to get a second look at us. 

“Hello sir!” I said as coolly as possible. 

Confusion was written across his face, but he gave his head a quick shake to dismiss whatever thoughts had been formulating. “‘ello lads. See you in a bit, yeah?” 

“Right you will. Be there in about 10.” Harry said, he himself still not really sure what was going on.

Phil gave a curt nod and continued on his way. I slumped against the wall and sighed heavily.  _We nearly got caught._

“What was that about?” Harry asked.

“He thought he saw us, so he came back for a second look. I just happened to see him and- fuck. That was scary.” I could feel myself shaking slightly as the fear coursed through me. The thought of being caught by someone was enough to frighten me sleepless for a week.

“But Louis, that adds to the fun of it. The suspense. Makes it more thrilling.” He said as he placed a small kiss onto my lips. “Come on, let’s get back to the rest of the lads.” He grabbed my wrist lightly and toted me along behind him. 

I still wasn’t sure how to react to the whole situation and it put me on edge. 

“Hey, you gonna be alright? We didn’t get caught. It’s fine. Don’t worry so much, Louis.” He slid his hand down to grab mine and gave it a reassuring squeeze as we walked into the next studio. It didn’t do much good though. I felt like I’ve just been dipped in lead paint, because my entire body feels tense and stiff.

———————

“Who’s house?” Liam said as he slumped into the car seat and propped an elbow on the door handle so he could cover his eyes.

“Louis hasn’t cleaned in a week, so not ours.” Harry said.

“I resent that! I’ve been…busy.” I smiled slightly as I remembered the reasons that have kept me preoccupied.

“I haven’t got anything hooked up because I got a new tv and game system. It’s still in the box. So i’m out too.” Niall said.

“Oi, why do we always end up at my house. You lot tear it up and leave me to fix it.” Zayn complained as he pulled out his phone to entertain himself. We all knew the drive back to London would be an exhausted one, but I think all of us are just glad that the press day is finally over.

No matter how much time we spend together during the day, we all end up winding down together as well. It’s just a comfort thing for us. 

“Zayn’s it is.” Liam said. Shortly after, the sound of faint snores were coming from different areas of the car. I’ve never really been one to sleep in a car unless I am at complete exhaustion, but a quick glance around the car told me that nobody has stayed up to keep me company. Nobody except Harry, who’s eyes were drooping slightly.

“Go to sleep, Haz. That way we can watch a movie or something at Zayn’s.” I encouraged. 

“Nah, i’m fine.” He said through weighted lids. 

“There’s no use fighting it, Harry. Plus, if you sleep now, you’ll have energy to have some fun when we get home.” I did miss the affection from Harry that I was so used to getting at all hours, even if it had only been one day without it.

Harry’s eyes shut quickly, but his lips spread open into an ear to ear grin, dimples and all. “Promise?”

“Of course. Now go to sleep.” I said. His head slid down onto my lap and he curled up his legs underneath him the best he could with the seat belt restraining him. He was out within five minutes.

The quietness of the car allowed me more time to think about what was going on. I thought about this morning and how Harry was able to make my doubts disappear, but now, those negative thoughts were back and seemed more truthful than ever. 

I thought that by working out my feelings with Harry I would get some clarity, but now, I’m even more confused. Even worse, i’m feeling afraid again. 

This time, it’s not the ‘fear of rejection’ fear that I was feeling a few weeks ago, now it’s the ‘fear of someone finding out’ fear. At this point, I think I’d rather deal with rejection.

Thinking will only get you so far before you want to tear your hair out. I took my phone out of my pocket and started scrolling through my name tag on twitter.

_“OMG SO happy about @Harry_Styles’ #Larryisback confession today! @louis_tomlinson must be so happy!”_

_“@Harry_Styles and @Louis_Tomlinson forever #larryfeels”_

_“Can I have a relationfriendship like @Louis_Tomlinson and @Harry_Styles #jealousofmyOTP #fangirlproblems”_

Reading things like this always made my day a little brighter. Knowing that we have support from fans is probably one of the greatest things in the world.

_“Just one step closer to being gay, isn’t that right Louis? #Larryisback”_

What?

Were they talking about what Harry said today?

_“I bet anything that Harry whispered to Louis about having hot Larry sex after the interview! #Larryisback”_

“Oh no.” I let out under my breath.

Where were these messages coming from?

I clicked on the ‘ _larryisback_ ’ hashtag and scrolled through those and my heart dropped into my stomach. 

About 90% of the tweets had something to do with Harry and I being gay. These were being seen by thousands and thousands of people. More importantly, they were being seen by me.

I’m not in any condition to be seeing things like this right now, but I can’t bring myself to stop scrolling. It’s making me sick to my stomach and I feel like chucking my phone out the window of the car, but my eyes are glued to the words continuously flashing down my screen. 

_gaygaygaygaygay_

_larrystylinsonlarrystylinsonlarrystylinson_

_harrylouisharrylouisharrylouis_

“I can’t let this happen.”


	14. Chapter 14

I feel like an absolute prick for doing this, but it’s the only way I know how to solve this problem.

It’s not like I  _purposely_ remembered what Harry’s letters had said way back when he first started writing them, it just happened to come into my mind. And I know it didn’t exactly help our situation, but, I mean, I’m older than Harry and can handle something like this better than he could. 

So, I think the best decision is to just take a break from Harry like he tried to do with me. Not sudden, because going cold turkey is  _obviously_  not going to work for either of us, but gradually. 

As much as I love what ever has been happening between Harry and me, I’m not sure it’s the best idea for us in the long run. I’m not gay and neither is he, so why should we just keep playing with this notion of messing around with each other just because. It’s wrong.

I feel like i’m cheating on my ‘straight’ side of myself. Harry’s just a tempting little fuck that is coming in and messing with my lips with his amazingly luscious pink ones, and those long fingers of his messing with my feathery hair, and his tongue messing with the dip by my collar bones and-

“Louis? Are you busy?”

_Nope! Just thinking about how you make me feel fucking amazing and wrong all at the same time. Not busy at all._

“No, why?” I called back to him in some other part of the house.

I saw his curls peek into the doorway first followed by big green eyes and lastly his big dimpled grin. 

“What are you on about, Styles? I’m too tired for games today.”  _Start slow, Louis. Gradual separation._

“Oh, nothing. I just was in my bedroom thinking about how hot you look in your black Calvin’s and I was hoping you’d have them on.” His eyebrow arched in cheek and I sputtered in shock at his crude and blunt response. My eyes looked down to my lower half and I sighed heavily as I realized where this morning would be going. I was sitting on my bed in nothing but a worn out Aerosmith tee and black Calvin Klein boxers.

When the realization hit my face, Harry’s grin spread even wider across his face.

“Since when do you think i’m hot, Harry?” I asked, hoping to avoid any potential intense interactions that could undoubtebly stem from this.

He scooted his body so he was standing in the doorway now, his hands grabbing the top of the door frame casually. “I don’t. It’s just when you wear those.”

I scoffed in response. “You don’t think i’m hot?”

“No.” He replied matter-of-factly.

My mind was thoroughly confused. “What do you think I am then?!”

“Well. You’re sort of…pretty, Louis.” He shrugged like that definition of my physical appearance was common knowledge.

“I can be hot.” My jaw was tensing in slight frustration as my statement was washed out by Harry’s echoing laugh.

“No you can’t sweetheart. It’s not a bad thing, I was just telling you what I thought.”

For some reason, the fact that he didn’t think I was hot was seriously bugging me deep down in the pit of my stomach and I knew I had to do something to change his mind.

It’s just Harry, you don’t need to prove anything. Stopstopstopstopsto-

The thud of Harry being pushed out of my door frame and against the hallway wall cut off my thoughts of logic and sense and was supported by the moan elicited from Harry’s mouth as I latched my mouth onto his neck.

“Still don’t think i’m hot?” I said in a hearty whisper into the spot on his neck where my lips had just been.

He only shook his head slightly and said “No.”

_Why am I so set of proving him wrong?_

I moved my hands down to where the back of his thighs met with his bum. “Jump.” I commanded and pushed up slightly to support his weight as his long, lanky legs wrapped around me.

“Do  _not_  untangle your legs. Understand?” I was being driven by lust and feeling and logic had been completely thrown out the window.

Harry just nodded in uncertainty as I continued to suck on his neck. My hands moved up and cupped his bum and gave it a squeeze causing another moan to escape. I smirked in excitement. 

Unsuscpectedly, I pushed Harry back into the wall we were standing against. The movement caused our hips to push together even more. The contact caused Harry to emit a low, throat-y groan and his head fell back even farther.

With his back pressed up against the wall, I hesitantly pushed my hips upwards, effectively pinning him between the wall, and his growing hard on flush against mine. He pushed his body up higher in an attempt to cope with the feeling.

It wasn’t long before I was rutting up against him and making him scream explicit phrases through the house. His breath was growing ragged and I wanted to make sure i’d have enough time before he finished to do exactly what I wanted.

I stopped moving my hips which caused Harry to moan in annoyance. He brought his head back to eye level with mine and opened his eyes to look at me.

“Am I hot yet?” I asked, inches away from his face.

He still hadn’t regained his breath enough yet to answer properly, but he shook his head no just enough for me to see it.

I let go of his legs and put a hand on either side of his head on the wall. His legs tightened around my hips half because he wanted to close the space between us and half because I was no longer supporting him.

I slowly moved closer to him, keeping my eyes locked with his, and took his plump bottom lip in between my teeth and tugged slightly before placing a kiss on them.

“That’s too bad.” I said as I willed his legs to unwrap from mine and let him stand up on the floor. I ruffled his curls and turned around to start walking back to my bedroom causing panic to ensue from Harry.

“W-what are you doing! You can’t just l-leave me like this! I’m going to explode if we stop now.” The shouting turned into a desperate plea as he finished and I smirked in victory.

I turned around and put on my best serious face. “But Harry, pretty guys don’t know how to please a guy. Can’t help you mate.” I shrugged for added show.

Harry took his massive hands and wiped them over his face in frustration. “You aren’t pretty, Lou.”

I walked back over to him and- with much mental consideration- placed a hand on his crotch, pushing lightly. Groans spilling out of his lips. “What am I then?” 

I asked with a smile as I squeezed, trying not to think about the fact that I not only had my hand on another guy’s dick, but the fact that it was Harry’s. His head fell back with a cry of pleasure.

“Hot. So. Fucking Hot. Lou.” He got out between his shallow breaths. I moved my hand up to where his sweats were tented and grabbed ahold of his tip. I moved my lips right to the shell of his ear.

“Damn straight” I whispered while I twisted my hand around his member.

Harry’s moan echoed through the entire house and his back arched away from the wall in extreme pleasure. He slumped down to the floor as he tried to recover from what was probably one of the best orgasms he’s had in a long time.

I walked back to my room and left Harry in the hall to recover and more than likely go shower off. 

_That wasn’t distance Louis, that was being a tease._

As much as I hate to admit it, my conscience is right. How the hell am I supposed to get away from these feelings that I have when I pull stupid things like that?

I refuse to wank off to the events that have just occured, so instead, I hop into a frigid shower and force the boner away with the freezing temperature of the water. 

I pulled out my laptop and hopped on Twitter in an effort to distract my mind from the disgust that was slowly starting to sink in from what just happened. That lasted three minutes tops before I realized the reason I was feeling all this guilt in the first place- Twitter. 

I think, I’ve always been in a position in life where I need to prove something to people. Prove that I was a good student in school. Prove that I could act in Drama. Prove that I can sing and be in the band. Everything. I’m always having to prove something to someone because I always have.

This situation is just another thing I have to prove. I don’t even know why the things people say about me affect me so much. Certain things strike a chord with me and I have to prove them wrong. People fall under the impression that the way the media portrays me is how I really am, but it couldn’t be far enough from it. I try my best to put who I really am out there, but there’s only so much I can do when it seems the fans know me better than I know myself.

That scares me. Especially these Larry Stylinson things. Do the fans know something I don’t? Is it written on my face and I just can’t see it? This brings me back to proving things.

I have to prove that i’m straight to them. Maybe if they believe me, i’ll finally believe myself.

Please don’t let me regret this.

“Wanna see you. I have some explaining. Hope your okay. I miss you.. xx”

I stared at my phone for what seemed like an eternity before the name flashed onto my iPhone screen.

1 New Message: Eleanor Calder x

“If you want to. I’m willing to listen. I’m better now. xx”

It wasn’t an “I miss you too” but it sure as hell was something, and right now, that’s more than I could ask for.


	15. Chapter 15

Dear  _You,_

Not going to lie, this is the happiest i’ve felt in a really long time. I’m glad that I have you like this with me. It’s helped me so much to figure out who I am.

I’m not exactly there just yet, with the whole “who is Harry Styles” thing, but i’m getting there.

I just wish I could help you too. I know you too well, and I can sense the struggle. 

I think I really got it at the studio, though. You’re still afraid. I’m not mad though, it’s a scary thing, but I hope you remember that i’m still here. We’re doing this together, okay? We promised to fall together, and that’s what we are going to do. Just open up to me and it’ll be alright. I’ll do my best to help you cope with it until you actually tell me that you’re afraid.

I hope you know that we can stop this when ever you want. Just tell me before we get in too deep, because I think I may already be there.

If I get there, I don’t think I can stop. There won’t be any turning back if I go.

- _Me_

~*~

I’m not sure why I still write now that Louis knows about the letters. I think it just helps my thoughts to formulate better. I know I said I would start telling him and not keeping these things a secret, but we all don’t tell a little lie sometimes, right?

He doesn’t know about these ones because they are saved to my laptop. No more printing them. I saved them in a little file on my laptop called  ”Letters To You” which can only be found by clicking through half a dozen files on my laptop. Even though they aren’t much, i’m taking better precautions this time for good measure.

The living room, which Louis declared this morning would be cleaned by him, was still messy when I walked in.

Louis was sitting on the couch, bent over to tie his shoe laces.

“What are you doing?” I said, proposing casual conversation as I plopped down onto the couch next to him. He stood up in a mock attempt to fix his shirt and sat back down about a foot away from me.

“Going out.” He said with a small smile.

Something feels slightly off. I can’t even place it, but the way Louis is looking at me right now doesn’t settle right with me. I know it has to do with his hesitancy towards our…situation, but it still stirs something the wrong way in my  stomach because I know that I can’t help him be comfortable and not ridden with anxiety.

Not yet.

My thoughts dissapate as Louis walks closer to me and sticks a small hand into my curls and ruffles them up a bit before placing a soft kiss at the corner of my mouth. 

————————

It’s finally the weekend. Not that everyday isn’t like the weekend for us, but everyday is also like a workday for us, so when things happen to be normal and we get a friday or a saturday off, we take full advantage. Luckily for us, we had both friday and saturday and were planning on using them to our full advantage.

“First off, I want to watch a movie. Just please, let’s include a movie into our plans.” Louis said as he pleaded from his spot on the opposite couch; his body draped over nearly every available surface of space. He had informed me over breakfast this morning that he was meeting up with an old friend this afternoon so, even though it was barely 10am, he was already fully dresssed which has to be a record for him.

“Okay, well i’ll look up show times. What do you want to see? I know how much you fancy watching Les Mis. We can catch that one this evening?” I suggested as I scrolled through show times on  my phone.

“Oh, I meant like a home movie. I simply cannot be bothered to put real clothes on after 6pm to go to catch a film, and you…well you can’t even be bothered to put on clothes.” He raised an eyebrow suggestively at me as he gestured at my appearance which consists of just a black pair of Tommy Hilfiger boxer briefs. My shoulders shrug in response and agreement.

“Fair enough. What else should we do?” 

“Well…I have been meaning to stock up our snack and pint cupboard since our last little get-together emptied us out bare.” His hands placed air quotations around the word ‘little’ because we both know that party was far from it.

I felt my laughter spill out of my mouth as I recalled how much Louis had complained about cleaning up that party even though it was his idea. The laugh died down into a pleased smile as I remembered just how well he nursed me back to health before the party and how I did the same after for him.

Paradise by Coldplay interrupted my nostalgic stupor. 

“Can you get that for me please?” Louis said as he kept his eyes trained on the ceiling. It was a text message notification.

I did a doubletake between the screen and Louis as I tried to make sure I wasn’t just picturing the name on the screen. “Haz what does it say?”

I swallowed and opened the text that came from a contact saved as “Ellie xx”

I chose to read it aloud first instead of reading it in my head. It wasn’t my business really, right?

“Uh, it says ‘can you bring me some of the strawberry creme Haribos please? thank you babe!’” I swallowed heavily as Louis sat upright to look at me. He reached a hand towards me gesturing for the phone.

“Who is that from?” His tone indicated that it was an unexpected text, but the content of the message says otherwise.

“Ellie…as in Eleanor? What’s going on Louis?” 

_Oh no. It’s happening. I knew this would happen. Please don’t say what I think you are going to say._

For a moment his face changed slightly to an emotion that I couldn’t read. It was only there for a flash. To be honest, I could have even imagined it because it was gone so quickly. His face morphed into a look of almost annoyance at his phone and the person on the other end of it and the roll of his eyes solidified that. 

“It’s nothing, trust me. Don’t even sweat it, babe.” His hand soothingly rubbed down my forearm and the word ‘babe’ sent a shiver down my spine. He hadn’t used that before, not in the sense of adoration. This was definitely new and I wasn’t going to question it.

He glanced quickly at his watch. “Shit! I’m always late for things, aren’t I? I’ll be back later today, alright? I’ll even swing by Redbox and pick up a DVD for us.  

Sound good?” He said as he bent down to tighten the laces on his Vans.

Still buzzing, I managed to answer “sounds perfect. Can’t wait.” 

I got a cliche “Louis Tomlinson” grin in response as he gathered up his keys, jacket, and wallet and headed out the door.

The buzz wouldn’t last for long, and I think in the back of my mind, I knew it wouldn’t stay, but my naiive, idiotic brain always chooses to toss out logic.

I went out to the store to pick up some junk food. Not for the cupboard, but for the movie tonight. These were just crisps and popcorn not the ‘pub’ snacks everyone loved to munch on at a party.

Being the cheesy lad I am, I picked up one of those ‘do-it-yourself’ Pizza pie kits for us to try and make so we don’t starve during the movie, but I bought it mostly because I wanted a chance to experience the kitchen make out session Louis and I talked about at Zayn’s house last week and thought this would be the best way to go about it. 

I’ve been abandoning Twitter a lot lately, purely because I haven’t had any free time to check it with the band and all, so I settled myself on the couch to check out what was going on in the Twittersphere.

I glanced through my mentions and just about every other one mentioned something about Louis or Larry. I felt the smile spread slightly across my face.

_“Making a cheeky meal with @Louis_Tomlinson tonight. Mentally reminding myself to take a picture of Loulou cooking. Could be a sight! .xx”_

I smiled stupidly at myself as the Retweets and Favorites poured in almost instantly.  _No harm in stirring the pot a bit, right?_

I opened up my ‘Friends and Family’ list and scrolled through their tweets. Nothing terribly exciting or dramatic going on in their lives either. Guess that makes two of us. 

I scrolled endlessly for what felt like a half hour until one in particular happened to catch my eye. I wouldn’t have thought anything of it if nobody was tagged, but nothing is ever that easy.

_“@EleanorJCalder: ‘I love him. I love him, but only on my own.’ @Louis_Tomlinson hahaha xx”_

My problem here is that she could have picked any other possible verse from ANY other song from Les Mis, but instead, she picked Louis’ favorite. Now, she could have just been tweeting something that has no relevance to Les Mis in the slightest, but Louis…Louis responded and my heart just about dropped to my stomach.

_“@Louis_Tomlinson: @EleanorJCalder Brill movie babe. Even better song ;) See you soon xx”_

I tried my best to stomach the anger and rage that was making it’s way through my body at an ungodly rate. There were so many things in those two tweets to set me off more than anything ever has or should. 

It’s not just the fact that she just said to millions of people that she loves him, or just the fact that he acknowledged it, but they went to the movie. They as in a ‘couple’ not just two pals having a laugh and hanging out because I know damn well that they weren’t on terms well enough for a chummy movie. 

_He called her babe._

_He called me babe._

That’s what really tears my stomach apart. Not just my stomach, but my heart. 

I’m trying my best to use logic here, I really am. I mean, I have a fairly good understanding of how I feel for Louis, and a vague understanding of who I am, and there is pretty much no logical conclusion as to why I am having such a terrible fit of, well, unrational anger towards Louis and Eleanor.

And  _if_ I am putting into action said logic, I shouldn’t be getting..hm..jealous over the fact that my best mate- who I occasionally make out with and may be developing irrevocable feelings for- is presumably on a date with a girl.

Yet here I am, pacing in my living room, praying to God I don’t punch him in the face when he comes home because that one simple little tweet make me feel like shit and he doesn’t even know.

There’s that certain feeling you get when you think you are as low as you can possibly be and you just kind of sulk and then all of a sudden your brain starts to dump every other possible thing onto you that it can conjure up to make your day 4000% worse. I swear on my mother’s head right now that if that certain feeling doesn’t go away this very instant, I am going to find a way to launch Louis’ entire fucking bed out the window.

He lied. 

How the hell can he just say that the text from her earlier meant nothing. He even had the audacity to look disgusted at the mere idea that Eleanor would be casually asking him a favor like that.

“Well fucking played, Tomlinson.” My words echoed through the empty flat and I forced myself to sit on the couch to try and collect myself. 

My hands are visibly shaking and combing them through my curls- which are now pretty much matted from the sweat of my anger- doesn’t help in the slightest to calm my nerves.

My senses were literally on edge and I just about bounded over the couch when I heard the door click open.

My rage took over any amount of logic I may have had as Louis walked into the house.

“Harry, I didn’t know what movie to get so I just rented a fe-” his statement was cut off by the sound of his back slamming up against the door that had barely shut seconds ago.

My hands were pressing firmly into his biceps, effectively pinning his harms down by his side as well as keeping him stuck against the door.

“What’s got you all riled up?” His face was practically dripping in confusion so I tightened my grip and push him even more into the door.

I barked out a harsh laugh at his question. “You lied, Louis.” Teeth gritted and jaw clenched far too tight, but I don’t even care anymore.

His eyebrows changed from a furrow of confusion to a raise of understanding and finally to an arch of question, more than likely at my current reaction to the situation.

“And you, my dear, can’t control your temper.” He shrugged off my anger and made an attempt to push out of my grip and walk past me but I pushed him back even harder. My hands were no doubt going to be leaving bruises on his arms. My knuckles were practically white from the pressure.

“I can too. You are just being a dick. Admit you lied.” My face was at most 6 inches away from his and a small trace of worry was present on his face.

“I didn’t lie. Let me go.” It came out as more of a plead then a demand.

“Don’t fucking lie to me, Tomlinson. Admit. That. You. Lied.” I pushed his shoulders back into the wood with each word I enunciated and I could see a mixture of pain and fear begin to creep into his features.

“I went to a movie, when did that become a reason for you to turn into an unreasonably angry twat?!” His bravery was very much a facade as he shouted the words back at me.

“When you decide to take your ex girlfriend and flirt with her on the internet to millions of fans and blatently ignore every single thing we’ve done the last month. That’s when!” My vision was spotted with white dots of anger and I could feel the words seething out of my mouth as I said them.

“fuck off, i can’t do this.” Louis managed to reach up enough to pull my hands off his arms and push me away as he made his way to his bedroom. His temper had obviously escalated to somewhere near mine. 

His last four words hit me like a cold bucket of water; splashing realization over me.  

_Does he mean he can’t do US?_

I stayed with my body directed towards the door and my head facing down at the floor. “You can, you just don’t want to admit it.”

There was a silence in the flat. He hadn’t moved but two steps. I could now feel his gaze pressing hotly onto my back. “You _know_  it didn’t mean anything.”

My hands curled up into fists as I turned around to face him. He wasn’t talking about his date with Eleanor. The way his body was- arms folded across his chest, one eye brow arched knowingly, and mouth pressed into a thin firm line said that he was talking about him and me.

White hot anger balled up in the pit of my stomach exploded up into my body, coursing through my veins and up my chest until it was a dangerous lump in my throat threatening to make itself known.

“You’re a coward.” I spit out at him

“At least i’m not gay.” He shot back in return.

I bit out a harsh laugh once again. The fact that he would try to use that against me is almost funny. At least I’ve made it a point to acknowledge the possibility of me being gay and not run from it in fear like he has.

_At least i’m trying._

“I’m  _not_  gay, Harry.” He said matter of fact-ly. 

I took a few steps towards him. “I don’t know what it is that makes me not believe you. Maybe the fact that you willingly let your best mate rut against you until you creamed yourself? Or the fact that you make out with your best mate several times a week. Or  _maybe_  the fact that you basically tried to fuck me into the hallway wall last week!”

I knew his swing was coming. I prepared myself for it as soon as I started talking. I was honestly expecting his attempt at a hit to come before I even got half way through my facts.

“Shut the fuck up!” He screamed as he swung his right arm at the right side of my chest. My hand flew up and grabbed onto his wrist instantly and pulled him closer to me. I quickly grabbed the other wrist in my hand to keep him from attempting to get another hit in.

“if you’re not gay,” I stepped forward so my feet were interlocked with his; socks, Vans, socks, Vans, “then you don’t like it if I do this?”

_This is purely fueled by anger and wanting to prove him wrong. I am in no way turned on right now because of his clenched jaw or the veins popping out on his forearms because I am very fucking angry right now and want to teach him a lesson._

I lowered my head to his neck and placed my lips right at the base of his neck where his collarbone meets his neck. I niped the skin before sucking and kissing on it with full fevor waiting for him to make some objection.

I pulled my mouth away and felt a sinister smile creep onto my face as I saw the red mark on his neck already beginning to grow dark.

“And, you don’t like it if I do this, right?” I kissed up his neck and across his jawline until I was hovering my lips directly in front of his. His skin was covered in goosebumps.

In my lowest whisper possible, I managed “and if you aren’t gay, you won’t let me do this, right?” I closed the gap and pressed my lips firmly against Louis’. His mouth went slack almost immediately and let my tongue inside. His hand fought for freedom and shot upwards to lock themselves into my hair.

We had just left the door only minutes before, but somehow we found ourselves back there again in the same situation; me pinning Louis up against the door. This time, however, my hips were dangerously close to his and neither of us could hardly breathe. 

I know it’s wrong, but I was planning on taking full advantage of this complying version of Louis. I pushed my hips against his and swiveled them in a way that made a low and gutteral moan rip from the back of Louis’ throat. 

It reverberated around the house and somehow managed to hit Louis straight in the face in the form of realization instead of pleasure.

“Get off me.” His words were sudden and harsh. He pushed me aside and stood next to me and turned so our shoulders were now both parallel with the wall. There was an extreme amount of disgust in his eyes and I couldn’t tell if it was towards me or himself. Maybe a little bit of both.

“All I wanted to do was fix our friendship that fell to pieces because of your stupid fucking feelings. Just get it through your thick head that I’m not going to be with you and leave me alone.” He turned around and quickly made his way to his bedroom. 

I’m not sure who’s door slammed first. His bedroom door or the house door. I hope he knows I won’t be there in the morning when he tries to apologize for being the literal definition of scum. 

~*~

Dear  _You_ ,

Our friendship fell to pieces because I was afraid of you, you arse.

This is your fault.

Maybe if you would have been more accepting and less judgmental in the first place, I wouldn’t have all the pent up feeling that make me feel like shit because I would have actually told you how I felt and not kept it from you for so long.

If you hadn’t given off the vibe that I was an insane freak every time I showed even the slightest amount of affection towards you I wouldn’t have been so afraid to tell you.

I had my reasons and you probably had yours

Just stop being a fucking coward and man up.

- _Me_

~*~


	16. Chapter 16

Dear Me,

I literally don’t even have enough respect for him to write a goodbye letter. I can only care so much. He pushed me away this time, and I just wanted to help. This isn’t what I wanted, but I guess it’s what has to happen. I think I always knew it would end in shambles like this anyways.

-Me

~*~

“It’s not that I’m leaving with the actual mindset of running away. It’s just kind of happening. I’m 18. I’m technically not even running away. I’m a grown adult who is taking a break from the nonsensical ways of my life.” I came to the conclusion about fifteen minutes into my pointless drive away from the house that I needed to tell someone that I was leaving. Mikey seemed like the only logical option because he’s the only one I can think of to trust that isn’t connected to the band.  The word trust is spread very, very thinly here, because it  _is_  Mikey.

“Whatever you say, Curly. How long are ya planning on being on the run?”

“Until I feel good and ready to come back. Or when Louis decides to stop being a dick and man up.” I bit out. Just because i’m an adult doesn’t mean I have to always act like one.

“What exactly did he do anyways?” Mikey asked.

“Doesn’t matter. Just let me vent, okay? Point is-“ 

“It does matter if it’s enough to make you drive around for no reason to get away from him. Can I ask? Is it becau-“

“No, Mikey. You  _can’t_  ask.” I ran my hand over my face in pure annoyance. Maybe it was a bad idea to call him. “Point is, i’m going to stay at The Corinthia for a bit and I figured it would be common sense to tell someone so people don’t think I just up and died. Keep this to yourself. Do not tell anyone that i’ve gone unless they think I did just that. Died. Keep in mind, you’ll be dead if you say a word otherwise. Got it?” 

“Whatever you say, boss man.” Mikey laughed into the phone. “So can you tell me which floor you’ll be staying on once you get there? I’m sure the press will pay me more if I give them that information as well.”

“Goodbye, Mikey!” I hung up my phone and tossed it into the passenger’s seat to my left.

 _Note to self,_  I thought,  _find a different group of people to hang out with…and maybe a personal masseuse for the time being._

—————————

_Don’t be sorry, don’t be sorry, don’t be sorry._

Drink.

_You broke his damn heart, get out there and fix it!_

Drink.

_He’s fine, he needs to grow up._

Drink.

_Quit lying to yourself. It’s pathetic, Louis, really._

Drink.

This could probably go on all night if I wanted it to, but I feel awful as it is, and I’d rather not wake up with a hangover AND unrelenting guilt.

I didn’t mean to say what I said to him, but to be fair, it needed to be said. I just want to help him. That’s all I’ve ever wanted to do. Unfortunately, if it means having a little riff (okay, a major falling out) with him in order for that to happen, I guess that’s what it comes to. He’ll thank me for all of this later.

I hope.

—————

I set out to try and find something to entertain myself indoors because I can’t bring myself to leave, but at the same time, I don’t want to be home on the off chance Harry decides to come back. He’s been gone- at Liam’s I assume- for nearly three days now.

I try not to think of it, or him too much because guilt starts to sink in and it’s starting to becoming more and more of a task to convince myself that what I did was a good thing.

I grabbed the stereo remote and turned on the iPod speakers and hit shuffle.

_“There’s a grief that can’t be spoken. There’s a pain goes on and on. Empty chairs at empty tables Now my friends are dead and gone.”_

“Are you  _fucking_  kidding me?!” I screamed out loud as I threw the stereo remote across the room and slapped my hands up to cover my face as ‘ _Empty Chairs at Empty Tables_ ’ from the Les Miserables soundtrack continued to echo through the empty house.

I laughed. Really hard. Like, way harder than I should be laughing at the situation because in reality I should be pissed and frustrated and annoyed and a dozen other emotions that aren’t accompanied by laughter.

“I’m loosing it. I am  _actually_  going fucking insane.” I said as I stood up and headed off to my room. 

As I passed by the speakers on the shelf, I gave them a slight shove and let them fall onto the floor. I felt a small smile creep onto my face as I heard an unpleasant crack follow the fall.

_This is why we don’t fall, Harry. Because we’re only going to break._

————————-

Thankfully, I managed to get my mind off of this morning’s…overdramatic…antics by crashing out in my bed until about 15 minutes before vocal rehearsal for the tour started.

“Where’s Harry?” Niall asked as I walked into the studio several minutes late.

“Hello to you too, Ni. And I haven’t any idea. Ask Liam.” I tried my best to contain the sarcastic responses that were literally begging to make an appearance off my tongue.

He turned around and walked a few steps and asked Liam the same question. “Where’s Harry?” 

“How should I know, Niall? He lives with Louis, not me.” Liam said with a shrug.

Liam’s answer caught my attention slightly. 

_Harry always goes to Liam’s when something is wrong. He should be there._

I walked over to Liam as casually as possible. “Hey, when was the last time you talked to Harry, Li? Just out of curiousity?” 

“Uh, I’d say a few days? Maybe three or four? Why?”

“Oh, no reason.”  _Shit._

“When was the last time _you_ talked to him?” He shot back, with slight interrogative motives.

“We  _live_  together, Liam. What do you think?”

“Where’s Harry?” Zayn said as he walked into the studio.

“Nobody’s given a straight answer. I’m still trying to figure out where he is.” Niall said from his seat, looking up at Zayn and then back to me and Liam who were standing in the middle of the studio.

“Yeah, well that makes two of us, Niall.” I spit back, letting my frustration get the better part of me.

The other three piped up with a variety of “huh”s and “what”s at my answer.

I sighed with even more frustration. “I. Don’t. Know. Where. He. Is.” 

“You  _live_  with him, Louis.” Liam said, mocking my statement from before. “Why didn’t you guys just come together?”

I could feel my teeth grinding against each other. “Because I haven’t spoke to him in three days because he stormed out of the fucking house and I assumed he went to yours.” 

The rigid look on Liam’s face softened instantly and turned into a look that I can only assume is worry.

“He hasn’t been at mine. What about you guys? Have you even heard from him?” He looked at the other two and they just shook their heads in response.

“What happened?” Niall asked, still seated.

“We got into a fight and…”  _well, I can be honest about this and tell them what’s going on, or…_ “and he got his feelings hurt because I was right so he left. He’s being a right child about it if you ask me. Now come on, let’s go rehearse. The coaches are probably waiting for us.”

The guys looked back and forth between each other, obviously unsure what to think.

“Come on,” I said as I grabbed Niall up from the chair and started ushering the other two towards the other door. “He’ll be here.”

Only he didn’t show up. We were already on our break and he still wasn’t here, nor was he answering the guys’ calls.

I caught a disapproving look from Liam, but kept my face down to avoid him.

“Question.” Zayn said into my ear from behind me.

“Answer?” I said hesitantly.

“What were you right about? Like, why did you guys fight in the first place?” 

I turned around to face him so he could see me arch an eyebrow at his curiosity. He continued his explanation. 

“Well, it’s just that, you know Harry can be a bit sensitive sometimes, and I was just thinking that maybe he hasn’t come around or answered any of us because you got him upset. I mean, let’s be honest here, you aren’t always the most pleasant person when it comes to proving your point on things.”

_Leave it to Zayn to take Harry’s side on this. He doesn’t even know what’s going on._

“You’re worried that I hurt his feelings? He can grow up and tell me then. It’s not a big deal. He just needed to understand that he was wrong.”

Sometimes, the voice in my head telling me that I did the right thing that night is the only thing that keeps me from having a mental breakdown over my inner turmoil. 

“You’re such an insensitive twat sometimes.” His words were harsh, but the look on his face was washed with worry.

“Oh come off it. Don’t make it into a bigger deal than it is. He’s a big boy, he’ll come around when he wants to. God Zayn, you say _I_ over-react? You lot have taken this far out of context.” I waved him off along with my cares and pulled out my phone.

Zayn, however, found this to be the match he needed to ignite him and shoved the hand holding my phone down to my side, not letting go of my wrist. “This isn’t even Harry’s being a child, is it?”

My only response was another eyebrow raise.

“He probably has every right to be mad at you. You screwed up, didn’t you?”

“You have no idea what you are talking about, so just stop while you’re behind, okay?”  I jerked my hand out of his grip.

“No, I do know. You do this thing, Louis, where you just have to be right about everything. Even if you’re 100% wrong, you will continue being stubborn about it and do what ever it takes until people think you are right, and someone always ends up getting hurt.”

“Zayn, I have no idea what yo-“

“You know what I’m saying is true. Just admit you screwed something up and just fix it and stop being selfish about it.” With that, he turned around and walked back into the rehearsal room.

I’ve never felt so vulnerable in my entire life. I think what is even worse is that he doesn’t even know anything that is going on.

I clenched my hand into a fist and swung it out to the side letting it make contact it with wall and not letting the pain effect me. 

I leaned myself up against the wall and just sort of fell down to the floor. My knees found their way up to my chest like they were home and my forehead rested on the top of them like my head to a pillow.

_There’s no way he can be right. He doesn’t know anything…_ _I’m not being selfish…am I?_ _I’m not wrong. I’m not wrong._ _We can’t be together. It isn’t right. No good would come of it…_ _He’s been so happy the last several weeks, and as wrong as everything is, those weeks were as ‘right’ as I have ever felt about myself…about everything…_ _What would people think?_ _Would they hate me as much as I’ve hated myself?…Why does any of that matter. Maybe Zayn’s right…This is just something I don’t want to be wrong on because it concerns me. It’s who I am. How the fuck am I supposed to deal with being wrong about who I am?_

“Niall, do you mind…you know…” I heard Liam say.

“Right, yeah, I’ll just be in here.” Niall’s feet shuffled across the room and were silenced by the opening and closing of the rehearsal room door.

“Louis, can I talk to you for a second? I might be able to help.” I lifted my head up as he sat on the floor in front of me.

I laughed fondly at his gesture. “I appreciate it, but I highly doubt you can help. This is beyond repair now.”

He rested his chin into his hands and smiled affectionately at me. “Look, I don’t know exactly how to say this any other way, so I’ll just come right out and say it. I know about you and Harry.”

In that moment, I swear you could have heard a pin drop. I couldn’t even hear my heart beat anymore. Everything felt like it was frozen and I couldn’t decide if my world was crashing down on me or if it might finally be getting some reinforcements.

“What do you mean you  _know_  about me and Harry?” I tried my best not to let on that I knew what he was talking about.

“Let’s just say that when he came to my house that night because you two fought about the letters, he ended up drunkenly telling me quite a bit about what was on his mind. Plus, your ‘I fell off the couch, this isn’t a hickey’ story wasn’t the most believable thing you’ve ever told me. It isn’t that hard to put two and two together, and your guys’ behavior the last few weeks only confirmed my suspicions.” 

I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to be feeling at the moment, but right now my mind was drawing a blank. I was stunned to say the least.

“Do the other boys know?” Was the only thing I could logically come up with. Liam smiled slightly at the fact that I didn’t make any attempt to deny his accusations.

“No. And they don’t have to unless you decide to tell them.” Liam scooted closer to me so our knees were touching and reached out for my arm in reassurance. “Now, tell me what’s going on between you two? What was this fight about?” 

I sucked in a breath of relief. I didn’t realize how pressurized I had become over the last few days with all my thoughts until they all came spilling out. 

“Let me see if I understand. You told him all that because you didn’t want him to feel that way about you, because you _liked_  feeling that way about him, but thought it was wrong?”

My bottom lip was pulled between my teeth and I nodded in response. “I’m a terrible person, aren’t I?”

Liam sighed. “Well, you could do a lot worse. Have you tried talking to him?”

“No, because I assumed he was with you and that you would help him get over it.” I crossed my arms on top of my knees and rested my chin on them.

“Right. That’s another problem we need to solve. He wouldn’t have left without telling someone. That isn’t like him. We just need to figure out who he told.”

“Okay. Shouldn’t be too hard. Tell the guys i’m sorry, and i’ll make it up to them later, but i’m going to go and try and make some calls now before it gets too late out.”

We pulled each other up from the ground and Liam planted a kiss on my temple before he nudged me towards the direction of the door.

——————————

Lucky for me, The Old Square where our studio is is also where most of Harry’s frequent hang out spots are. 

I walked around with my phone glued to my ear calling all our friends asking if “Harry had stayed over there because I can’t remember where he said he was kipping at.” They all took my story and all said he wasn’t there nor had they mentioned seeing him recently.

It started getting slightly chilly outside so I started wandering in and out of the different shops in the Square while I searched for more numbers to call.

About half and hour and several dozen phone calls later, I was completely result-less. I stopped in a random aisle of a store and leaned against it in defeat.

“Of all the people to see, you are definitely one of my favorites.” The voice followed his statement with a tap on my shoulder. I opened my eyes and was peering into the large eyes of Mikey. “What’s got you all glum-like, muffin?” His hands ruffled through my whispy hair.

“I’m fine, Mikey. Thanks, though. Just looking for a friend s’all.” I reached up to fix my disheveled hair.

“Are you sure you can call him a friend right now, Lou-Lou?” His smile hovered between innocent and devilish and all around very uncomfortable.

“I don’t really have time for games right now. I’m kind of in the middle of something.” I tried to walk past him, but he placed a hand on my chest to stop me.

“Woah, woah, woah, Louis. Have you thought of checking any hotels? Maybe, I don’t know…The Corinthia?” The smile returned.

“Why would I check The Corinthia?” 

“Dunno,” Mikey said with a shrug, “probably because that’s where he told me he was going a few days ago.”

My nose scrunched up in disbelief.  _There is_ no way _Mikey would even know who Harry is.”_ How do you possibly know Harry, and why did he tell you that?”

“Oh, Harry and I are proper mates! Have been since…well since the house party you two threw. I’m sure you remember that one quite well?” His wink and playful nudge stirred a sickening feeling in my stomach as I recalled the events that transpired at that party, more specifically, in my bedroom and I let out a groan in detest. “Don’t worry, I prefer your lips over his…he did tell you about that, right?”

My eyes grew wide with shock and confusion.

“Oops! This should make for a fun conversation piece between the two of you! It’s been lovely chatting, but I really should go before things get even more awkward then they already are! Have fun at The Corinthia!” Mikey darted away towards the front of the shop.

 _You’ll have plenty of time to think about_  that  _later, right now, you need to get a hold of Harry._

_——————-_

_Dear You,_

Well, i’m gonna get through to you the only way that I know you’ll probably understand, and please don’t be mad at me for stealing ‘your thing.’ Just so you know, this is much more convenient (and slightly less embarrassing) than saying all of this in person.

Well, here it goes.

I’m sorry. Like, really sorry. Like, so massively sorry, I wish we could just forget about all the shit things that I’ve said and done to you over the past month and a half. 

It was never meant to happen like this for us. We were supposed to be two best friends. Why couldn’t that be enough for you? I think the question that is even harder to ask is why that couldn’t be enough for me. I get it, i’m stubborn, and hard headed, and can be one hell of a dick some times, but when I want to be right about something (even if i’m wrong) i’ll keep believing my incorrect side until I eventually take it as the truth even when it isn’t. I think that’s what happened here.

Truth is, Harry, our friendship never was enough for me. At first it was, because I always took the feelings I had for you as a brotherly thing. I just assumed all my care for you was because I wanted to love someone as much as I loved my family, but I think somewhere along the way, it started to turn into something more.

It’s a really scary thing to realize that everything you have believed about yourself is actually not true. I’m still not sure how to take it, but to be honest, I’m actually a little excited. I get to explore a whole new part of my self that I have never looked at before because I have always blocked it out and ran from it because I always deemed it ‘dark’ and ‘wrong,’ but I’ve realized that I can’t think it’s wrong anymore if it’s something that makes me happy, and it does. It does make me happy.

All my fear set aside, the last few weeks have been the happiest I have ever been in a really long time, and that’s thanks to you. I want to be able to wake up with the urge to sing, and cuddle on the couch, and wrestle on the bed, and kiss you because I feel like it, and watch movies under your covers, and make dinner for you even though I can’t cook for shit, and I want to be the one who makes your face scrunch up in delight, and your back arch off the ground in pure pleasure, but most of all, I want to be able to go to sleep with a smile on my face because I can look over and see you lying next to me. That’s all I want, Harry.

I just want to fall with you, so please, forgive me? Let me back in, and I promise, things will be different. I’m different. I always have been. You’ve known it all along, haven’t you? I guess you are the more mature one out of us two. I’m sorry it took me so long to realize, and i’m so immensely sorry for all the times that I pushed you away. You should have never had to feel afraid to feel what you feel, and that’s all my doing. 

You are a lot more brave than I am, and I am so sorry I couldn’t be there to be brave for you. Please take my word though, one day, I will be brave for you.

I’m sorry.

I love you much more than I can even express.

-Me (‘me’ being Louis…in case you somehow managed to  _not_  pick up on that through this letter.)

~*~

I stood in front of the post box with four letters. Each of us boys have a series of names we go by at hotels. Harry’s smart enough to use one of his alias at a hotel, so I took the liberty of making a copy of the letter for each name. 

One of the four will be right, meaning one of them will make it up to his room for him to read. 

Let’s just hope he actually reads it.


	17. Chapter 17

This entire last week, I  felt like a bipolar man in a midlife crisis, and God, do I wish that were an exaggeration. My thoughts consisted of nothing but running down to the post office to get my letters back so Harry could never see it and wishing I had just delivered it to him myself.

  
“Just be patient, Louis. You’ve really hurt him. He needs time to figure things out.” Liam offered one day during the painstaking wait.

  
“Okay, that’s good and all, but what am I supposed to do? I literally poured my heart into that damn letter and now I’m just sitting here like an idiot waiting and chewing through my nails in fear and nerves.” It came out in more of a burst instead of a calm, level-headed statement, but I was past caring at this point. My stomach had been twisting in knots since I wrote the letter in the first place, and each passing day only made it feel worse.  

“Friendly reminder, tour rehearsals are starting in a week, so as nice as it would be for you two to take your time in ‘is he’ or ‘isn’t he’ friendship debacules, can we please slip a little bit of reason into the scenario and get someone to go get him?” Our tour manager was sitting in the corner of the vocal studio working away intensely on his laptop, but still managed to be listening to our conversation the entire time. Impressive.  

“I don’t really think that is such a good idea. This isn’t something that Lou should be rushing into. I think he should let it happen at it’s own pace. Don’t worry, Harry will come around for the tour rehearsals.” Liam said, paternal insticts were obviously on overdrive.  

I looked back and forth between Liam and him and interjected with my own thoughts. “He’s right, Paul. I’m just going to sit it out and wait.”   

 _That may possibly have been the BIGGEST lie of my life._ There was no way I was going to take Liam’s advice on something like this. I needed some sort of approval on this whole thing; something that would tell me that taking things into my own hands wasn’t actually a crazy idea at all, but in fact, a very logical one, and Paul just gave me that reassurance. I couldn’t let Liam know, though. I was already under the disapproving judgement of Harry. I couldn’t afford to add Liam into that mix as well.  

——-  

I have never been so thankful for three letters sitting in my mail box with a return sticker on them in my entire life.  

“Hi, I need to get an extra key for my room, I seemed to have lost mine.”  

“Name please?”  

Those three returned letters meant that one of them had been delivered to Harry. It also meant that he was checked into the hotel under the name that wasn’t on the three envelopes that were sitting on the coffee table back at our flat.  

“David Skinner.”  

The receptionist looked from the computer screen to me and then back at the screen. Her petite figure adjusted itself to stand more properly once she realized who I was. She pushed aside her chocolate brown bangs and gave me a slight arch of her eyebrows.  

“Card please? I n-need to swipe it to v-verify who you are.”  

 _Well, shit._   

“Could you possibly tell me that last four numbers on that card?”  

“4601” She replied curtly, a blush still prominent on her cheeks.  

I sighed in relief as I recognized the numbers. He used our ‘company’ bank card. I should have known. He’s never been one to do anything secretly. He must have known if it got down to it, he could be easily traced for the sake of the management team.  

I pulled out my copy of the card- one that had been issued to all five of us- and smiled confidently at the young girl behind the counter.  

Her poor hand shook with nerves and she blushed fiercely as she gave me the hotel key and my credit card back.

  
“Enjoy your suite Mr. Toml- I mean, Mr. Skinner.” She shook her head as she fumbled over her words.  

“Thanks for all your help, babe.” The simple pet name boosted her confidence instantly, and for a moment, I forgot why I was even here because I was so caught up in how simple it had been to make that girl smile. I mentally compared the simplicity of her smile to the complexity of a smile for either me or Harry. It seemed to take a lot now to get either one of us to smile like that; radiating pure joy.   

_Maybe after this, it won’t be so hard anymore._

———

I had been successfully standing outside of Harry’s hotel room for about 10 minutes debating if I should go in.   

 _I mean, the door is_ right  _there, just walk in._

_  
_ _What if he’s in there. He’d kill me in a second._

_  
_ _You’re stronger then him, you could fight him off._

_  
_ _Why would I hit him, oh my God, he isn’t going to react like that._

_  
_“Fuck it.” Sometimes, I literally never understand what goes on in my mind. Someone needs to get me some fucking Ritalin or Adderal, holy shit.

The metallic click of the door signaled me that the card read. I pushed the door open and braced myself for something to stop me. Like a scream…or a baseball bat to the face.  

Surprisingly, neither came. He wasn’t there.  

I took a quick walk around the suite to confirm my suscpicions and let out a sigh of relief as all the rooms came up empty.   I walked back into the living room sat on the couch, unsure of what to do next.    _Well, you’re here, so you might as well wait._   

I tried to come up with some sort of arguement to convince me otherwise, but I couldn’t think of anything. Sure , it’s kinda creepy and totally unconventional to wait in the hotel suite of the guy that wanted to beat the shit out of you a week ago, but nothing about either of us is conventional, and who cares anymore.  

I didn’t have the slightest idea as to when Harry left or when he was coming back, so I decided to take a better look around to where he had been staying for the last week or so.   The room was quite nice, lavish even. Right when you walked into the room, there was a bathroom on the left.  On the right was a hallway that led to the living room of sorts where I was.  

If you continued straight past the bathroom and the side hallway, you’d be in the bedroom. I let out a nervous laugh as I took in the room. Harry had gotten himself a massive King sized bed.   

Harry has always had this habit of spoiling himself when he was in a bad mood. The nicer the things, the more pissed he was. Given the fact that he had a King sized bed and a Class A suite, it’d probably be safe to assume he was  _really_  fucking mad.  

I swallowed a nervous gulp of air as I realized that there was absolutely no reason for him to have this large of a bed when he was checked into the hotel alone.  

 _What if he’d been bringing…_   

I walked out of the room quickly and didn’t continue the thought any further. I couldn’t, to be honest. I ended up back in the living room and decided to walk over to the mini bar. I poured myself a small shot of whiskey in hopes that it would calm my nerves. Surprisingly enough, I felt a lot calmer after, and it was no where near enough alcohol to disrupt my thoughts in anyway, which is good. I needed to be as alert as possible for whatever events that would transpire.  

I sat back down on the couch and pulled out my phone for some much sought after time-killing.  

I scrolled through my mentions intentionally looking for anything ‘larry’ related in hopes that it would actually serve as reinforcement that this was a good idea.   A smile faintly crept onto my face as I took in all the support.  

 _It’s going to be alright._ I thought to myself. Even if the fans weren’t going to find out, it helped to know that they would be supportive if it were ever to happen. That is, if Harry doesn’t massacre me for being in his hotel room first.  

_@Louis_Tomlinson: Surprise.. :)_

Well, if anyone understood the context of this, they’d agree with me, because someone was about to get a major surprise. Good or bad, I guess we’ll all find out soon enough.

  ———  

Over an hour had past and Harry still hadn’t come back yet. I checked my phone for the time. 4:13pm. It was too early for dinner, but too late for lunch. Given the circumstances, I had assumed Harry would be a recluse and try avoid any media attention while he was trying to sort things out. He had done a good job so far, creating two rounds of a ‘#WhereInTheWorldIsHarryStyles’ game on Twitter by fans.   

My questions-and prayers- were answered when I heard the same metallic beep that had let me in earier come from the next room.  

My stomach dropped to the floor and my heart was sitting somewhere in my throat. I couldn’t say anything, even breathe. I was terrified. The entire reason for me being here was about to take place…well attempt to take place more or less.  

I heard a pair of car keys drop onto the small bedside table in the bedroom part of the suite followed by a soft thump of weight hitting the duvet and an exhausted sigh shortly after.   

There was the thud of what could only be his shoes landing somewhere else in his room, and finally the creak of the matress followed by footsteps.  

I stood up and decided to move farther away from the hallway entrance. Whether it was out of wanting to prolong the enevitable or out of pure fear, I’m not sure. For safety measures and the possible need of self defense, I grabbed ahold of the television remote and stood up against the curtained window.  

I held my breath as I saw the tip of his black socks peak around the hallway entrance first. As the rest of him appeared, I waited nervously for him to notice me. He had his head down, staring at his phone as he walked in. In his other hand was a small white square of lined paper.  

He had taken off most of his outer clothes as well; wearing nothing but some grey striped Armani boxers and a simple white undershirt.  

I tightened my grip on the remote control and cleared my throat.  

Harry’s scream echoed through the entire suite. He lobbed a pillow at me as a natural instinct which I batted away with the remote.  

 _Guess I needed self defense afterall._   

After the initial shock wore off, he took in my presense before him.

“What are you doing in here?!” He shouted at just about the same decible as his scream before.  

“I came to talk to you.” I replied as calm as I could manage.  

“So you snuck in?!” He shouted once again and gestured to the door.   “

Uhm…it appears so. Can you sit down?” I asked, precautiously taking a step towards him.  

“Without me ripping your bloody head off for scaring me half to death? I’ll try.” He spit out. At least the screaming at stopped.  

He sat there on the couch for a moment, heavily breathing, waiting for his heart rate to go back down to a normal level. I sat on the opposite end of the couch, making sure I gave him (and myself) plenty of room.   Harry rested either arm on his thighs and intertwined his fingers together and faced his head to the floor. He stayed like that for a few minutes and I was sure my nerves were going to cause my heart to explode with anticipation.   He finally blew out a deep breath and turned his head to look at me.

“Why are you here, Louis?”  

 _Because I’m terrible person._  

 _Because I think I like you way more than a best friend should._  

_Because I made a terrible mistake._

“Because i’m sorry.”  

“Excuse me?” It wasn’t defensive. It was said completely flat. No tracable emotions to it.  

“I’m sorry Harry. I’m sorry for making you afraid. I’m sorry for not being understanding at first. I’m sorry for making you feel bad about pushing me away. I’m sorry for making you move furniture around the house while you were sick. I’m sorry for holding a party when you were ill. I’m sorry for making fun of you for spitting mushrooms all over the living room. I’m sorry for reading your letters. I’m sorry for all the nights that you had to spend at Liam’s because you didn’t want to come home and face me. I’m sorry for locking you in the bathroom that night so I could talk to you. I’m sorry for all the times that I made myself seem superior to you because I didn’t want to talk about things. I’m sorry I got a boner that one time you wiped pasta off my cheek and licked it off your thumb. I’m sorry that I made you feel vulnerable the night that you told me how you feel about me because I never really said how I feel in return. I’m sorry for leading you on so many times. I’m sorry for trying to seduce you in Zayn’s kitchen. I’m sorry that we almost got caught making out in the alley by Phil Jones. I’m sorry for being afraid of Larry trends on Twitter. I’m sorry for the time I tried to ‘fuck you into the hallway.’ I’m sorry for getting back in contact with Eleanor. I’m sorry for running away from everything. Most of all, I’m sorry for everything I said that night. I didn’t mean any of it, you have to believe me. It’s just… I’m not…I’m not as-” I came to a loss for words and sighed heavily at everything I had just said. The room was engulfed in silence.  

“Brave?…As brave as me?” He said, barely audible.  

“Exactly.” I said with a breathy sigh of laughter and relief. “How did you know that I meant..”  

He lifted the small piece of paper up so it was in my line of vision.  

“Can’t stop reading it.” He shrugged shamelessly.  

I didn’t know what to say, so Harry took the silence as a cue to continue talking.  

“You know, when I first got the letter, I was so confused. Who the fuck would know to send me a letter here under the name David Skinner of all things? I opened it up and immediately shot my eyes down to the bottom to see who it was from. When I saw your name, or the ‘me’ rather, I contemplated ripping it up right then and there. I guess curiousity got the better of me, so I sat down to read it. I was really mad when I read it, you know that? You’ve told me three times now that you have some extent of feelings for me, but you’ve always beaten around the bush. You’ve never openly said it, so how I sat right here on this couch and tried to figure out how you expect me to believe you-”  

“You don’t believe me?” I interrupted.  

“Louis, shut up. I’m trying to explain my dramatic revelation to you.”  

“Right. Go on.”  

“Come here,” he patted the seat next to him, and obliged wearily. “…I was trying to figure out how you expected me to believe you, when I realized that I wasn’t going to be able to. But you know what I did realize?”  

The room was silent once again.  

“Louis, this is where you say something.”  

“Oh. What did you realize?” I asked precautiously.  

“I realized that i’m okay with that, because you poured everything you had into the letter you sent to me.” He reached out a hand hesitantly and placed it on top of mine which were currently balled into nervous fists on my knees. “and I realized that you don’t have to be brave for me right now if that isn’t what you want, but I do need you to be something…well do something for me.”  

“What’s that?” I asked even more hesitantly than before.  

“I need you to tell me right now how you feel about me. No circling around it, or lightly touching on it. I need you to be completely honest and blunt and say exactly what you feel this very moment.” He sat up and looked me straight in the eyes. His face was completly blank and utterly serious.  

“This very moment?”  

“Right now.” He nodded.  

“I feel like I want nothing more then to be trapped in this hotel room with you for the rest of the unforseeable future because I don’t even fucking care anymore because it’s the truth. I like you a whole hell of a lot.”  

Harry’s eye were blown wide with an emotion that I couldn’t quite make out. “Do you, Louis?” He arched his eyebrow slightly.  

“No.” I clenched my my free hand around the fabric of my jeans and freed my hand from underneath Harry’s. “I love you. So. Much.” I pushed Harry down and crashed my lips down feverently onto his.  

Harry let out a moan of relief and pleasure as my mouth traveled over every inch of skin it could cover.   

“Louislouislouislouislouis” Harry was muttering in his delirious state. He didn’t know what was happening, but to be honest neither did I, but I wasn’t planning on objecting anytime soon.  

Harry’s hands made their way up the back of my shirt and raked lines down my back causing me to arch up making the space between us virtually non-existant.  

“This…take this off.” Harry said into my shoulder, gripping the hem of my shirt in his hands. I obliged willingly and detached my mouth from his jaw so we could discard the shirt. I worked my hands down to his hem and started pulling his up as well. He took the hint and arched his back up so we could pull it off as well.  

Here we were again. Harry and me. Me and Harry. Barely clothed and making out, completely engrossed in each other.  

We kept at this for about ten minutes or so. Just kissing each other and touching each other. It wasn’t rushed anymore. It was slow and patient and tender. We rushed through it the very first time, and we both came to a mental understanding that this time would be different.     

Harry brought his head up to my ear and whispered, “sit up, Lou.”   

I did as he said with a simple nod. He leaned closer to the crack of the couch and sat up as well while guiding me to lay down instead. He seamlessly traded spots with me, so he was now laying on top.  

He placed a kiss right above my navel and slowly started trailing them upwards.   

He placed a kiss in the middle of my torso. “I love the sound of your voice when you sing.”  

He placed a kiss just to the right on my side. “I love that your ticklish spot makes you giggle like a child.”  

He placed a kiss on my pectoral, right where my heart is. “I love that beneath your quirky, stubborn, unpredictable attitude, you have a heart filled with unconditional love.”  

He moved up even further and placed a small kiss on my neck before moving to my ear. “Is any of that love in there for me?”  

I’ve never been so overwhelmed with emotions in my life. It wasn’t the ‘I’m going to cry’ type of emotion, it wasn’t really something I could name. I felt an overwhelming swell grow in my chest and I wanted nothing more than to be as close to Harry as physically and emotionally possible.  

“All of it. Every last bit is for you.” I meant it too. I had absolutely no doubt in my mind that he had nestled his way deep into the middle of my heart and would never be coming out of there. I don’t think I could let him go if he wanted.  

My answer made Harry moan out of passion and he kissed me with more depth and fervor. His tongue slid smoothly into my mouth and danced around languidly. He unlatched his lips and started peppering kisses down my jaw and neck and back onto my chest and abdomen.  

His body shifted down until his head was hovering above my navel. He placed a soft kiss on the small patch of skin that was between my navel and the top of my jeans and stopped.  

He looked up cautiously and locked eyes with me. “I don’t know what to do from here.” He said with a laugh.  

I looked at him slightly stunned as I came to the realization that I didn’t know either, and laughed as well. “Well, what do you suggest we do from here, because  _these_  aren’t going to go away on their own.” I said, gesturing between my crotch and his.  

He looked at me for a moment and pulled his bottom lip into his mouth. I could tell he was toying with some idea in his head, but he wasn’t quite sure if it was a good one or not.  

“Do it.” I said bluntly.  

“Do what?” His eyebrows raised in questioning.  

“Whatever it is you are thinking of. Just do it. I’m game for just about anything right now. Just please, no more waiting.” My suggestion came out as more of a plea.   Harry looked nervously down at the buckle of my jeans and then gave a small shrug of his shoulders. “What the hell.”  

He reached for my belt buckle and undid the fastener. His hands shook subtly as they undid the button and zipped down the zipper. “Lift your bum, babe.”  

I sucked my bottom lip into my mouth and curled my hands into fists out of nerves. I had no idea what Harry had planned and a small part of me was regretting letting him do whatever he wanted without telling me prior.  

He pulled both my jeans and my pants down and I squeezed my eyes shut in an attempt to hide myself from the embarrassment of being naked with a boner. Harry brought a soothing hand up to mine and eased it out of it’s fist.   

“It’ll be fine. Just…trust me? If you don’t like it, we can stop, but I have a feeling you aren’t going to object.” He laughed nervously before scooting down a bit more until his face was right above my dick.  

“H-Harry, you really don’t-oh my holy fu-ugh,” Harry’s mouth licked a stripe up my erection before sliding his mouth slowly down the shaft and back up again. He looked up to make sure this was okay and I nodded quickly to encourage him to continue.  

His own nerves slowly disolved as his tongue swirled around the head causing a moan to erupt from the back of my throat in pure pleasure and I could feel a smirk spread across his lips to the best of his ability.  

“Don’t act so smug about it, kid. You’re the one with my dick in your mouth.” I laughed, taking in the sight.   

 _This is literally insane._    To be honest, I had no intentions of trying to prolong this aspect of what we had been doing for the last 40 minutes together. If it was just making out, then i’d push it farther, but his perfect lips wrapped around me and his green eyes constantly locked with mine? I couldn’t wait to reach my limit because I knew it would probably be the absolute best feeling in the world.  

Harry hollowed his cheeks so the sides of his mouth were rubbing against my shaft. My moans egged him on to continue and I knew I couldn’t hold on much longer. “g-go faster, Harry-y.” He took my words and sped up twice over. He brought his mouth all the way down to my base and then brought it back up to the tip and swirled his tongue over the slit and around the head a few more times before the white ball of heat in my stomach became too much for me to contain.  

I doubled over as I came, my body ridden with pure ecstasy. Harry sat up onto his knees and his hands shot up to cover his mouth. After a moment or so, I regained my breath and looked at him. He hadn’t moved.  

“What’s wrong?” I asked. His face was washed in fear.  

“Itthin mumouthh” He said, with his tongue sticking out slightly. My eyes looked down at his mouth and realized what he was talking about. He had several white droplets on his tongue and on the inside of his cheek.  

“Swallow it.” I suggested wickedly.  

“No!” He shouted to the best of his ability.  

“Do it and i’ll…i’ll give you a hand job?”   His eyes grew wide for a moment and then squinted in a puzzled manner as he tried to decide what to do. A moment later, his tongue slipped back into his mouth and his lips clamped shut. His tongue moved in his mouth to wipe off what was on the inside of his cheek before gulping loudly. He shuddered a bit before licking his bottom lip.  

“Never swallowing again. Never. Not gonna happen.” He rambled for a few seconds about the experience causing me to errupt into laughter.  

“Lay down and take your pants off, love.” He did as I asked and situated himself on the other end of the couch.  

I laid myself back on top of him and kissed his lips tenderly. I hesitantly dipped my tongue into his mouth and cringed slightly at the taste.

I pulled away and looked at him with an apologetic smile. “Sorry.” I laughed out. He reached up and brought my face back down to his.  

“Don’t sweat it. ‘sokay.” He smiled and kissed me in acceptance. We deepened our kiss once more, slowly washing away the taste in our mouths and I slid my hand down between us and took ahold of Harry’s hard on. He moaned and shivered at the contact.

I tried my best to mutitask both kissing him and jacking him off, but it was barely managable. I had pulled myself away from his lips without knowing and was now focused solely on pleasing him.    Harry latched his lips onto the sweet spot on my neck that he discovered weeks ago and kissed and licked at it affectionately.  

The room was filled with our moans and grunts as we let our hands roam over each other unrestrictively. My hand was pumping vigorously up his shaft and I could tell he was coming close. His kisses were becoming sloppy and sporatic until they stopped all together. I twisted my wrist a few times causing more or less of a broken sob to break out of him. He bit into the crook of my neck to deal with the overwhelming sensation.  

He fell back against the couch, completely exhausted and I situated myself in the crook between him and the back of the couch.  

We laid there, my arm draped over his chest and his arm wrapped around my back for what seemed like hours. Harry’s hand idley played with my whisps of hair on the side of my head while I traced shapes and mindless patterns on his bare chest.

  “Now what?” He asked rather quitely, as if he were trying his best to not break the comfortable silence we had succumbed to.

We both were silent again as we realized we didn’t know what to do now, either.

“Mikey told me where you were.” I said hoping to start this off as a way to tie up any loose ends that still needed to be addressed between us.

His eyebrows furrowed together and he turned his head to me. “How do you know Mikey?”

“Do you want the real story or a made up one?” I suggested.

“Real.”

“I made out with him the night Eleanor and I broke up at the party. I didn’t like it if it’s any consulation. I did it because he convinced me to give it a try.” I tightened my grip around Harry just in case he decided to get up and walk away, but instead, he laughed. A genuine, booming, knee-slap-worthy laugh.

“He convinced me to as well and it was awful!” He managed to get out through his laughter. 

“I can’t believe we both had our first ‘guy’ kiss with the same guy.” I sighed in disbelief.

Our chuckled died down and Harry rested his head ontop of mine.

“I’m sorry for being so unruly about this whole situation. Things shouldn’t have gotten this out of hand.” He breathed out heavily.

“If it wouldn’t have, none of  _this_ would have happened.” I jokingly reminded him.

“Louis…” He whined.

“I know you are being serious, and I really appreciate it. I just think we’ve both done enough apologizing for one day.”

More silence.

“Did you purposely take Eleanor out on that date last week?”

“It’s probably best if we’re completely honest right now, so yes. I did it to get my mind off you.” I wasn’t going to hide anything anymore. 

“Do you…do you still love her?” This time it was his grip that tightened on me.

“Harry, I feel something with you that I have never felt with any of the other people i’ve ever dated. You’re different, in a good way. What I felt for Eleanor was love, but I realize now that it isn’t the love that a relationship should be built on, and I don’t think it ever way. She helped me to get confidence to even talk to you about any of this in the very first place, and I love her for that, but nothing more.” I sucked in a breath and slowly waited for some sort of response from Harry, but all I got was a fond kiss to the top of my head and a stroke of his hand on my arm.

“One more thing, that’s kind of really important that you need to know.” I said to Harry. I reached my arm further across his chest to grab his hand in mine.

“Is it bad?” He asked as he hesitantly intertwined his fingers with mine.

“Uh…depends on how you want to look at it…Basically, Liam knows…about everything.” I buried my face into his neck and kissed it a few times as he let the words sink in.

“Everything?” he questioned.

“From the letters until now, yep.” I said matter-of-factly.

“How? Did you tell him?” I couldn’t tell if his voice was concerned or slightly interested.

“He figured it out, so I filled him in. That and he basically caught us making out that day in my bedroom and knew my hickey wasn’t a bruise from the table…Thoughts?” I leaned my head back to get a better view of his face.

“My thoughts…I’m okay with that, I suppose. I don’t know how we should tell the other two just yet though.”

“Can we not think about that right now and just lay here for awhile?” I asked, lethargy settling in.

“Yes, we can lay here for as long as you’d like.” Harry responded, turning onto his side and wrapping his other arm around me.

——-

We pulled into the parking lot of the rehearsal studio and gathered up our things.

“Ready?” Harry asked me quizzically.

“Yep. Let’s go.” We got out of the car and headed to the door.

“Final check. Lift up your chin.” He turned my chin from side to side surveying the mass of skin for any visible hickies. 

After our nap, we made a run to Tesco’s and bought an assortment of foundation to cover up the marks of this afternoon’s…’apologies.’

“You’re good. Check me?” He asked and prompty lifted up his neck.

I swooped in and placed a single kiss on his throat and smiled successfully. “You’re clear. Let’s go.” 

We walked through the hallway into the large rehearsal room.

“Look who I found!” I exclaimed, as I tossed an arm around Harry’s waist. He reciprocated with the same action.

The other three boys made their way over to us.

Niall looked back and forth between the two of us. “Is everything all good with you two twats now?” He laughed out and smiled at our fixed friendship.

“Great. Never better!” Harry exclaimed and pulled me closer in a one-armed hug.

I glanced over at Liam who was raising an eyebrow questioningly at the two of us.

I smirked and tossed a wink in his direction which resulted in him covering his face with his hands in amusement and detest all at the same time.

“Glad to see you two back at the hips…now let’s get to it, yeah?” Zayn said as he mused up my feathery hair and then Harry’s curls. 

The boys turned around to start walking over to the piano and Harry and I followed behind.

I leaned up to Harry’s ear and whispered, “we’ll tell them about whatever this is between us soon.”

He looked down at me with a rather ecstatic smile and gingerly placed a kiss on my cheek and squeezing me even closer to him before we joined the rest of the boys.

_I told you i’d be brave for you soon enough._


	18. Epilogue

It was a quiet walk back to the car after rehearsal got out. The boys stuck around a bit longer for some chilling time, but Louis made some comment about being tired and I agreed so we headed out early; not before a abhorrent sigh from Liam that I couldn’t help but laugh at. 

Poor kid. That’s what you get for being smart.

Rehearsal was fun and the weariness of the boys about our amicable mend wore off about five minutes after our arrival and things were back to our roughhousing way. Though, hilarity ensued when Zayn went to tie a joke fuzzy tie around Louis’ neck and ended up with smudges of makeup on his hand. Luckily, everyone was laughing too hard, so no explanations were needed, just a smug look from me and a nervous glance from Louis.

Truly speaking, I missed the boys and all their craziness. You can only stay bolted up in a hotel for so long before you drive yourself mad from loneliness, but at the same time it did me a lot of good. I got to reflect about a lot of things about myself and my future and most importantly, what is happening in my life right now with Louis and the band.

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Louis stealing a glance at me so I turned to meet his eyes which caused him to blush and look down sheepishly. I smiled at his timidness, given everything that transpired earlier that afternoon.

We got into the car and sat there silently for a moment. I could feel the childish air buzzing between us. Now that we were completely alone, I felt like a shy second grader who just held hands with their crush for the first time, and I’m pretty sure Louis felt something of the same extent.

“Ready to go?” He said suddenly, breaking me from my thoughts.

“Uh yeah, let’s go.” I laughed and reached to put the keys into the ignition only to realize I didn’t have them.

“My car, my keys, Styles.” He said as he pulled them out of his pocket and handed them to me. I hadn’t even realized I had sat myself in the driver’s seat. It was such a habit that I drove us around everywhere.

I felt my face flush and he laughed sweetly. Both of our hands were holding onto the keys, but neither of us were letting go, though there wasn’t much attempt to be fair.

I brought my free hand over and grabbed the keys from our hands, but kept my left hand on top of Louis’ as I started the car. I glanced down at our hands and arched my eyebrow as if to ask if this was okay to do.

To my relief, and to some extent, joy, he responded by interlacing our fingers and resting our joint hands on the console between us.

I cleared my throat to lessen the possibility of my voice cracking-which I was almost 99% positive that it was going to after Louis’ little move- and gave the keys a quick turn before looking at him. 

“Right, let’s get home, yeah?”

He nodded in agreement and we pulled out and headed down the street to the complex. 

The entire drive back, I could feel Louis’ eyes constantly looking down at our hands and then smirking contently at his lap before doing it again a few minutes later.

“I’m not going to magically let go, Lou. My hand will still be fitted right into yours. I promise.” I said with a grin, once again managing to channel that courage I had channeled what seems like forever ago when I wiped that silly pasta sauce off his mouth, even though on the inside- both then and now- I was scared shitless of what was going on because it’s just so  _surreal_. 

This time, he was the one blushing. “Oh…okay, I know. It’s just kind of…cool, I guess?” He stumbled to formulate his feelings into words.

“What is?”

“This. Me and you. Being here. Holding hands. Just, I don’t know, being happy in general, I suppose. I like it.” He said with as much pride as his nerves would allow him to muster up.

“I like it too.” I said back as I pulled into the complex and shut off the car. Louis’ eyes were staring at our hands once again. I took my free hand and placed it under his chin. “Hey, look at me, Lou.” I said, nudging his jaw up slightly so our eyes could meet. “If you’re happy, i’m happy, and that’s more than I could ask for.” I said before placing a small, and slightly timorous kiss onto his lips.

We amicably released our hands and got out of the car, heading upstairs to our flat. When we got inside, I bit my lip sheepishly as a small wave of guilt washed over me. I had left Louis alone here for nearly a week. The flat was big enough as it is. I can only imagine how empty and large it must feel with only one occupant.

Louis placed the car keys on the counter like usual and turned on the kettle on the stove to heat up some tea.

“Louis can I ask you for a favor?” I said haphazardly, hopping up onto the kitchen counter a few feet behind where he was standing. 

“And what might that be?” He said, finally turning around once the brew was going. He positioned himself so his hip bones were just barely touching the tips of my knee caps.

“I want to…well, okay, can we do something?” I nervously bit my lip as I waited for his response.

“Harry, after today’s activities, I think I may be too  _spent_ to do something like that with so little time in between.” His hand rubbed up my thighs apologetically as he said it.

“No, no, no. I didn’t mean like  _that_  kind of something! I don’t think I can do that again tonight either.” I laughed out, slightly flustered at his suggestion.

“Oh…so what did you have in mind?” His voice sounded slightly relieved.

“Can we…okay, we don’t have to you don’t want to, but, I mean, it could be a good idea to try-“

“Harry, go on with it. What do you want to do?” Louis interrupted, properly putting my thoughts back onto the right track.

I placed my hands around the back of his neck and rested my arms on his shoulders tentatively. “Do you think we could try and write a letter to each other?”

His eyebrows knitted together as he thought about it for a moment. “What would we write?”

“If anything like this ever happens to us again, I want either one of us to be able to read about how much we are always going to be there for each other and that we can’t be afraid anymore, no matter what happens, because we will always have each other to keep us going.”

A smile grew on his defined face as he took in the idea. “I would love to do that. Brilliant idea, Haz.” He said as he stood up on his tip toes and kissed my forehead. The nickname and the kiss sent shivers through me because of how overwhelmingly caring it felt.

I hopped off the counter and went over to the printer and grabbed a few sheets of paper for each of us and handed him his share.

“Do you think i’m planning on writing you a novel?!” He said with mock appall.

“No, but I know you are going to screw up the first one, so I got you extras.” I said with a wink followed by a booming guffaw that was a result of Louis’ shocked expression. “Only kidding, I just grabbed a little handful. Take as much or as little as you’ll need.”

He looped his arms around my waist and pulled me closer to him.

“I think this may be enough for now.” He whispered careingly into my ear.

I pulled back from him and placed a kiss onto his thin pink lips. His thumbs hooked into my belt loops and pulled me closer, effectively deepening our kiss. My hand traveled up to his hair and I embedded my fingers through a small tuft of his feathery coiffure and tugging slightly, eliciting an ever pleasing groan of approval from Louis.

He pulled away reluctantly and placed a few more soft kisses on my lips before nodding his head, silently saying that he was ready to go write his letter.

We both grabbed some sheets and walked over to separate areas of the house. Louis firstly settled himself on the couch in the living room, but was sad to discover he didn’t have a comfortable writing surface so he was forced to relocate to the dining room table. I walked over to my bedroom and sat myself down at my writing desk out of tendency.

I looked at the blank sheet of paper on my desk and just stared at it for a moment, unsure of what to write.

I had a million things that I wanted to put down on this paper; the reason I wanted to do this in the first place. I also, had a bunch of things that I wanted to get out of my brain first, so I knew exactly what I wanted to say to Louis for the future.

I pushed aside the paper and opened up my laptop and let out a sigh of familiarity as I opened up a blank document and typed in the recipient title as I had so many times over the last several months.

~*~

Dear  _Louis_ , 

I should be writing the letter that I came in here to write, but I have a lot on my mind still. I guess it was a good thing that you found those letters after all. When you were asleep at the hotel today, you said something about fate and that you were meant to find them. As much as I laughed about it then- unbeknownst to you- I can’t help but to think you’re right. The last few months have been nothing that I could have ever imagined, and even right now, I still can’t believe it has.

I’m not sure what made me go to a hotel, or even why I reacted so vibrantly about the situation in the first place, but I’m really glad I ended up there because I really did a lot of thinking. When you trap yourself in a room for hours on end with no other social interaction besides your own thoughts, you start to make sense of a lot of things that seemed so damn confusing before. 

For instance, I never understood why hotels make you pay for the alcohol in the mini bar when you stay there, but then I realized that it’s because people come into the hotels in a shit state (like I was when I checked in) and want nothing more than to drink away all the troubles. A little additional income never hurt anyone, and now I understand the thought process of hotel managers. I also came to realize that i’m quite childish about things. Whether it’s not wanting to eat mushrooms, to cleaning the house, to not wanting to change my opinion on something, I’ve just always dealt with it like a child would. 

Over the last few years since we came together as a band, I’ve done a lot of growing up. Most of which was because I had to, but there was a part of me that grew up by choice. I wanted to be, well, like you. You’re older than me and when I met you, you seemed so put together and knew exactly what you wanted to do. You worked hard and got shit done, but at the same time, you had fun and lived life and made people happy. The moment you walked into our room when we moved into the bungallo wearing nothing but a pair of boxers and proclaimed that you did your best work “in your skivvies,” I knew you were going to be the person I looked up to the most. 

I still do, Lou. You’ve taught me so many things in life, most of which you probably don’t even realize, but I am so thankful for that. More than anything though, I am thankful that you care about me so much. I know all of this work as a band worries you sometimes for my sake. The boys tell me, but just please don’t worry about me. Sure I had to change a bit because of the public eye, but when it gets down to it, I can promise you with my whole heart that I will always be that goofy sixteen year old boy with Cheshire who convinced you to go skinny dipping with him the first day you met him.

I don’t know what the future holds for us anymore, hell, I don’t even know what the present holds for us anymore, but all I know is that I’m not going to let you face anything alone anymore. I’m going to stand by your side and do what ever it takes to get us through to the next day, because I promise you now, nothing will ever be as bad as the day before. No matter how much things seem to be caving in on us, just remember that all of this is going to be over one day and all we are going to have left is each other and the lads and that is the most important thing we can hold onto.

Above everything else, we are always going to be best friends, and I want you to hold onto that thought because I promise that to you. That is something I will never break. Not in a million years. I haven’t the slightest idea what I am going to write in your other letter now, because I’ve gone and turned into a sap here, but please know that I love you very much. Sure, we may not know what the hell we are doing with each other right now, but all I know is, that this feels right and this makes us happy and that’s really all I need in life. I hope you never forget how happy we are in this moment, Louis.

I love you more than I can ever express.

-Harry

**THE END**


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